The Stripping Warrior

Tell Me This Isn't Awesome

2011-12-15T22:02:00.000-08:00

La Publicité

2011-08-25T11:25:00.000-07:00

Being in the Book of Mormon on Broadway is one of the highlights of my career, if not my entire life. Not only has it afforded me the coveted and joyous opportunity of performing to sold out audiences who are clamoring to see our 9 Tony-winning show every night, but beyond that it has given me a platform from which to discuss my life and journey as a gay mormon man. Of course I already have my youtube videos, but this has given me a much larger metaphorical stage from which to speak! My story, which mirrors that of many gay men and women of all faiths, has suddenly become of interest to media outlets looking for a personal interest piece involving our fantastic show.

Anyone who has met me knows that I have A LOT to say- so lately I've been just like a pig in you know what.

My first story appeared in Newsweek's blog, The Daily Beast.

Subsequently, I spoke to a man who had not yet seen our show, and clearly thought I was an active mormon on NPR's The Takeaway.

Then I got the royal treatment, being named Broadwayworld.com's Gypsy of the Month. This interview was extremely in depth, and I absolutely loved the questions that the writer/interviewer Adrienne Onofri asked.

Most recently, I also spoke to Pia Catton of the Wall Street Journal. That interview has proved difficult to find, so I am going to post it here in it's entirety.

When Clark Johnsen takes the stage as a member of the ensemble in "The Book of Mormon," he knows whereof he sings and dances: Mr. Johnsen, 34 years old, grew up within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, graduated from Brigham Young University and spent two years on a religious mission in Mexico.

Playing a Mormon onstage is one of the last things he ever planned to do. "If someone had said 'You're going to play a missionary on Broadway' -- while I was shlepping 10 Books of Mormon around Mexico -- I would have said 'Well, that's impossible. There's never going to be a musical about the Book of Mormon.' "

But in fact "The Book of Mormon" -- with nine Tony Awards to its credit -- turned out to be a hit. And though Mr. Johnsen has since broken away from the church, his upbringing made him a perfect fit for the show. A resident of Hell's Kitchen, this triple threat grew up singing and playing the piano and clarinet as part of a well-rounded childhood. "That was part of our family script," he said. "We play instruments. We are good at sports. We get good grades. We have lots of friends."

That was just the first stage in his artistic development. While at BYU as a pre-med student, he took dance classes to fulfill physical-education requirements. His dance teachers encouraged him, as did his academic advisers -- on the thinking that a liberal-arts major would stand out, he recalls: "How many modern dance majors were there going to be applying for med school?"

In the end, Mr. Johnsen wanted to focus on his acting and graduated with a musical theater major. Then, during his mission in the Sinaloa state of Mexico, he learned the skill that every actor needs: how to handle rejection.

"Doors were slammed in my face all the time. You must develop a plucky attitude," he said, comparing missionary work with the casting process. "You just know: This isn't about me."

After graduating from college, he struggled with the idea of heading directly into medical school. "I thought, 'I'm just going to move to New York for two years and give it a shot,' " he said.

That was 10 years ago. In that time, he landed in "The Addams Family," "42nd Street" (in Russia) and "La Cage Aux Folles" (directed by Jerry Zaks and Jerry Mitchell). When he joined "The Book of Mormon," he was the only newcomer to the cast that had been workshopping the musical since 2007.

"Clark understood the tone of the piece and the sense of comedy. He nailed it right away," said casting director Carrie Gardner. "It's super friendly, always happy, but slightly heightened so you can laugh at it, though not too much. Clark has an open, bright, happy face. That's what draws people in."

Indeed, even in speaking about his life and path, Mr. Johnsen has an earnest, sunny bearing. "What forged the ultimate positivity of the Mormon character was the trek across the Plains. I don't believe in the religion at all, but it makes me emotional to think about those people trekking across," he said.

As a young person, however, he did have to face the church's position on homosexuality, which lead to periods of "constantly dissecting in my head every choice and thought." It was a process that had implications onstage. "My acting teachers in college would say 'All you are doing is thinking. You are not feeling anything. You need to evoke emotions in others. You're being so cerebral,' " he said, adding that such observations only made him more so. "I was like, 'What do you mean by cerebral?' "

Before he left for his mission in Mexico, he had already come out to his parents and church leaders. When some of his companions on the mission (who change every three months or so, unlike in the musical) asked about his sexuality, he was honest with them.

"They would say, 'I'm glad you're trying to beat this thing,' and they would always share something with me, too," he said. "It opened a door for an emotional bond to form."

While the musical version of a young Mormon's mission is played for laughs, Mr. Johnsen is more amused by the similarities than offended.

"The costume is exactly what I wore on my mission -- only the name tags are bigger," he said. "And the way my hair is parted, that's how I used to wear it."

The Mormon reaction to the show, he says, is somewhat positive because it introduces the church's story. "Starting with Joseph Smith, there is this dream of fame, spreading throughout the world," he said.

Despite his independence from the church, Mr. Johnsen -- who has four siblings who are still active in the church and two who aren't -- considers his experience a net gain of life skills, including the ability to meet new people easily, ask questions and network professionally.

"I don't regret a second of it," he said.

My favorite thing about all of this has been what I see as a huge opportunity to share a holistic and positive view of this experience. Not only does it make me feel SO GOOD to speak about sexuality and faith in this context, I suddenly find myself in a position to either widen the gap of understanding, or build a bridge and shorten it. Even if my thoughts are but an undetectable blip on the radar of most mormons, I still feel that I have been given a true gift. The chance to explore a loving and accepting ideology in a public forum is EXACTLY what I have been wanting and seeking in my life.

My joy is full.

OPENING NIGHT!

2011-03-27T19:40:00.001-07:00

High Maints Baby

2011-03-22T10:23:00.000-07:00

I'm at the DMV right now waiting forever to exchange my expired liscense for a brand new one. The line would be moving a lot faster if the only teller was not occupied with a very high maints baby. Literally a tiny baby in Dora pajamas complete with footies is getting an ID. They keep trying to get a usable photo of her but she keeps looking away when they snap the photo. What are you? Hungry? Tired? You're so high maints baby!!! Baby's internal monologue, "listen- I'm going to need some breastmilk - in a sippie cup, I'm going to need a better photo background and I'm going to need you to replace this dingy florescent lighting honey. Then we can talk. And queen, hurry this up- my flight to Milano leaves in an hour and 20.

Delving back into the Book of Mormon

2011-03-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

This week is the opening night for a new Broadway Musical:

Besides being really excited as a self proclaimed ex-mormon to have this musical come to the great white way, its even more exciting that I am able to be a part of it! I am in the ensemble of the show- which in this show means that I spend almost the entire show as a missionary. (Although I do make a brief appearance as Brigham Young!!) Being able to relive an experience that was as vivid as a mormon mission is a rare experience, and it is one that I am cherishing with every breath. The show is INCREDIBLY well written, well acted, and well directed and choreographed. It is one of those rare theatrical experiences where all the parts have come together in perfect alchemy to make solid gold.

During our preview process, I have already met a couple of people from the blogosphere at the stage door after the show! One young man told me that he has watched several of my youtube videos, and he introduced me to his boyfriend! Another pair of handsome guys told me on this last Saturday that they used to read this very blog- you know, back when I used to actually write in this very blog. In this very blog, there's quite enough love for one like me... I digress. In any case, it is due to those 2 new friends from Saturday that I am writing this post. I realize that this is going to be an experience that I am going to want to document- if for no other reason than just recording it for myself. After all, it is my heritage to record my personal history, and so I shall continue, even if sparsly so.

Its Mask Monday

2010-02-15T16:20:00.000-08:00

Get into it.

Freestyle

2010-02-11T15:56:00.000-08:00

I'm not writing with a purpose today I am just writing because I want to. I have to say, one of the major remnants of mormonism in me, which may have been an innate personal characteristic regardless of religious inculcation, is my absolute love of learning. I find that when I am not reading a book, or learning something new, I feel much less like myself. I have created a sort of public persona that really goes along with it too. For most of my life, I have felt some amount of pressure to live up to this persona; to always be learning a language, reading a dense book, or visiting an interesting country.

As a form of self-exploration I have, over the last few years, taken some time off from such lofty pursuits. I have spent quite a bit of time watching VERY delectable VERY trashy television (flavor of love 1, 2, AND 3-- nuff said), and have allowed myself a respite from my usual language studies. I haven't learned any weird alphabets and I haven't impressed co-workers by rereading "Heart of Darkness". I did, however, spend some time last Halloween speaking Russian to a random cab driver while dressed like Taylor from the Rachel Zoe Project. My cast mates were duly impressed, but I have to admit I was resting on the laurels of past linguistic pursuits. To illustrate, I was NOT speaking Hindi withe cab driver on the way home or even discussing the 5 Ks of Sikhism with him. And that haunts me to this day.

Just kidding.

But truthfully, after this self allowed cocoon from a persona greatly tied to my upbringing I have emerged the best butterfly I can be right now in my life. I have realized 2 wonderful things about myself: 1) that I feel most alive and most healthy emotionally and spiritually speaking when I am in the process of learning something exhilarating and fascinating and 2) I don't have to be doing it all the time to be a valid, whole, and happy human being. The "self" has no actual need for such rigidity after all! I think we are all expansive enough to realize and ACCEPT that we can be flexible with ourselves; even our own image of ourselves, and still be US. Not studying language did not take away my Clarkness. I didn't know that before, but now that I do, I can let my reading and studying and learning enhance my Clarkness instead of define it.

YES DIVA!!!

2010-02-10T16:37:00.000-08:00

This is so funny to me!

Living for Liza in a sequined teal flowy top. YES QUEEN!!

Why not?

2010-02-09T15:33:00.000-08:00

It just feels right to write today. Writing with the right to do so, and with the right writing attitude. Its all right. Right? Write. Maybe its the fact that a huge snowstorm is supposed to be hitting the city tonight, or maybe its just that my sister is starting a blog and that made me remember how much I like doing this, and how nice it is to write thoughts onto a screen and transform them into words. Irregardless, (one of my favorite controversial double negatives EVER) I'm posting today.

So much has happened, I took a marvelous trip to Spain and the south of France, I went BACK to chicago to do the Pre-Broadway tryout of The Addams Family, and now am back in the big apple for an indeterminate amount of time. This is odd: for the first time in probably 5 years (I'm guessing) I don't have any future flights booked. Although maybe thats more normal than I think. Most of my family and friends I guess are always planning a trip sometime in the next year. I am NOT, which is very unusual for me. I am in New York, or as my dear friend Carlos says, "la ciudad de muchos sueños, ojala que sean realizados, no quebrados". It appears for me, for the moment, they are being realizados. So I'm going with that.

Tonight Constantine and I are seeing Carmet at the Met Opera. Its a new production, and it promises to be promising. I am back in rehearsals during the day for our impending Broadway opening of Addams Family. We have a new director now, Jerry Zaks, who is being credited as "creative consultant", but who is 100% in charge in the rehearsal room. Our prior director is still attached to the project creatively, but is not currently in the room with us. We have been told he will join us sometime after we get to the theater. I am not allowed to share details that have not been made public, so I'll leave it at that. Its been fun though, almost every show that is opening in the next several months is rehearsing in the same building, so were all one happy Broadway family. Were into the theater in about a week and a half. Here is our marquis.

Well thats all for now!

Obviously

2009-06-17T17:43:00.000-07:00

I've been off of the blogging radar for some time.. I am back in New York City and have started working on my newest project-- the Addams Family! It is an extremely exciting adventure that is just beginning. We just have a 2 week reading right now, but we start up mounting the full production in September, and we will have our pre-Broadway tryout in Chicago from October-January! Its going to be a great show I hope. There are very creative people working on it, so I have high hopes!! Other than that I am just getting settled back here in the city. I hope that I can really start catching up with friends and acquaintances later this week! Constantine's birthday is Friday, so that will definitely be the big event of the weekend. New York is always fun to come back to.. it just never stops being New York, and I love that.

Hi

2009-06-04T11:32:00.000-07:00

I've been away with my boyfriend and his mom for several days-- IN VEGAS!! It was an absolutely amazing trip and I will post some highlights later today. In the meanwhile, I found this amazing Marry Poppins remix-- its so clever! Its not a song from the movie, its a new song made out of different parts of the movie-- VERY EURO. I was mesmerized watching it!

The Racial Backpedal

2009-05-28T00:47:00.000-07:00

This is my cast's newest spoof! Co-conceived and co-directed by yours truly! Enjoy

My Feelings on Prop 8

2009-05-26T12:16:00.000-07:00

I found this video this morning and it really reflects my overall feelings on the upholding of prop 8. I am just not going to let this get me down in any way. I know that we have time on our side, and I do feel marriage equality is inevitable in this country. I like what this guy says here-- that even though this news is hard to take, it is positive because furthering the dialogue about marriage equality will speed up the process of marriage equality. What are your thoughts?

Popcorn with Wyatt

2009-05-21T21:45:00.000-07:00

One of my bestest friends in the whole world, Wyatt Darling came and visited me in Chicago last weekend. We had SUCH a great time just living our lives. One specific thing we have talked about doing for a long time is making a video discussing our experiences as gay mormons. Wyatt, like me, served a 2 year mission in Mexico and attended BYU. If you have a few minutes on your hands and want to hear our perambulations regarding Mormonism and homosexuality, then I cordially invite you to JUMP IN.

The video has 5 parts.. they are all imbedded and should play one after the next!

BOOYA BITCH

2009-05-21T10:53:00.001-07:00

I have posted somewhat on this "enhanced interrogation" issue-- aka torture. We even made a spoof about it! In recent news, Nancy Polosi has contradicted the CIA's claim that she knew about the torture methods being employed to extract information from detainees. Now whether she is lying about not knowing to cover her ass, or whether she really didn't know DOESN'T MATTER nearly as much as the fact that these things were allowed to happen. No one can tell yet whether Cheney was the originator of these ideas, but from how much he has been talking lately compared to his usual secretive approach to everything, it would seem he has something to hide. Here is a clip from the view from the other day.. Jesse Ventura vs. Elizabeth. Bam.

Pink Dot

2009-05-18T12:41:00.001-07:00

I posted this a little while back, and I wanted you to see the rest of it. Its absolutely amazing and so profound yet simple. Its a pink dot seen from high above made up of people who are seeking tolerance and love. Its a pink dot of love.

This is such a coincidence

2009-05-18T09:44:00.001-07:00

I was at work the other day on my phone just checking texts, emails, reading status updates, making an online reservation, playing cribbage, ordering flowers, and listening to fantastic music. I suddenly was just filled with happiness because I love my iphone so much. I just announced to all my dressing room-mates that I loved my phone so much, and how pleased I am because it can basically do everything. I then said I wouldn't be surprised if someone invented a phone that is also a vibrator-- because these phones do so much these days why wouldn't they also fulfill you sexually as well!! Literally, after we laughed about how funny that would be to have a vibrator/phone we forgot about it. UNTIL THE NEXT DAY THIS APPEARED AT MY DRESSING STATION:

This is an OhMiBod. The future is already upon us people. This is a vibrator that is powered by your iphone/ipod and happens to detect the beat of your music and well, vibrates accordingly. Now you can take the Wilson-Phillips song and turn it into more than a tear jerker.

I find this outstanding, amazing, and completely hilarious. Go after it!!!!!

El cuartel brings you a very gay medley

2009-05-16T00:43:00.000-07:00

This is our effort from last week.. i think you will like the song choice(s)

I love this

2009-05-15T14:13:00.000-07:00

This is an event that will take place in Singapore at 4:30pm tomorrow. A group of people who support gay rights and awareness will dress in pink and stand together to be photographed from the air as a pink dot. Watch this beautiful video.

Open Letter to LDS Leaders

2009-05-15T09:39:00.001-07:00

This appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune a few days ago. Amazing.
Last Wednesday, when Gov. John E. Baldacci signed the law granting gay marriage in Maine, he said:
"I did not come to this decision lightly. ... I opposed gay marriage [but] I have come to believe that this is a question of fairness and of equal protection under the law. ... The Maine Constitution states that 'no person shall be deprived of life, liberty or property without due process of law, nor be denied the equal protection of the laws, nor be denied the enjoyment of that person's civil rights or be discriminated against.' ... This new law does not force any religion to recognize a marriage that falls outside of its beliefs. ... Instead, it ... guarantees that Maine citizens will be treated equally under Maine's civil marriage laws, and that is the responsibility of government. ... My responsibility is to uphold the Constitution and do ... what is right."
I plead with Mormon leaders and members to emulate the reluctant governor of Maine, to ponder and study out in their minds just what "equal protection" means, and then fast and pray about giving gays the same justice you have begged for throughout your history. Do what is right!
Greg Reggio
Pleasant View

Gay Panic Attack

2009-05-14T21:05:00.000-07:00

You guys I don't often have a gay panic attack, but I had one today because of this. I have been waiting for this FOREVER. Its the preview for the movie musical "NINE". Its one of my favorite scores (Sarah, surprisingly not a black musical).. so beautiful and intriguing. You guys.. this preview is freaking me out its so amazing.. and listen. This is FERGIE singing this song. Its out of control. Daniel Day Lewis plays Guido, Penelope Cruz is Carla, Marion Cotillard is Luisa Contini, Nicole Kidman is Claudia, Sophia Loren plays Guido's mother, Fergie is playing Saraghina, and Dame Judi Dench is playing Lilliane Le Fleur. I'm just speechless.

Yoga Mind Revelations - Part 2

2009-05-14T11:43:00.001-07:00

I am writing a part 2 because what I sat down to write no longer fit in what became part 1. I realized that I have 2 different ideas that came to my mind today.

After the class was over, I found myself to be in a very unguarded state of mind. There were these 2 girls talking and laughing in the lobby of the studio, and suddenly I wondered what my life would be like if I had married a woman. I thought to myself that I would probably have a couple of children by now, and wondered what that would feel like. I would love to have children one day, but I am not so determined to be a dad that I will ignore the data at hand. In other words, if it really works for my life to have children, then I think it will happen naturally. But if it doesn't-- if my career is such that I couldn't offer children a stable home etc., then I probably will not have children. This is quite a drastic change for me; I have always insisted that I will have children. So as I was disinfecting my yoga mat I thought about not having children as a potential reality for my life. That idea used to depress me, but now it does not.

I have read several books on multiple lives/reincarnation and found that a big part of me resonates with the concepts of that ideology. Intellectually it appeals to me because I like the idea of a consciousness that we get to bring a bit of past this life and into other ones. I also like the idea that parts of my personality are what they are because of things I have experienced past my own life's memory. But beyond that, I like the idea of reincarnation because it gives me a chance to accept my life fully. I get to have what I get to have, and even if I don't get certain things during this life, ie children, its ok! I have been a mother in other incarnations, I will be a father in others, and therefore I really do have it all. Within my body is a soul that has done it all dozens and dozens of times. I lack nothing. I have all that I need, and I don't need to mourn the losses of this life because this life is not the whole story.

Oddly, I feel that mormonism in some ways prepared me for belief in reincarnation. The pre-earth life, being an "intelligence" before I was created spiritually, being some sort of nebulous essence before that, and of course our life after this one-- in a way they are all incarnations. They are all new lives the connect with all the ones before and after.

Feeling connected to this idea-- choosing to believe that it could be true gives me a way to let go of feeling the pain of loss of something that is inevitably out of my control. What we get and don't get to experience in this life is somewhat in our hands, but it is also somewhat not. With what we can affect and control, we should go after all that we desire in this life, but if something we want is truly out of reach, we can accept that and know it has already been attained in the past, or will come to us down the road. But in the meantime, we should keep reaching-- because its good for us.

Yoga Mind Revelations - Part 1

2009-05-14T11:26:00.000-07:00

Every time I take bikram yoga it is a different and unique challenge for my body and for my mind. For those who do not know, bikram yoga is a practice comprising a series of postures performed each class for the same length of time, in the same order, and all in a room set at 105F and at 40% humidity. The postures in an of themselves are difficult, and have easy/harder variations, but what really pushes bikram into its own category is the heat. When I tell people that they should practice yoga and they say they are too ADD for yoga, I tell them to take bikram. Its so f*cking hot you can't be ADD. You are focused on how miserable it feels to be working your tail off and hotter than hell. If you practice often, its still a challenge, but not such an infernal one. I have been going a few times a week for the past month, so today was hard, but not torture. Last month, my first visit to this studio was also my first time to do bikram in over a year. It was torture.

Why would you torture yourself, one might ask? Often times bikram instructors will say during class, "youre giving yourself a mini heart attack now so that you can avoid the big ones later." Beyond avoiding heart attacks, the reason to go is simple: the benefit. If there were no benefit then it really would be torture. But the benefit is so incredible that you go back again and again to gain that clear mind, energized body, and enjoyment of your inner strength. My whole life I have struggled with a sense of fear that I won't make it. I remembered today as I was struggling in the hot room that during my mission I would count the months that I had completed, wondering how bad it would be to go home with that many months. I just didn't know if I could make it. When I got to 4 months.. then again when I got to 6. How bad am I going to look after only finishing 6 months? When I got past the one year mark I think I realized that I was going to make it. But I still struggle at times with that thought.. I don't know if I can make it.
When I was in High School I ran cross country. I remember that during every single race I would REALLY pace myself just in case it got really hard. I was afraid if I went full throttle I would just not make it to the end. Once my coach called me out on it: he said-- JOHNSEN! You need to RUN. You are not going to fold up like a wet noodle from pushing yourself. You are not going to die so RUN FASTER. He saw that I could run faster than I was running.

For me my life is a constant challenge of deciding that I can make it. Now as an adult I know that I can choose to just stay with it and trust that it won't kill me-- whatever the challenge is. Today I started getting really hot during the latter part of the class. I started to feel afraid that I would run out of energy, that I would overheat, or that I would become too uncomfortable for my threshold. Because I know I won't die, I just keep going. I faced that challenge today and I am proud of that. After that everything seems easy. I feel grateful for smaller challenges because they pale in comparison. Thats a big benefit in my life.

Blogging at Intermission

2009-05-09T13:20:00.000-07:00

I've been so involved in extra curricular activities during my stint at Mary Poppins, I thought I might as well add blogging to my list of inter-show activities. Constantine is here again this weekend, and yesterday we had my second, his first trip to Oprah! I love having an Oprah hookup. Its just awesome to know that I can see the queen when I need to. I think for Constantine it was both amazing and somewhat disillusioning to see her show. Something about the camera and the TV in your home makes the medium seem so personal, so intimate, yet when you are at a filming, the audience is SO removed from the process. The host and guests are performing to the camera, not to you. Theater is so different because the performance is for the audience and the audience only. Not millions of unseen people out there in the dark. It was weird for him, but it was still amazing. We saw SEAL perform and talk about his 4th child.. a little girl! It was great.

I just took this picture of Justin and myself.. he still has some of his supercal/playing the game makeup on! Anyway, were at places so I'm off, but its been nice saying hi!!!

alone

2009-05-05T13:58:00.000-07:00

I have not left my apartment since Sunday night. I mean it. Not even set foot into the hallway. Its not only a good way to clear out my DVR, catch up on phone calls, but its also EXTREMELY economical! I will not have spent even 1 cent in nearly 2 full days. That is pretty amazing. Whats even better, is that I just love being home by myself. I'm so content. I remember back in college and before I used to hate being by myself. I would make someone come with me to take out the trash or run a short errand! Maybe doing all these out of town jobs and tours has made it so that I had to learn to be alone. I guess in the process I learned also to like myself and enjoy my own company. I think I am so much easier on myself than I used to be, which is a big part of enjoying alone time. I used to beat myself up for EVERYTHING. No wonder I wanted other people around all the time: to buffer the way I treated myself! Anyway, its 5 de mayo so I just wanted to say hi and I hope everyone who reads this is having a great day, whether alone or with friends

HERE SHE IS BOYS!!!

2009-05-04T03:12:00.000-07:00

I'm doing it

2009-05-02T10:34:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow we are spoofing Miss California. And I am going to play her. In full drag. With both evening and swimsuit wardrobe. Its not going to be mean spirited, just spoof and hyperbole. My boyfriend thinks its a bad idea. Thoughts?

Crosspatch Takes On Torture

2009-05-01T00:32:00.000-07:00

Many of you know about the "torture memos"-- documents recently released by the Obama administration that attempted to "legalize" certain acts as part of the interrogation process that have been internationally illegal since the Geneva Conventions. These law bending documents somehow explain how certain torturous acts are actually NOT torture, and justifies their use in interrogation. Waterboarding is one of these forms of torture that have been in use during the Bush administration with detainees from whom the US was trying to extract intelligence. One of the main authors of the documents is Jay Bybee, who is currently serving a federal judge on the United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit. Bybee is also a BYU alumni!!!!! Who would have guessed? (answer: me) Its extremely freaky that someone who legally justified torture, a clear distortion of the law, is now interpreting law in our judicial system.

Hmmm.. How can we make a movie about torture memos, and still be tasteful... hmmm lets see. Oh I know! Watch.

Swine Flu

2009-04-30T15:40:00.001-07:00

BRACE YOURSELVES- We've FINALLY found patient 1.

Cuartel goes Caribbean

2009-04-30T10:32:00.001-07:00

Food Storage!

2009-04-28T16:19:00.001-07:00

The mormon in me is coming out hardcore today! With all the news about this swine flu, and without any degree of panic, I thought it might be a good time to get a few extra rations of pasta, canned beans, dried beans and grains, juice, nuts, taco seasonings, bullion cubes, albacore, salmon, soup, peanut butter, etc. I know that this situation nationally seems very much under control, but Linda (Don's mom) is here and she had me look frankly up into my cupboard to see if I could last 3 days here in a possible lockdown. The cupboard wasn't exactly BARE, but I figured a few extra things is always a good idea regardless of whether an actual emergency arises. Another useful tidbit: in an emergency where water has been turned off, it is safe to drink the water in the toilet tank! (NOT the bowl where you do your business!!) However, it is not safe to use the tank water if you use those "cleaners" in the tank. They will make the water toxic obviously. If you are grossed out by that notion, you can always clean your tank on a monthly basis just to be secure.

I think some basic food storage is a good idea. I must say, however, that mormon concepts of food storage usually include an extremely unhealthy dose of fear. A lot of mormon food storage spaces also serve as a constant reminder to faithful or semi-faithful LDS everywhere that the end of the world is nigh upon us, and you better be paying your tithing and obeying the prophet's every command or else you will be BURNED CRISPY BITCHES. Get out that second earring, throw away your tank tops, and don't use any crrrrazy fingernail polish OR ELSE. I don't agree with fear tactics, but I guess if you are going to be scared shitless anyway, you might as well have a decent food storage.

Tribute to Bea

2009-04-26T08:40:00.000-07:00

El Cuartel took a moment yesterday to pay tribute to a wonderful woman who brought so much joy and love into all of our homes. Miss Bea Arthur. We love you and we will miss you.

My newest obsession

2009-04-25T13:32:00.000-07:00

This was featured last night on my favorite news show, The Rachel Maddow Show. Its AMAZING. I am especially obsessed with the katie couric section.

Miss California

2009-04-24T13:21:00.000-07:00

Probably anyone within the reach of my blog has heard about the now infamous Miss California Response to Perez Hilton's question at the recent Miss USA pageant. In case you missed it, here it is:

Well, Perez got pissed. He fired back.

After that it just became a barrage of media appearances by both of them.. Perez all over the entertainment news and Miss California on Fox news and stuff. Now of course we know California to be divided nearly in half about this issue, as the vote for prop 8 demonstrated, passing by a garnering 52.6% of votes -- barely a majority. Well a Former Miss California, Nicole Lamarche, is speaking out about Miss Prejean's response. She is amazing.

"As a pastor and a former Miss California, I am often asked to interpret what the Word of God has to say on a particular subject. I am quite confident that God prefers that we human beings stick to speaking for ourselves. And yet there are occasions when God’s Word is used as a weapon, and I feel compelled to speak.

In the past few days, much has been made of the words of Miss California USA, Carrie Prejean. She stated that marriage is between a man and a woman. I write not in response to her opinion, but rather about her comments that followed: that the Bible condones her words. She said, 'It's not about being politically correct, it's about being biblically correct.' While this sentiment is shared by many who seek to condemn gay people and gay marriage, citing pieces of the Bible to further one’s own prejudice fails to meet the Bible on its own terms.

Most people seeking to condemn gay people point to the Book of Leviticus, where we read that men lying with men is an abomination. However, we rarely hear of other verses found in the book of Leviticus that are equally challenging. For example, Leviticus also tells us that eating shrimp and lobster is an abomination. And that a person should not wear material woven of two kinds of material—an impossible mandate for a pageant contestant!

In Paul’s letter to the community in Corinth we read, ‘For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church….’ And yet these words have not prevented Christian denominations from ordaining women, such as myself. Sadly, the Bible has been used to further prejudice throughout history. We have used it to permit ourselves to enslave people; to conquer and kill; and to denigrate the earth.

The truth is that it is difficult to know for sure the intentions of the biblical authors, but we do know something about God. Those of us who know God through Jesus of Nazareth know that he went to great lengths to express God’s love to people who were labeled as outcasts. He spent time with children, prostitutes, and lepers, all of whom were labeled as outside of the grasp of the Holy. As we continue to seek God’s vision for us as a nation grounded in a love for justice, I pray that we might move closer to the cause of grace.”

I must say, this is the essentially the message that one of my favorite documentaries, For the Bible Tells Me So lays out: that the bible doesn't condemn homosexuality any more than it condemns eating shellfish, mixing clothing fabrics, or failing to keep a "kosher kitchen". I think it is utterly ludicrous that there are still people out there touting bible opposition to homosexuality. To me, as accepting as I strive to be of the viewpoints of others, I must admit that this particular viewpoint is one for which I don't have much respect.

As much as these 2 people have again polarized this issue in the media, I think we have to continue to focus on the human rights question at hand. Is it correct to deny full civil rights to a person who wishes to enter into a legal marriage with someone else? No. Its wrong to deny anyone a civil right based on race, creed, or sexuality? Certainly. That's what is important to me. I don't need my marriage to be sanctioned by catholics, mormons, or anyone else who has no wish to celebrate my happiness and my choice in partner. I just want the same rights any other tax paying adult in this country has. And to me, that's not asking too much of anyone.

Powerful Women of my Idolatry

2009-04-21T08:04:00.001-07:00

Over the course of the past week, I have spoken to both Oprah and Suze Orman. These are 2 of my favorite famous women. And I got to talk to them both!!

OPRAH

Since I am in Chicago it is only natural that I would try to find a way to see Oprah. I DVR her show every day, and watch almost every episode. I like a lot of things about her show, but what I think I like the most is that she has created a place where people know that they should tell the truth. Celebrities cry on Oprah who have possibly never cried in public before.. people come forward and tell their sometimes brutally painful stories on national TV. I think that's pretty amazing.

SO. Things became really easy when I noticed on our bulletin board at work that our company manager had managed to get us passes to see Oprah- we just had to pick the day. So, Tia, the rest of the "el cuartel" and I all signed up. We are all huge fans, but especially my friend Kiara, so it was a date we were all looking forward to.

My alarm went off at 7 am. In actor-ese, that's basically like 3 am. But we all got there and waited in a long line outside Harpo studios, which is just west of the loop on Washington street. Shortly, a gorgeous woman of color with a clipboard came out and called our party and took us in ahead of a lot of people.... haaaaaaaay, special treatment! After that we all had to fill out a blue release form, and then did some more waiting in a holding room. Slowly, party by party, we were taken into the studio: where all the magic happens. Because we had all dressed in bright colors as instructed, we were placed in the second and third rows right smack dab in the middle. Then we waited some more, had an Oprah staff member "warm up" the audience, and then--- SHE CAME OUT.

To say that upon seeing Oprah I sincerely felt I was seeing a unicorn in the forest is a huge understatement. I am honestly NEVER someone who is star struck or at a loss for words. But Oprah is a total unicorn, and I knew I was in the presence of something great. Here's the thing. She looked pretty tired. She was wearing a tight dark wash denim pants obviously tailor made for her-- no pockets whatsoever, and a flowy sea foam green top and these FIERCE metallic heels. She sort of walked out from backstage very slowly like she had just dragged herself to the set. One of the first things she said verified this-- "I love doing this show y'all, but I am TIRED. I can't wait till we are done filming for the season!"

After she filmed the first segment for the show, which was entitled "Heroes in Hard Times", she started to warm up more and more. During the commercial breaks she started telling these amazing stories to the live audience. She told us about her very first car, which was a Chevette, and how much she loved that car. She said that years later while she was driving around in her Mercedes, she happened to see her old Chevette out on the road, and she got very excited about it and yelled to the guy who was driving it, "Hey! I love that car". He looked at her Mercedes and assumed she was mocking him and his Chevette, so he flipped her off! And Oprah flipped US off while telling the story. Amazing.

The show was really touching-- it was about people who, in spite of the economic downturn had found a way to give of themselves and help people. It was really amazing to see these stories. After the show finished filming, Oprah took some questions from the audience: just discussing what we could do to help, and what inspired us from the people who were highlighted during the show. I (of course) made a comment about how it seemed to me that most of these very giving people had taken inspiration from a something simple and prosaic. I said that it seemed like we don't need an earth-shattering moment to do good, we just need to be in the mindset to HELP, and then inspiration will come. Oprah agreed with me and said that she thought we all could look for those moments. I then said, I just find these people so beautiful, and she then said "beautiful" as she tends to repeat the last word of someone else's sentence as a way of agreeing with them. It was AMAZING!!!

SUZE

Suze Orman is one of my absolute favorite TV personalities. She is an out and proud lesbian jew-ess from Chicago IL famous for being a larger than life financial guru. She has written over 10 books about finance, many of which have been best sellers. What I think I love most about Suze is her great insight into people and money. Every Saturday night at 8pm on CNBC she is on the air, talking to people about money, answering questions, and letting people know whether or not they can afford what they SO want to buy. Constantine and I have been watching her show for years, and learning great financial habits along the way. But as I said, Suze doesn't just talk about money. She talks about the way people spend money being a reflection of the way they tend to interact interpersonally. If someone is stingy with money, they are probably rigid and ungenerous with love and affection. If someone's financial life is in chaos, it is very probable that their life overall is in chaos. Suze is always an advocate for TRUTH. When this recession hit she was so big into GETTING HONEST. How much debt are we carrying around? Why are we living beyond our means? Why are we suffering in silence about our debt and how irresponsible we have been? She wants people to get real about their financial situations so they can get real in their lives. She is a very inspiring person to me, and of course even more so because she is someone how is not only encouraging of people to be honest about money, but also about their lives. Her partner is called K.T. (I don't know what that stands for, but that is what Suze calls her)

So, a couple of weeks ago, I had a financial question. Almost as a whim I decided that I would go onto her website and ask my question via email. To my GREAT delight, one of the producers of the show got back to me and said that she though my question was interesting, and wondered if I wanted to be on the show. Now bear in mind I had JUST seen Oprah one day before. My dreams seemed to be coming true at such a rapid pace!! I said yes I would love to talk to Suze in as restrained a manner as possible, but clearly not that restrained because the producer then responded, "You're really excited, aren't you?" Um YES.

Yesterday was my big phone date with Suze. I was sitting in an absolute fixed position after the producer called me and told me that I would be talking to Suze next, and in a few moments I was patched through to another girl's phone call to Suze about whether or not she should marry this guy who was in a great deal of debt. Suze was on fire!! I was so excited. After the young lady finished her question, there was a brief cesura, during which Suze cleared her throat and said something to someone in her studio. Then, she said, "Clark, MY BROADWAY BABY, what can I do for you??" I really wasn't expecting her to mention my career because I didn't remember discussing it with her producer, but I must've mentioned that I do musical theater. So then before I could even answer, she said, "I have to ask, will you sing something for me??" I don't know why, but the first thing that came into my head (Hilary this is for you) was the "Lullaby of Broadway", so I sang that. She then asked me what show I was in, and I told her I was in her hometown doing "Mary Poppins". She seemed to love that. Then I continued that I am absolutely in love with her show, and that my "partner" (Suze always says that so it seemed appropriate) and I watch her show every Saturday night instead of going out and spending money. "Date night with Suze, date night with Suze, that's what I call it. Stick with me boyfriend- now ask me your question!" I proceeded to ask her about an Adjustable Rate Mortgage my credit union offered, and as expected (she hates ARMs, but this one wasn't AS BAD as some so that's why I asked), she advised against it. "Let me set the STAGE (get it) for you my dear Clark. You need to get a FIXED mortgage so you know how much you are paying every single month. Spread your little broadway wings and find a different lender, there is not a better time to get a 30 or 15 year fixed right now, and that is what you should do."

So that is how I came to speak to both Oprah and Suze in the course of one week. I love my life!

I wish I could have done it this well

2009-04-18T23:01:00.001-07:00

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage Ad

colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

NASA Name Contest

wow this is a lot

2009-04-18T10:38:00.000-07:00

I should have guessed from all of the Utah accents in the NOM "gathering storm", and also from something in my own DNA that made me want to spoof the F out of that lame commercial.. but now many are definitively stating that NOM is INDEED a front group for the LDS church. Californians Aagainst Hate is a group established in July 2008 to expose some of the major donors toward the passage of prop 8 in California. “We believe that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon Church) established the National Organization for Marriage (NOM) as its front group in order to qualify Proposition 8 for ballot last year in California,” said Fred Karger, Founder of Californians Against Hate. “After spending several million dollars in California, NOM recently moved into 7 Northeast States considering marriage equality.

Well, Californians Against Hate is fighting back with an online ad campaign. Here it is.

Is it just me, but its the cadence of the poem off, like, A LOT? Well in any case, lets hope that the church is able to find a place in the world without trying to stop gay people from getting married. I hope that the general authorities and the members alike all learn from this experience. Stifling a minority group never really helps anyone out in the long run. You'd think they would know that. But I guess they forgot. If you want to see some of the letters from the generals that link them to anti-gay efforts, check out www.mormongate.com

watch the first 2 minutes

2009-04-18T10:24:00.001-07:00

Auditions --- LEAKED!!!

2009-04-16T10:21:00.001-07:00

You've seen the "gathering storm" spoof that some friends and I created... now see the audition tapes-- LEAKED!

Just following their advice

2009-04-15T20:37:00.000-07:00

I just found a bunch of these and it brought me back... I never realized it before-- but I am following this counsel all the way. Thanks mormon church. I'm the daisy!!!

The DEFINITIVE Gathering Storm Spoof

2009-04-13T22:53:00.000-07:00

Starring ME and my friends.. written by my brother Zane. ENJOY

the newest spoof! brills

2009-04-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

i can't believe its still going on!

2009-04-11T23:47:00.001-07:00

look at this gorgeous clutch I found online

2009-04-10T12:39:00.000-07:00

I think it would be perfect for my next red carpet event.. it would really pop on the carpet!

Even More about HRC and NOM.

2009-04-10T10:37:00.000-07:00

So brilliant... and she shows some of the best "auditions" for the "gathering storm" commercial. Do I detect some Utah accents???????

Brilliance in my genes

2009-04-10T00:32:00.000-07:00

After all my recent posts about "the storm gathering" commercial, my brother Zane came up with this new "script" for the commercial. I think I might have to make a remake with all my co-workers! You can just see us in front of a green-screen reading these lines with a multi-ethnic cast to make us seem as diverse and sincere and benevolent as possible.

"You're at home with your wife and children watching some television to end a wholesome fun-filled night of Family Home Evening when suddenly homosexuals are on the screen. What's that you hear? Homosexuals getting married? That's right. It's the nagging in your mind that causes you to question your love for your wife. What's worse, turning your head slowly toward little Molly and Peter you see your worst fears suddenly manifest themselves in your own home. Your children have probably just both turned gay.

The Storm isn't just coming, it has arrived. It's like a flood in the living room and the whole family is being washed away by the wiles of Satan and his dark army of homos. Peter begins playing with Molly's toys. Molly has decided she's a vegetarian. Your wife leaves the house a mess as she goes to back to college. And you? You're sucking dicks behind the local gay bar "The Cockpit" for meth.

This could happen to YOU. Stop gay marriage NOW before the fags get you too!!!"

ZANE YOU ARE MY HERO

ALREADY A REMIX RESPONSE!!!!!

2009-04-09T14:48:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe this. I think that this commercial that I just posted on a few minutes ago was released just DAYS ago and already there is a youtube REMIX of it!!! I am dying over this. AMAZING job!!! And way to get it out FAST kids!

If you haven't seen this you should

2009-04-09T14:40:00.000-07:00

In an incredible week for equality, lesbian and gay couples in Iowa and Vermont BOTH won the right marry.

But right-wing groups are mounting a campaign to reverse the decision in Iowa with a constitutional marriage ban – just like California's Proposition 8. They have even launched a national TV ad, full of outrageous falsehoods, in the wake of these landmark victories:

The BEST part of all of this is that the AUDITION TAPES WERE LEAKED! It just utterly brilliant to watch these. For real. Get that sincere line reading honey! Get that national commercial and book that gig!!!!

Gay Fish

2009-04-09T11:46:00.000-07:00

Its really funny that my prior posting was a documentary trailer called "Fish out of Water". Clearly there is something in the creative water right now-- Fish, Gayness, Wow.

"Fish out of Water"

2009-04-08T21:45:00.001-07:00

"Fish out of Water" is a documentary that explores the impassioned relationship between homosexuality and the Bible. By filmmaker Ky Dickens. Coming out Summer 2009.

Here is the trailer!

"You Guys Don't Understand. You've Already Lost."

2009-04-08T20:49:00.000-07:00

When asked if he would co-sponsor a bill which would amend Iowa's constitution to define marriage as only between a man and a woman, Iowa Senate Majority Leader Mike Gronstal responded like this:

I really love that this man, who is in a position of leadership, is able to think about and care about a group of people that he doesn't himself belong to. I also wholeheartedly believe that this idea of tolerance and love, and recognizing as valid the way that others innately love will only expand the love of all those involved in that transaction. As this Senator said.. he hugged his wife and it meant something more.. his love had been expanded, and because of it, his attachments became more meaningful and powerful. I've always said that all those parents who refuse to let their gay children come home, or bring their partners home would be SHOCKED by the overwhelming love they would feel if they would just say "YES". Please come home. We love you. We will love your partner. I think they would be extremely surprised by what a change would take place inside of their bodies. Instead of upholding a principle, they would be showing LOVE to another being of light. My philosophy has always been people over principles. Furthermore, love always expands the soul of he or she who bears it. Its a universal law. Other ways of treating people are more risky.

In any case, Meredith Willson had it right when he wrote: "You really ought to give Iowa a try!"

Patterns/Sustainability

2009-04-07T09:48:00.000-07:00

The craigslist ad I just posted prior to this has taken me back, back back.. to thinking about old patterns of sexual expression followed by self loathing; the great pendulum swing of a gay mormon in transition.

Yes, this is going to be one of those posts.

In 1998 when I returned home from my LDS mission to Mexico, I felt such a powerful sense of strength and accomplishment. After all, so many of the gay men I met before my mission told me I would never be able to survive the 2 year commitment of being a mormon missionary. Ever the rebel, I knew I could prove them wrong, and I did. As I knelt down by my bedside the first night back in the USA, I felt inspired to close my time as a missionary with a final missionary prayer. This was a powerful experience for me-- and though I knew I had not "overcome" my attractions toward men, certainly I had proved that I could control them easily and gracefully. I assumed that being home would be the same, that I would continue being able to control everything about my sexuality, and funnel it into "appropriate" channels. Woah was I in for a shock.

Shortly after I closed my prayer, I felt a rush of homo sexual desire. I felt overwhelmed with wanting a boyfriend, a husband, a man I was in love with to share not only sex, but EVERYTHING. This was extremely confusing considering I had just breathed out a prayer of gratitude for the experience of my mission, and all that it had taught me about myself. Suddenly I felt that I didn't know myself at all. Why were these feelings back with such a vengeance? I thought I had learned to control them! Equally disconcerting was the idea now that as a returned missionary, I would have to start courting women, and eventually marry one. Being a self declared full blown 6 on the Kinsey scale, this was even more daunting than having to avoid boys. How could I do that to a girl? How could I do that to myself? And so I mummified myself. I made an extremely logical decision that I would stick to quite faithfully over the next 7-8 years. I decided that I would date whoever I wanted to date, regardless of gender. If I liked a boy, I would date a boy. If I liked a girl, I would date a girl. I would be as honest as possible about this, (even at BYU) and I would obey the law of chastity 100%. In truth, it was the only way I could fall asleep that first night home from my mission: I had a game plan that I could sustain.

My game plan did get me through BYU quite well. I hardly dated any girls, but that's because I am a 6. I felt like asking out one girl, and we had a brief courtship, but she was even more closed off than I was at the time because of her own personal issues. I did date several boys, and I was just an absolute boundary whore. I would NEVER let my hormones get the best of me. I worked really hard to stay as morally clean as any other BYU student was asked to-- albeit with guys instead of girls. I would totally make out with guys I was dating, but I'd never let clothes come off. It was a dirty job, but my survival demanded it. I didn't want to be living a double life, and even though BYU would kick me out for even dating guys, I figured that God would understand that I was keeping the law of chastity-- I wasn't having sexual relations. Most of my close friends just thought I was crazy and deranged. They didn't understand how I could let myself feel okay about kissing boys. Kissing boys was a sin like unto murder! Or at least drinking coffee.

I moved to New York in 2002 and was TERRIFIED of what would happen to my soul. I really re-wrapped my mummy cloths to make sure the ship of my virtue would not be dragged asunder by the gorgeous and sexually liberated waves of men of Gotham city. But that's exactly what started to happen. After college I slipped into this terribly damaging cycle of behavior. I would hook up with some guy (mind you I still would not do anything too serious, ie no oral or beyond- but I would let the clothes come off now-- standards slipping!!!), go into a stupor of guilt, seriously try to repent, and then rinse and repeat the cycle within 3 months. This went on for almost 2 years before I was able to clearly identify the pattern.

I remember one experience in particular-- I was in Florida doing a National tour and I met a guy at this karaoke bar we went to as a cast. He was a little older than me, stable, extremely attractive, and very interested in me. As if in a trance, I somehow found myself alone with him at his beautiful house, sitting in his hot tub with an expectant boner. Afterwards, I remember being so unresponsive and guilt-ridden that this poor guy thought something was seriously wrong with me. I almost always had that response internally, but I think that this was the first time I actually let anyone see me like that. He was SOOO sweet to me and so tender and affectionate that it made my despondency worse. To have someone treating with the love and compassion that I could not give to myself just broke me down. But I still wasn't ready to break that self destructive pattern. So like clockwork 3 months later.. rinse and repeat.

A couple of years after that I was finally able to identify the pattern and recognize the truth: my emotional and sexual needs were not being met by the choices I was making in my life. I was 28 at the time, almost 29 actually, and I had to recognize the sad fact that I was not allowing myself to fall in love with anyone, be truly intimate with anyone, and for what?? Was I happy? No. Was I actually even keeping the law of chastity anyway? No. Is it possible that I was truly building some imaginary reward for myself in heaven by living this way?? REALLY? I had been in therapy already for a total of about 5 years! Still no "improvement" in my condition. I knew in my heart it was time to stop living this way. I was a mess. I was living in utter emotional and spiritual chaos. I was holding on to an idea of righteousness that I could not sustain happily. I was choosing to see myself as broken and inadequate. There had to be another way.

There is. I found it.

What surprised me most about finally allowing myself to be in a fully committed adult relationship with Constantine was that I did not lose "the Spirit". That was my biggest fear besides having the earth open up and swallow me. In fact I discovered that I could have that inner peace and beauty more frequently because I was not constantly in crisis. I also discovered that I could cultivate a real inner life after choosing to live a life that I could sustain from day to day. And with that, I finally was in a place to be able to help myself, and others. I did experience a lot of authentic guilt during my sexual experiences, but I finally realized that the guilt was because I was being dishonest, living in darkness, and behaving in ways that I vowed I would not. Since liberation from these deceitful behaviors and these negative self fulfilling prophesies, I have no guilt whatsoever about my sex life. It is spiritually, emotionally, and sexually fulfilling.

When I think about relationships, activities, hobbies, or just about anything we do in life- I think we need to choose things that are fulfilling enough that we can sustain them long term. If we get into friendships or relationships where we give give give and get no joy or fulfillment in return, then that relationship will eventually shatter. If we commit to do something that makes us resentful, and does not generate fulfillment and joy then we will eventually either quit and let people down, or worse we will stay and become a hollow shell of a human being: a person living without joy and driven by fear of failure. Love and relationships, especially our romantic relationships should generate joy. They should give us so much that day after day, through compromise, hardship and strife even, we want to keep going. We can keep doing what we promise to do, because we only promise to do things that generate authentic happiness for us. When someone else tells us that we must promise and commit to things that don't generate that joy and fulfillment within us, then we pay a heavy toll over time. I had to finally admit that though I loved the church, being a semi-chaste single person with no opportunity for fulfilling sex, connection, or authenticity was just not a sustainable lifestyle for me. I kept living on non-renewable energy.. and eventually it ran out. So I looked up at the sun and said.. I need to learn to plug into my joy-- a renewable energy source: one that fills me up almost every day.

The tricky thing about life is this: That joy-- that renewable source of love may be exactly the same for all of us. We are the only experts on what we can sustain, and what we cannot. But love is love, and when someone is plugged into it, its pretty easy to see. Conversely, its pretty easy to tell when someone is living in a way that is generating little joy. There's no formula that everyone can follow except maybe this: you have to listen to yourself and believe yourself over anyone else regarding what you need in your life. But that's tricky too, because when you listen to YOU and only YOU, then YOU are solely responsible if you make a mistake.

But then again, is that such a bad thing? I think its the best thing actually. Because that mistake is YOURS. You have no one to blame, and you have the power to try something else tomorrow. And that power is what helps us to discover in what soil our unique seeds of love will flourish for life.

Craigslist delivers

2009-04-06T22:22:00.000-07:00

This was under the "missed connection" section of Craigslist.org from Salt Lake City. It's pretty self explanatory, but its clearly from one guy to another from one of the recent conference sessions. I think this needs to be a youtube short or something. Enjoy!

I saw you, you saw me. We were there for that so-called spiritual
guidance by the higher powers
but it doesn't matter that I pray or fast or what I do, my desires for
another man remain and I can't help
but think there is some reason that God wanted me to see you tonight. I
was the one in the white shirt
and tie. You had the other white shirt and tie on. Tell me what row I
was sitting in so I know it is you.

* Location: Conference * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with
services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1107750750

3,2,1 now we all go home

2009-04-05T09:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday between shows, 2 of my best boys and I decided we would just randomly work out something and perform it. Here is the blessed result. Hope you like it!

Iowa Supreme Court Declares Gay Marriage Ban Unconstitutional

2009-04-03T15:14:00.001-07:00

BIG NEWS today in America's heartland. Rather than recap this whole story let me direct you to one of my favorite gay news blogs: click here

This marks the 4th state in the US where gay marriage is now legal. According to reports I've read, gay couples will be able to legally MARRY in Iowa within 21 days. Out of state couples will be allowed to marry in Iowa, though most states will not recognize it, some do and others will certainly follow. Its also significant that Iowa is not seen as a "liberal" state, or a state on one of the coasts. This is America's heartland were talking about. Apparently the first time this could be challenged is in 2012, and at this moment it seems legislators are opposed to raising a challenge to this ruling. The ruling overturns a 1998 ruling in Iowa which defined marriage as only between a man and a woman.

Iowa gays, GET IT!!

Opening Night and Conjugal Visit

2009-03-30T17:42:00.000-07:00

This week has been SUPER busy with our grand opening night party, the end of previews and excessive rehearsals and a visit from Constantine! I don't like being away from blogging.. I think even if no one ever read my blog I would still feel like I want to do it. For me it is not only a journal and a record of my experiences, it is also a time for me to create something. Even if I just post a picture or video that I find interesting, it is still an entity that didn't exist before I created it. There is something so gratifying to me about the act of creation. And like everything, creation takes effort, time, and carries a piece of the person who created it. To me, that is something pretty spectacular that we can control in this world in which ultimately we have a lot of control in some ways, but in others absolutely NONE. Here are a few pics from the opening night of Mary Poppins National Tour, which I am currently a part of.

This kind of says it all

2009-03-21T23:10:00.000-07:00

the cutest niece EVER

2009-03-21T09:34:00.000-07:00

Sweep that mess UP!

2009-03-17T21:57:00.000-07:00

Today during our photo shoot for the souvenir program we got bored while waiting around and decided to make a calendar of "sexy sweeps". Step in time was never more interesting.

CAUTION--- IMAGES MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME!

Sacred, Secret, or Both

2009-03-16T22:14:00.001-07:00

Lately so many in the mormon community have been talking about this over the past few weeks: Big Love Season 3 Episode 9 "Outer Darkness." I just watched the episode and found all the parts that involved temple information to be 1) extremely accurate-- from my memory they missed one "or" but thats it, and 2) extraordinarily touching and beautiful. I know that these are things that mormons don't want people without a recommend to have access to, but honestly with the information superhighway being what it is today, it is impossible for the temple ceremony to be truly secret anymore. There are too many people who have been through the endowment ceremony too many times, and then separated from the church. I watched a one hour video on youtube where an ex-mormon goes word for word through the ceremony and even gives the people in his audience the signs and tokens as they are given in current endowment ceremonies. He even talks about the changes that were made in 1990 and also prior to that.

For me, this is not a time to express outrage or be incensed that everyone knows the secrets. Anyone who wanted to know what temple clothing looks like, who wanted to hear the rituals of passing through the veil, or who wanted to see the celestial room already has all of that at his/her fingertips. I think this is now a time for mormons to not be concerned about what outsiders know. They should be proud of the temple ceremonies. Making them public doesn't make them less meaningful. On the contrary. All of the basic saving ordinances in the church are public, and that doesn't diminish their efficacy according to the precepts of the faith. Why then this sudden outrage? For me it is because it is a situation that they are unable to control. The information came out not because they said it could. But like all secrets, when you share them, they will come out. I think TBMs should be VERY grateful that the information was not only accurate, but presented in such a way as to make these rituals seem meaningful, poignant, spiritual, and important in the lives of those who call upon them.

I no longer believe that the church is the only true and living church on the face of the earth, but I am supportive of people's journeys as long as they are loving, high vibrational, non-violent, and don't take away the agency of others to have similar loving and full sojourns on this planet.

If you are an active mormon and are reading this, I would like to challenge you to make a change today. Don't be a victim. Don't be someone who is being persecuted or exposed. Be proud of your faith. Embrace the beauty of what you believe in. Don't be afraid of information coming out. If you really believe it is the truth, then no unhallowed hand can stop it. Truth is truth and it needs no buttress. You can choose gratitude instead of offense. No one has taken anything from you or your faith. What is no longer secret can still be sacred. That's always been the temple watch cry: Its not secret, its SACRED.

Now is your chance to prove it.

Stealing Playgirl, Transparently

2009-03-12T23:51:00.000-07:00

I don't often do "confessional" posts, but I am going to do one now, mostly because something from my past made its way into my consciousness today, and I am going to do now what I do best: be transparent.

Speaking of past transgressions, wasn't it funny how we were always encouraged not to discuss past transgressions? I never followed that advice, and certainly now is not the time to start. Get ready for all the juicy sins that I am about to lay forth.

But first, a note on transparency. Last night I had an extremely sexual dream about one of the guys in my cast who happens to be straight, and who is not someone I am consciously attracted to. Today when I saw him I felt so... I don't know, INTIMATE, with him because of my subconscious corporeal union with him, that I just had to tell him about it. I did it in front of the whole dressing room.. WHY? Because I can't help it. I'd rather be embarrassed than hide something. I told you: transparent.

Back in the ancient past when I was the wee age of 15, the sexual revolution inside my body was in full swing. As a good mormon in the teachers quorum, there wasn't a lot of permissible activities associated with human sexuality. I had never masturbated in my life, in fact I didn't really know how to do it, and I had never experienced an orgasm. But I sure knew that there was something spicy brewing inside my body.

One day in a shopping mall book store, I discovered a stack of Playgirl magazines in the lower cubby of a small waist level shelf adjacent to the magazine rack. Just seeing the shirtless guy on the cover sent a cocktail of emotions rushing wildly through my entire body, and sent a lot of blood rushing directly to my, well, cocktail. Sitting on the floor indian style, and as subtly as an em-boner-ed teen could, I quietly leafed through the magazine without blinking, only turning my attention back to the bookshelf when I felt someone near me. Then I realized that if I positioned "Better Homes and Gardens" right in front of me, but had the forbidden fruit behind out of sight, I could just look at the pictures and read the magazine without too much risk. Over the course of the next year, things escalated, just like my priesthood leaders said they would.

In mormon culture, porn is really bad. I mean, marriages end because a man looks at porn. Families are shattered and hopes are dashed by those pictures, images, and sounds that are now so readily available. My priesthood leaders and my parents all seemed to share the same idea that pretty much all bad things start with porn. As an example, I remember once hearing someone say that somebody had been interviewed on death row. He had killed a bunch of people. When asked how his history of violence was born, he said that it all started with his first porn magazine. First it was just naked women, then he moved on to videos, then to videos featuring S&M, domination, then onto more violent porn, and of course after that he acted it all out. Porn made him the killer he is today, and now he's going to be hung for it, or shot at close range if he was in Utah. Looking at porn for a young man like me was a way of inviting all the evils of the world to take over my life. But I just couldn't help it. My curiosity and sexuality were too strong to resist.

Let me now explain the escalation I referred to just a moment ago. After simply looking at the magazines, I felt I needed to take something home with me so I could experience these feelings in more private quarters. So I started tearing out pages as quietly as I could, and folding them up and stuffing them in my pants pockets. Eventually it got to the point where I would just stuff the entire magazine into the top/front of my pants, cover the remainder of the magazine with my shirt, and then stroll out with a flushed, forced nonchalant expression on my face that I can only imagine now. Sometimes when I would get home, I would feel so guilty that I would just rush back to the mall and replace it. Once or twice I even left 20 dollars on the counter while the clerk was helping someone else just to try and satisfy my horrible guilt.

I remember once I kept a Playgirl for a few weeks and hid it.. WHERE? You guessed it! Under my mattress. I know. Real ORIGINAL. I kept having these nightmares that my mom might find it while changing my sheets, but I never moved it because I just didn't know where else to put it. Well one day I came home from school and the magazine was gone. GONE! I can't describe how panicked I felt, so I am just going to ask you to imagine. My world felt like it was crumbling. I may have been a professional bullshitter in English class writing about the theme of Heart of Darkness, but I knew I could never talk my way out of this. I was certain my mom had found it. I didn't know what to do next.

I walked down to see my mom, and to my further horror, she was acting COMPLETELY normal. This was either the most subtle attempt at a confession I had ever seen, or she was just not wanting to talk about it. Deciding that she knew but was choosing to just let it be, I slowly just allowed it to slip quietly into my private history. The truth of what happened to that stolen Playgirl never crossed my mind, and I would not find out about that until 8 years later. (I'm not making this up!!)

One Christmas break, my older brother Stuart, my younger brother Guy, and I were all taking a gentle stroll down memory lane. By now I am out to everyone in my family, and all my siblings are very comfortable with me being gay. "Hey Stuart, remember that time we burned Clark's playgirl in the parking lot of Doerre?" (a nearby jr. high school). "WHAT!?" I screamed. In truth I hadn't thought about that for so long, but suddenly all my fear and horror about my mom finding it now flooded back into my brain. "Yeah. We found it under your mattress because we thought you might be gay, so we searched through your room. When we found it we didn't know what to do, so we just burned it."

Ok let me just pause for a moment and do this justice. My poor brothers, 17 and 13 years old, burning their closeted brother's gay rag. I can't imagine what they must've felt, and how strangely righteous it probably felt for them to burn that wickedness into flames. Gay porn is obviously so much more reviling than the straight porn Stuart had been watching for the last 3 years. But I think more than judgement they were trying to protect me from something so alien to them.

We just laughed our heads off after that, felt even more bonded to one another. Of course. Transparency does that to you. Its a possible side effect, so check with your doctor before taking Transparency. Other side effects include but are not limited to, serious rash, explosive diarrhea, cold sweats, nausea, vomiting, and of course, utter and abandoned vulnerability. (say the last sentence really fast.. its the fine print or the last 5 seconds of the TV commercial they hope you won't notice).

So I guess I have to add thief to my list of odd jobs. I probably stole a total of 8-10 magazines during that period of my life. I had never stolen anything before that, and I have never stolen anything since. If I had to do this the mormon way, I would probably pull out the five Rs of Repentance just to make sure I have covered all my bases.

Recognition: Wow I totally stole. Stealing is wrong. Stealing a Playgirl, priceless.
Remorse: I feel terrible about stealing that magazine, well, excited and terrible.
Restitution: Should I send some of my babysitting earnings to the Playgirl to pay them back? I hope they pay tithing on this!
Reformation: When I turn 18 I'll be able to stop stealing these and I guess I'll just commit a different sin and buy them.
Resolution: I'm gay.

As a final note, I would like to say that while I take an extremely Swiss stance on porn, I must decisively declare that porn has not made me become a murderer or a rapist. It just hasn't and so I guess the Mythbusters don't need to come in on this one. That myth is officially busted as far as I'm concerned. But I give you leave to hate or love porn as your heart desires. Like so many things in the world, you have to choose what you think is best for you. Take my advice, though, if you want to enjoy porn. Pay for yours. Stealing porn not only makes for a demeaning activity, it also makes for a truly mediocre blog post.

And for my final selection: Why did I sit down at 2 am and write this? I don't know. I just have to bear my nakedness to the world. It's my M.O. It's the song I can't get out of my head. It's me.

A Golden Reminder

2009-03-12T23:47:00.001-07:00

I saw this on someone else's blog and I just had to steal it. I absolutely love this saying and this graphic that goes with it. Could any idea be more poignant and universal than the golden rule? And could any rule so well known be so ignored by so many because of other rules they would rather obey?

People, Money, and Things

2009-03-11T10:04:00.001-07:00

I watch the Suze Orman Show on CNBC every week. I love it. Hearing about people's lives as it relates to money is fascinating to me, and Suze is both a financial advisor and a sage advocate of human progress and happiness. One of the things I have learned from Suze is that the way people tend to run their financial lives is normally very similar to the way they run their emotional lives. If their finances are in chaos, so are their relationships. If they are honest about their financial lives, and live within their means, they tend to be honest and straightforward in other capacities. If they are stingy and greedy, they tend to be stingy and greedy with love as well. Every week Suze ends the show with this saying: "People first, then money, then things." I think most people if they had to say what is more important would probably put people first in the list as well, though I don't think many people do it. What I think is interesting is that money comes before things. A lot of times while growing up I felt that the objects in our house were worth more than I was, in fact worth even more than the money spent to buy them. I felt very guilty when I got careless and broke a glass or a plate. I even went through this phase where I tried not to spend any of my parents' money. I never asked for anything extra, no treats, no presents, nothing. In the midst of this attempt to get a martyrish sort of attention from my parents, I badly twisted my ankle. I remember my mom having to write a check for 20 dollars to rent the crutches. I made a huge fuss about how I didn't want the crutches because I didn't want my mom to spend any money on me. She stared me right in the face and said, "listen! I am your mother and I am going to take care of you and I sometimes that costs money!" Later, when I was 16, my dad bought me a $2000 Oldsmobile (boat), and 3 months later I got into an accident and totaled it. (ran into a coral reef-- j/k) After I realized that the car was totaled, I remember thinking that I would have rather died than wreck that car. I literally thought that. I CAN'T BELIEVE I thought I was worth less than 2000 dollars. It boggles my mind now, but I remember clearly feeling that way and crying inconsolably when my parents arrived at the scene.

Money is big for people. People sometimes use money, and their things to feel a certain way, to change their mood, or to define themselves. People saddle themselves with debt in order to live a lifestyle that they cannot afford. They literally agree to live a lie to have a life that they really shouldn't have. Nothing would be wrong with having less stuff, or a more affordable home, they've just decided that something IS wrong with not having that stuff and that home, so they get it even if they can't afford it. Suze started the year by telling people that in these tough financial times, the best thing we can all do is tell the truth about who we are financially. I loved that. She even made the audience on the Oprah Show all stand up and say how much debt they all had, and she also calculated the debt of the entire audience, which was a whopping number. It was a really powerful lesson about being honest about who you are, financially and otherwise.

On the topic of honesty and being who you are, this recent academy awards ceremony was particularly moving to me. With Dustin Lance Black, the ex-mormon screenwriter of Milk, winning an oscar and giving a powerful speech about civil rights and progress for all people, and then Sean Penn winning for best actor and giving another wonderful speech along those lines, its been a big year for "being who you are." On valentines day, Suze gave shared this message on her show. It's worth posting here.

I hope we will all be who we are this year more than ever. That we will allow ourselves to thrive in the light of day, letting the TRUTH bathe our very bodies and minds. I hope that with our money, we will tell the truth about who we are, and not use currency to spin a sticky dangerous web that it will be difficult from which to extricate ourselves. We have the power to tell the truth, and with that truth we have the power to live in our bliss starting today.

I cry a little

2009-03-07T23:47:00.001-08:00

My brother Zane has recently removed his name from the church records. Its been a hard road for him finding his identity within the church, and he is now searching in other ideologies for something he can connect to. He is doing really well lately; discovering a new sense of purpose and meaning outside of the Mormon paradigm. I am a firm believer that it doesn't matter what you believe in as long as what you believe helps you to connect in a positive way to your existence on earth. He seems wide open now, not depressed as he has been for some time. I am so proud of the progress he is making toward LIVING. His life now seems like a world of possibility and opportunity. Yesterday he left me this voice message:

"Hey Clark, I wanted to call because I just watched Milk and I really liked it. It was touching, tragic, and interesting. One of the things I thought was especially interesting was how he encouraged everyone to be out, and I thought that was interesting because it applies to my life. I just wanted to thank you for being out and for being a great person, and for saving most everyone in our family from being bigoted homophobes. Otherwise I think our family would be buying into the way Christianity or Mormon doctrine would consider homosexuality that its really wrong or really disgusting and that kind of thing. So I really appreciate that your a great person, and that you're gay, so that you could teach us something. I'll talk to you soon, bye."

You can imagine how I felt getting that message from him. To feel like my honesty and my choice to be who I am is something that benefited him and in his opinion, my family as well, just made me feel so much gratitude. My brother Zane is such a gifted and intelligent person, and I feel so blessed to be connected to him. The painting I have as my blog header is his. He painted it in 2005 and in case you didn't notice it, he painted me as the subject. I think he entitled it, "Finding his center". I still am Zane. Aren't we all? What a blessing it is to be sharing that opportunity.

Another Rachel Maddow Moment

2009-03-07T23:45:00.000-08:00

When I posted the video below this one, I didn't even know who Rachel Maddow is, but now I know so much more about her, and you can too!!! Enjoy. I am so happy that she is out and proud.

What's going on with the prop 8 debate in California?

2009-03-05T22:43:00.000-08:00

Here you go.

Life via the Bachelor

2009-03-02T23:57:00.000-08:00

Ever since I can remember, people have always talked to me about their relationships. Even as early as Jr. High school, girls would come and talk to me about their boyfriends-- mostly when they were unhappy and wanted things from their relationships that they were not getting. Consequently, I have thought more about relationships in my life than one would assume, looking at the fact that until 3 years ago, I was never really in one. As I have pondered the high divorce rate in modern times, the way people move in and out of marriages, I have always questioned WHY. Is the era in which we are living truly so different from the good ol' days when the majority of people stayed married until the day they died? Were those people who stayed married actually happier in their marriages than people are now? Or is it perhaps that people just stayed married to keep the status quo intact even if they were miserable?

In most cultures throughout civilization, marriage was a contract; an exchange of property so to speak. It could be a way to unite 2 families so that both could be more wealthy and influential. It could also be a way for a family to grow in political power, for instance if a family is able to marry off one of their daughters to a high ranking official or even a king. In more common instances, a bride was given in exchange for property, on in other cultures, given ALONG with a dowry so that there would be more incentive to marry. From the infamous 8 cow wife of Johnny Lingo to the heroines of Austen's novels, women have often been the currency of life: the trading and bartering of daughters and wives provided for the continuation of society at its most refined. And when it came to arranging a match, FEELINGS, EMOTIONS, or FALLING IN LOVE with someone were of absolutely no importance to the outcome.

The reason I wrote those words all in caps is because those are the big catch phrases that are tossed around like butter in hot pan on every single season of the bachelor. Constantine and I watch the bachelor as our guilty pleasure. You're judging me. I know. We just love how involved these people seem to get with this "chance to find their soulmate" over the six week filming period. Lives go up in smoke!!! We sometimes joke about how those words are always being used regardless of who is talking. The other day Constantine posted this on my wall-- it was him writing down all the generic words one of the bachelor girls was saying in a confessional:

Feelings. Emotions. Falling for. Connection. Genuine. Hometown date. Rose. Relationship. Ty. Torn between. Sweet. Proposal. Getting serious. Confused. Final. Hot tub. Group dates. Romantic connection. Seattle. First impression. One-on-one. I think I am falling in love with. Another level. Care about. Affectionate. Let down guard. Walls. Scared. Nervous. Pick. Reality. This situation. Want to be with you. I REALLY think I'm falling in love with you. Open up.

I laughed really hard when I read this. Thats the bachelor in a nutshell. It's every relationship cliche squeezed into an hour of primetime TV. But on closer observation, this is probably almost every relationship in a nutshell. Now that we don't have arranged marriages (for the most part), people expect to be happy in marriage, especially since they were the ones to choose their partner! As a form of social control, marriage was probably a lot more "successful" when people didn't expect to be happy in marriage, because if they ended up happy it was a bonus, and if they were miserable, well what else can they expect when they were forced to marry someone they didn't know or love. If you didn't get to choose your husband, then what right do you have to divorce him just because you don't like being married to him? But today with all of us choosing our partners ourselves, why are we so often unable to choose someone who will continue to make us happy throughout our lives? Why are we often feeling trapped and detached from our lives within a couple of years? Whats going on?

I started thinking about this even more earnestly than usual because tonight I watched the 2 hour Bachelor Finale, and then the 1 hour "after the final rose" special. In the finale, Jason, the bachelor, chooses between the 2 girls, and sends the one he didn't choose straight to that limo in tears. Then in the subsequent special, he reveals that he isn't in love with the girl he chose, instead he wants to be with the other one. Yet in the finale that I watched just moments before, he seemed so sure that he was picking the right girl. To quote Wyatt-- "You guys. Whats up with life?!?"
Sometimes doesn't it seem like were all just grasping at straws or bobbing for apples when we choose a partner? We think we want and need one thing, only to find out that we REALLY needed something else in order to be happy.

Frankly I'm glad the divorce rate is high. You know why? It tells me that people are not staying in marriages that make them unhappy. I don't know what it is like inside the heart of each one of the marriages that ended. But I can assume that by ending them people are trying to pursue their bliss, and that they are trying to progress and move forward. Sure, maybe Jason looks like he has NO idea what he needs in a woman by choosing one and then months later changing his mind. But so what. We don't always know what we need at the moment in which we have to choose. We just do our best with the information we have and if it's wrong then we break up, we divorce, and we move forward. Additionally, as a society, we are new to choosing our own spouse. We should cut ourselves some slack.

This is what I personally believe about marriage. I think it has taken on a VERY different role in today's world and in our country. People in America usually aren't married anymore to unite families, or to secure powerful positions, and thankfully, women are no longer considered property by most. People are getting married because they think it will add to their personal happiness. Marriage means I love you and I want to be with you. Marriage means I want to share my life with you and for most people, it also means I want to build a family with you. To stay in a marriage or a relationship that is not making us happy does nothing for anyone. If the institution of marriage were a person, maybe it would get its feelings hurt to know that sometimes people don't choose to stay married. But its not a person. So why as a culture are so many people concerned with the high divorce rate? I think its better to stay focused on having the necessary self knowledge and experience to choose wonderfully fulfilling relationships. In order to gain that knowledge and experience, we have to sometimes try and see what does and does not work. If you can't really live with someone without getting married because of your religion or your family script, then there's a good chance that in your road to understanding what you need in a partner, there may be a few breakups. If you got married, then those breakups are called divorce.

Instead of worrying, lets all be like Jason, who is already a divorcee as well as a father. Lets keep shamelessly making those mistakes until we choose the person that not only makes our life happier than it was without them, but who also inspires us to be the most loving and caring person we can possibly be.

And you thought there was no substance in reality TV. Now I'm judging you.

A Tar-ry Reminder

2009-02-27T10:11:00.001-08:00

Lately I have been really living my life. I mean full out. I think because I have a VERY dear friend who is in my same company I just have someone there at all times who I can play with and joke with and laugh with at any given moment. So I've been at my most unleashed lately. I just kind of say what I am thinking and usually a lot of people think its pretty funny. But yesterday I had a moment where it didn't pay off. I was talking with the hair supervisor about getting a haircut, and he told me that he would have loved to help me then, but he had to do an annoying double color treatment on one of the other chorus boys in the cast. This particular boy has fully bleached out platinum Brigitte Nielson hair. I mean just Abba Gold hair. It actually looked cute on him, because he has the personality to match it.. larger than life. So, pretty soon the hair guy starts talking a little trash about this guy's look, "'I mean that hair! Thats one of those moments where you're like, HONEY where was your momma to tell you NOT to do that!" I just chucked and said, "right?" on my way out the door and lo and behold that platinum hair was just staring me in the face. I froze and said to myself, OH NO. I can't believe I participated in that conversation. True, I didn't say the mean thing, but I didn't disagree with the mean thing. He was on his phone, so I wasn't positive that he had heard it. But I literally spent the entire evening feeling bad, and thinking about this poster:

Its a solemn reminder to all of us. Watch out for people passing tar your way. It could be hot, and before you know it you could have dirty fingernails. If you see some hands right next to your hands with tar in them, don't keep your hands there! Oh yeah, and there could also be feathers, which would be REALLY bad. But seriously though, knowing that what I said or didn't say really hurt someone's feelings made me so sad and so ashamed of myself. I spent the entire evening unable to shake the feeling that I had willingly hurt another person. That is SO against what I want to be that it just made me feel terrible.

The next day I walked into work wholly prepared to apologize profusely for being a part of that conversation. I was determined to make things right and take responsibility for my behavior. But he walked right up to me and started chatting with me, which told me that he had NOT heard the comment at all. I decided it would be worse at that point to apologize then to just let it go and allow it to be a lesson to me only. I guess I needed to remember that even if I'm living my life without filtering what I say, I need to remember not to participate in anything that could be hurtful to anyone if overheard. Easy? NO. Important? Vital.

"I want to be kind to everyone, for that is right, you see. So I say to myself remember this: kindness begins with me."

Staring upward

2009-02-24T10:05:00.000-08:00

I should really be leaving my house right now to run some errands before our second day of tech rehearsal, but I wanted to share something first. Yesterday I was thinking about my very first tech rehearsal ever, which was a production of "The Secret Garden" at BYU deJong Theater. I remember that my part in the show was so ridiculously small.. I played some dead ancestor that only came back to life to do some backstage singing and move around these big pillars that they used to create the mazes of the garden and the house where Mary Lennox ends up after her parents die of Cholera/Fire in India. Even though I had 0 stage time and everyone else in the chorus was complaining about that, I was just thrilled to be there. I remember laying around on the stage while the lighting designer was trying to get a cue right, and just staring up into the rafters above the stage. Seeing all the lights and just being in a dark theater in the middle of the day just felt so right to me. As I look back on that feeling, I think it just felt so familiar to me, like I had been there before, and that this is where I belonged. Continuing to pursue theater was truly accidental. I didn't try to be an actor. It just sort of happened to me. To this day, though they are tedious, I love tech rehearsals. I love being in that magical place where you get to create a feeling; a mood. I love knowing that soon our little creation will be something that we will share with thousands of people. And we hope that they will love it as much as we do.

3rd Grade

2009-02-21T06:59:00.000-08:00

We moved around a lot when I was young. I was born in Los Angeles, moved to Texas at 2, moved to Wyoming at 3, and then to Southern Illinois (Carlinville to be exact) when I was 8. My first day of 3rd grade in the new school was of course a bit scary. Not only did I not know anyone of course, but now it was really starting to matter. By 3rd grade cliques are already forming, friendships are budding, and in Carlinville, people are meeting the people that they will one day marry. The majority of my graduating class in C'ville found their spouse among the other constituents of our high school. I obviously didn't, but my best friend Ashish did. Ashish was the first person to come up and talk to me in Mrs. Priest's 3rd grade class. It might have even been on the first day of school. We became instant friends. We started have sleepovers soon after that on the weekends, jumping on the trampoline at our house, making home movies, playing games, and just being kids. Ashish and I were also pretty nerdy. We always did well on tests, did our homework and in Junior High we were both star players on the scholastic bowl team. The other interesting thing about Ashish is that his family believed and practiced Hinduism. In their basement they had a Puja room, which I was never allowed to enter, but which greatly intrigued me. Ashish would go in there sometimes to pray, and his dad would go in there almost every day. He taught me a lot about his religion and I taught him about mine. I was very interested in his beliefs, but of course I knew that I had the truth so I never though of exploring his religion beyond a curious interest. Ashish and I remained close friends until my dad was finally transferred back to Houston when I was nearly 16. After we both went college, I went on my mission and moved to new york, Ashish married a lovely girl who was a year younger than us in school, Jessica, he finished med. school, went to the Mayo clinic to do his residency, then do a fellowship in St. Louis. Over all those years, we have hardly spoken on the phone, but when we have he would always ask if I was married, ask about my life etc. Since I wasn't ever sure I would have ever sit down with him again, I just never felt to come out to him. Until this week. Ashish and his wife Jessica (I found this out because she is an AVID facebook user) came to Chicago this week because Ashish is doing another year of training, and the program he wants is in Chicago! So on Thursday night of this week I sat down with him, his wife, and another friend from Carlinville, Brad, who also happens to live here (again Facebook is how he and I found each other). We had a 3 1/2 hour dinner together! It was so enjoyable. The people that they have become are exactly like the people I knew and loved growing up. It was crazy! I finally had a chance to explain everything about my sexuality and the changes that have taken place in my life. Ashish said to me, "wow you really are exactly the same as I remember". I told him that I felt the same way about him. Both Ashish and Brad have families and have 2 children each. What a wonderful moment to spend with old old friends and be able to reminisce about the past with people who were really there. We had so many fun stories to share with one another, and we laughed a lot. 3 1/2 hour dinner! That says it all. As I walked home I felt so good about life and the people we get to share our lives with. Its such a tender blessing to have friends, and its even better when people are just here to love and embrace one another and make this walk of life a richer place for everyone who they meet.

Love, or el amor, depending

2009-02-13T20:53:00.000-08:00

Ever since I saw my first episode, I have been hooked on Ugly Betty. I love stories about underdogs, people who have so much to offer but who are not given the chance to reach their potential because of societal barriers or other roadblocks. Because I didn't see the very first episodes of Ugly Betty, I am not sure how they set up the story and character of Betty. I have always thought I should probably go back and watch those first episodes, just to see if there is anything important I missed.

Recently I was setting up my new DVR in Chicago, and I stumbled upon "Betty la fea", the original Colombian series which inspired Selma Hayek to produce the US incarnation. I was also fortunate enough to land on the very first episode! I guess I got what I asked for, slightly modified. As a side note, I find it fascinating that both Ugly Bettys are absolutely beautiful in real life. There is already meaning in that alone I think. Anyway, after watching the show all week, I am absolutely hooked on THIS one too. In fact, Thursday night I watched Ugly Betty, and then (even though I had many other programs on my DVR) I went right on to Betty la fea. Not only is it a MARVELOUS way for me to keep up with my spanish, its also just really good. Of course these tele-novelas are very dramatic. Whenever you land on them you kind of shudder at the over the top acting. However, I am starting to see it now more like a genre of its own, and I think the good novelas, though emotions are severely heightened, have a lot of heart as well as relevance. In the US version, Betty is VERY committed to her boss, Daniel. I have never fully understood why she is always seeming to bend over backwards to get him out of all the awkward situations he gets himself into, especially considering he never seems to fully appreciate her help. In tonight's episode of "la fea", after saving her boss from a scandal and earning his trust, Betty is stood up by some neighborhood boys who asked her out as a joke. Broken-hearted, she writes in her journal, "De nuevo la vida me dice que el amor no es para mi, que es un sentimiento que tengo que enterrar. Nadie me va a dar la oportunidad de demostrar cuanto puedo amar. El motor de mi vida tiene que ser el trabajo. Es lo unico que me puede salvar. Y trabajar para el. Ser su sombra y su aliento. Ese es el motivo de vivir." (Once again life has shown that love is not for me, that love is a feeling I ought to bury. No one will give me the opportunity to show how much I love I have inside. The driving force of my life must now be work. That's the only thing that can save me.. and working for him (Daniel her boss). I'll be his refuge and his comfort. This is my life's purpose now.)

I was almost taken back by how suddenly invested I felt in this character. What started as a spanish lesson had turned into something more significant. Ok, I admit it. I cried while watching a spanish tele-novela. There I said it. It just makes me sad to feel that there are people out there who think that because they do not look a certain way, that they can't have love. I want to challenge that idea. I don't think that work or some other obsession can or should take the place of love. There are so many places in this world where we can find love, and we need to search for that love in order to thrive as human beings. In the times when we are not in a place to share romantic love, we can partake of other kinds of love-- love to family members, friends, even strangers. Sometimes actually getting the love is not as important as that search for greater love, outside of ourselves, and of course within as well. "Love's a fake, love's a fable.. just a painting on a ceiling, just a children's fairy tale-- STILL YOU HAVE TO LOOK AND LOOK AND LOOK AND LOOK..." (the Light in the Piazza) For when you look, you find. That's how it is.

I am excited to see Betty la fea take her journey toward love. She is just starting to discover it; to see what a risk it is to try, and why we should never give up on it. EVER.

Have you heard the news?

2009-02-12T14:31:00.000-08:00

Joaquin Phoenix is retiring from acting. His new career is Drugs -- I mean Hip Hop.
"why are you laughing at me?" The interviewer can barely hold it together.

This is him on Letterman last night. The interview is so strange and bizarre. At first it seems like J. is just playing for laughs but it then it becomes clearly evident that Joaquin is NOT in on the joke. Again the audience starts to laugh just like the reporter in the previous clip when he mentions hip-hop/rap. Other highlights: J putting his gum under Dave's desk, then taking it back just before the clip from his new movie begins. And of course the final quip, "Joaquin, I'm sorry you couldn't be here tonight." Wow. Any guesses as to what drug he is on?

As a sidenote? Have you seen the clip of him rapping? His new career is already underway. I've heard better from Vanilla Ice impersonators in malls.

This is a good lesson for all of us childrenz. Say no to drogas perjudiciales; that's harmful drugs if you're nasty.

Don't Lose Hope--BYU Has the Answer

2009-02-12T07:41:00.000-08:00

I still get Alumni emails, magazines etc. from BYU. I am also on a few other email lists for the Dance Dept. etc, and sometimes I just get a fair amount of entertainment from the culture of mormonism. Recently the dance division at the Y was having an alumni meeting and the theme was like, "dancing and doctrines," or maybe "doctrines in motion" or something else like that. It is just SO funny and amazing to me. Anyway this morning, I got another email from the alumni association, and I thought I'd share this gem with you. First of all, I can just see some BYU alum struggling at home and just knowing that he is going to find the answers from BYU. Second of all, there was a picture of a black guy next to this article! They just never cease to impress. Its about doing a being prepared to give a good job interview. Enjoy!

Practice rehearsed spontaneity
While this seems to be a contradiction of terms, it means that you prepare for an interview as much as you can even practicing certain answers to commonly asked questions. When you are asked a question you know the answer to, be sure you seem spontaneous with your reply. How? Don't answer immediately, but take a few breaths and answer slowly. This will buy you a little time when you do get that difficult question where you really do have to take a little time.

Is it just me or is this similar to the part in Pride and Prejudice when Mr. Collins is talking about giving compliments to ladies?

Its my birthday

2009-02-09T22:09:00.001-08:00

I am 32 kids. 32 candles, 32 spankings, 32 minutes.. but me? I measure my life in Love. Thanks for being a part of that.

guess that celeb in drag

2009-02-08T00:06:00.001-08:00

I'll give you a hint. He is British. He played opposite Julia Roberts in Closer. He was in a wheelchair in Gattaca. Did I give it away? If you don't know, find out here.

This is seriously amazing

2009-02-06T23:00:00.001-08:00

This is a hugely viral video-- it has 4 million views. You'll see why.

Courage Campaign

2009-02-05T20:47:00.000-08:00

A while ago the Courage Campaign asked for photos, videos and stories of gay marriages for this video which was recently released. I think it is incredible to see the faces of people who are affected by the potential effects of proposition 8 in California. The jury is still out on whether the same sex marriages performed in california prior to the passage of prop 8 will stand or be nullified.

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

If that doesn't break your heart...

The silver team goes down in flames

2009-02-05T16:16:00.000-08:00

First let me say that this is the first time I have watched a season of the biggest loser but I am obsessed with it. Particularly with the "silver team" who just got eliminated this week. Ok, just to lay this out for you, in the first video usually the couple talks about how this experience brought them closer together, and the music is all positive and upbeat but what they are saying is SOO not. It's a pretty brilliant juxtaposition. Joelle's face kills me! She is the one on the left. Favorite quote from this is after Carla accuses her of not working hard enough and says all the work she did made her lose 0 pounds, and joelle, desperate for a retort comes up with, "You know? It may lead to 0." Brilliant!

In case you are curious, Fakin the funk means this:

when an indidvidual doesn't show his or her's true personality, individual fails to keep it real

OR

When an upper or middle class person suddenly becomes hard around the presence of colored or lower class individuals.

-- courtesy Urban Dictionary (spelling and punctuation kept in tact)

Apparently after not seeing each other since leaving, Carla and Joelle have a reunion. Its definitely worth the 2 minutes. Trust me.

A faith demoting story

2009-02-04T19:07:00.001-08:00

Ok so I was walking home from work today and I decided to take a quick walk toward lake Michigan just to take in the brisk air coming in off of the water. As I was standing on the shore, I heard a rustling at my feet. I looked down and froze in my steps, because there was a rattlesnake right there. I was just starting to slowly move away, when the snake began to speak. "Can you help me" the snake pleaded. Its so cold here. I am old and dying, and all I want to do is have one more margarita in Boys Town." Completely put off by this troll snake I spat back, "First of all, QUEEN, you are way too old and scaly to hang out with me. I have the common sense to use moisturizer, and the common sense to not get stranded somewhere on the shore of one of the Great Lakes. Secondly, you are a snake! If I even pick you up I know you will bite me and kick my A to the curb at your first opportunity. So basically, NO. I won't help you. I suggest you find a leather bar somewhere closer and live out the rest of your days with your own kind." The snake slyly retorted, "No I swear I am not like that. I just tots need to get to boys town and I promise I will not bite you. Just take me Britney Spears 'Slave for you' style up past Lincoln Park and just drop me off at the corner. I'll manage from there." Well, I guess I was weak. I felt bad for the old betch. I guess I gave in to peer pressure. I picked that reptile up and started walking.

As we walked the snake was so chatty cathy! It was really annoying. He kept name dropping, "Oh I totally lived next door to Brangelina for 6 months before I came here. Oh me and the Olson twins tots designed this really fierce vintage crop top a while ago but we had a falling out.. over post-its LOLOLOL." Ug. So obnoxious. Matters got worse when he DEMANDED we stop at Starbucks so he could get a warm drink. He was SO rude to the barista demanding specifically a 7 pump non-fat chai latte extra hot. He made that poor girl make it 3 times and was finally satisfied when she burst into tears. I thought to myself this is IT I'm never picking up a gay snake AGAIN!

Finally, just as I was approaching the bar that Snakezoid wanted to go to, he coiled back and bit me right in the areola! It hurt so much that I just cried out in my falsetto, "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?! You swore you wouldn't bite me. You skanky skanky tramp!" The snake just slithered away, and after a moment turned back, flipped his weave over his shoulder and said, "You knew what I was when you picked me up." I screamed back, "Yeah I did you F'ing snake! Now wait up I'm going with you! I had no idea you were into biting or I would have invited myself sooner."

And with that, the snake and I rode off into the sunset together and got married in Connecticut.

The End.

Political Cartoon incoming

2009-02-03T06:50:00.001-08:00

Click on it to see it full size.

Speaks for itself

2009-02-02T22:25:00.000-08:00

Ix-nay on the icrowave-may!

2009-02-02T07:22:00.000-08:00

You know those TV dinners you find in the freezer section of your local grocery store? Well 3 years ago I barely knew they existed. Growing up we never ever encountered them in my home, and in the nearly 12 years after leaving the nest I had hardly eaten a single one of the microwave "meals in a box." Well that's not exactly true. I do remember this one time, (at band camp) at Food 4 Less (which apparently is not there any more) in Provo my roommate and I found some microwave dinners at about 25 cents each or something ridiculous. So Timmy and I bought about 40 of them and packed our freezer full. I think after eating them for a solid month I never even looked at those boxes again, that is until I met Constantine.

Constantine eats what I call a modified Amer-iterranean diet. Amer because there is a cookie or Fro-Yo after almost every meal, iterranean because there is often Hummus but ALWAYS plain yoghurt on top of everything and of course ample EVOO, and modified because he literally cooks everything in the microwave. ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. His stove, which is in perfect working order, has never once been turned on. In fact, it is unplugged and full of copies of the New Yorker that he has not yet gotten around to reading. There might also be a stray copy of In Style or Us in there, but I can't say for sure. GWYNETH WORE WHAT?! OMG!

The first few times we ate together I was really surprised at how effectively he used that microwave. That kid can cook anything in there. And though he is creative with the machine, for the most part he sticks to the basics: meals in a box and the occasional can of soup. Since I was in college, the quality of these meals has definitely gone up. Of course, so has the price. My favorite TV dinner is the Kashi Southwest Style Chicken. Kashi also has some other great ones, but they usually run about 5 dollars a box. They have great ingredients, but they are only about 250 calories per box, which for me means I should probably eat about 3 boxes for dinner in order to keep my manly physiche (squeal). Wait 15 dollars for a dinner? I might as well go out to dinner! Wait do I really want to afford 10-15 dollars for dinner every night? This is NOT the way I was raised people!

So, ever since I arrived in Chicago I have vowed that I will not buy a single TV dinner. My first trip to the grocery store was a little bit confusing. I kind of forgot you can make other stuff. 1 week later, I find myself very contented with my progress. I remember now what I used to eat before the ameriterranean MODIFIED diet took hold of my heart. And if my calculations are correct, I have probably spent on average $2.50 per meal. And that includes swimmin'.

YES JUDGE JUDY!!!

2009-02-01T08:32:00.001-08:00

I love the stance this iconic woman takes on the passage of prop 8 in California. She also talks about the recent passage of Arkansas law allowing only hetero couples to adopt. I like the way she shares her view. She seems tolerant yet passionate. YOU TELL 'EM JUDGE JUDY!

I don't mean to be a bitchy gay but..

2009-01-31T23:23:00.000-08:00

Really girls? Eat a burger. Doesn't their hair look like it is falling out? I actually love Rachel Zoe's show. Its really good. This is just a lot to handle!!

Living for Friends

2009-01-31T16:35:00.001-08:00

Normally when a new show starts the rehearsal process, there is always a period where you don't really know anyone and so everyone is forming first impressions, putting their best foot forward, and trying to find out who will be their new besty, their showmance, their fierce hookup, WHATEVER. When I first joined the BIZ I would always feel totally frantic the first few days of rehearsal because I was desperate to make everyone like me. I would make my way through the cast winning people over one by one. A few people in my first casts noticed this and once they got to know me better, they would sort of call me on it. I remember one guy I became good friends with at Gateway playhouse said to me-- "WOW you had an inside joke with literally everyone in the cast within 3 days. That's kind of too much." It might seem all fine and good at first glance, the only problem is that I was giving everyone besty energy at the same time. Sometimes gay boys mistook my overzealous-friendliness for romantic preference. I had a particularly awkward moment with this guy in my 42nd Street Moscow cast. He literally came in to kiss me this one night after we watched some funny videos and went through our russian flashcards. I was like WTF is happening right now!!? I was totally cornered so I just leaned away and pretended I was reaching for my plastic cup full of diet coke. I actually think I said, "ummm I need to get my diet coke" as I ducked his surprising advances. Talk about tots awks. He then complained to everyone in the cast that I had led him on. Good times. The other huge problem with giving unilateral besty energy is that people expect you (appropriately) to sustain it! And trust me, you can't sustain it with everyone. So you just end up becoming a huge flake.

I changed my ways after a couple of years. I learned to hold myself back: to remember that I didn't have to win everyone's approval to be a valid human being, and instead just be kind and warm to people. I learned to wait until natural connections formed with people, and then I was able to sustain the different levels of intimacy I earned with different people.

This time, I am going into the show with some VERY dear friends, so I have been able to bypass all that "I don't know anyone yet" stuff. My dear friends Tia (who I have known since 1998 and who I just worked with last year in HSM) and Eddy/Troy (who I worked with in 1999 at Tuacahn) are both in the cast. There are also several other people I have worked with in the past as well. It just makes such a difference to have people in the room that you love and know and who are tried and true friends. Tia and I were L-I-V-I-N-G all day today at our rehearsal. It was literally like YA days. We were just laughing our heads off and paying just enough attention to not get in trouble. We are both signing in everyday with YQ (yes queen) instead of our initials. I doubt anyone will notice but everyday when I see all those YQs in a line I can't help but smile. We are just so happy and having so much fun. We even had a lunch date at a Thai place just below our rehearsal space. We laughed our heads off the whole time. We had Thai iced coffee. We were hyper the rest of the day and had even more fun.

Is there anything better than fun friends?

YAY

2009-01-31T15:04:00.000-08:00

I'm back online. Oh my gosh I feel so complete now. Just go ahead and put the mark of the beast in my wrist or in my forehead or wherever they said its supposed to go. I just want to be on the internet all the time. Before I left for Chicago I was helping Constantine while he recovered from an adult Tonsillectomy-- a very painful surgery. He was on pain killers a lot of the time and so I was basically online as much as he was loopy. By the time he started feeling better, I was still online a lot at his apartment, and he was SOOO over me being basically attached to my laptop. I started to feel like that asian american couple on greys anatomy where the wife permanently lost her voice so she was just typing online all the time. Well, somehow they thought of a really dramatic way to give her a chance to speak again, but after the surgery she is scared to try and starts doing what she knows.. typing again. Her husband is like BITCH NO! NO MORE TYPING ON THAT F'ING computer. He gets all Thuy in Miss Saigon on her A and then she stops. I was beginning to think that C was going to flip his lid too. "You're always online! You never talk to me anymore." So I had to repent. In fact I had to do the five Rs of repentance to make sure. What were they again? Anyone remember?

SO. I live in these semi-furnished apartments in the Gold Coast area of Chicago. Its SO great. I say semi because it did have beds, but it did not come with dishes, kitchenware, bedding, towels, or a TV. I remembered about the kitchen and the TV, but not the bedding. So I had a mini camping trip with myself the first night.. sans smores unfortunately. It was just me in about 3 coats, 2 hoodies, a scarf and a sensible marc jacobs beany pulled down as far as it could get it. And believe it or not I slept like a little baby wrapped in swaddling clothes. I was also sporting my new patagonia long underwear courtesy of a gift card C's mother gave to me so I could get some winter essentials. After that first night of blissless camping, I got through my first day of rehearsal and then scurried down to the nearest Target and promptly spent 250 bucks buying everything I would need to get my apartment in shape. I actually got some cute dishes, some really great pillows, quilts, blankets so that my 6 months here would be cozy as can be. I am feeling really great about my pad now. Its all in order. I'm having a great time here. It might be freezing, but my heart is warm as can be.

Wired-less

2009-01-29T15:27:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately I am still without Internet in Chicago. I have an appointment for Saturday morning with the cable company, so I should be good to go in a few days. I'll post some photos of my place in the gold coast area- I'm right by lake michegan!! I'm excited to read everyones blogs again!

In conclusion I'd just like to say:
Supercalifragilistic-betch-spialidocious.

Che farò senza Euridice

2009-01-25T21:47:00.000-08:00

I am completely obsessed with the Met Opera HD Telecasts that are shown LIVE in theaters all over the world. There is about one every month. Last Saturday's was Orfeo et Euridice.. the story of a husband whose wife dies on their wedding day. Inconsolable, Orfeo, the husband, is visited by Cupid who tells him that he can get Euridice back by going down to Hades and taking her back. The one condition is that he must use music to get past the river Styx and the dead there.. and the other condition is that he must not look at Euridice until they reach the surface, nor tell her why. If he does, she will die again forever. Awakened from death, Euridice wants nothing more to than to be embraced by her lover. Orfeo, unable to look at her appears cold and unfeeling. On their way back to the surface she continues pushing him to look upon her, not understanding why he won't do so, notice her beauty, and comfort her. He cannot look at her and he cannot explain why. Eventually he feels so broken down by her sadness and complaints of his not loving her that he does look upon her at last. She dies again, and he returns to his agony. Then he sings the most famous aria from the Opera: Che faro senza Euridice? (what will I do without Euridice -- pronounced Eh-yur-ee-dee-chay) Its SO GORGEOUS! Traditionally the role was performed by a male castrato. Today a counter-tenor does it sometimes, but more often a mezzo sings the role dressed as a dude. In the HD telecast Stephanie Blythe sang the role. It was amazing. I just wanted to give you a little taste. This is a different artist-- a mezzo, but a great version.

QUEEN FEVER

2009-01-24T13:56:00.000-08:00

Aretha's hat has created quite a stir. The minute she appeared on the TV screen the 1101001001010s started flying and text alerts where buzzing in people's pockets in a flurry of vibrations. A Flickr website has been dedicated to crowning other deserving "queens" with the sparkly regalia that was her hat. See them all here.

Here are several of my favorites.

The Light!

2009-01-24T13:40:00.000-08:00

After what seems now like a year in technological oblivion, I have finally learned how to effortlessly get full movies onto my iPhone. Now I can become even better at quoting shit and making everyone who doesn't know the quote feel left out! SO MUCH FUN YOU GUYS.

My dear friend Craig did a lot of research and found that the best DVD ripper program for MAC computers is a program called iSkySoft. He was using the program last night and when i saw how easy it was, I decided I would come right home and download it. It does cost 40 bucks to license it, but if you are like me and want to make digital copies of your DVD library and you have a Mac computer, then it's well worth it. I already have Miss Congeniality, The Devil Wears Prada, and Chocolat on my iPhone. I'm LIVING! I just wanted to say that.

Vlog Header

2009-01-23T11:20:00.001-08:00

Its not perfect but I have been wanting to do this for some time now-- a "what my videos are about" video to put at the top of my page. I used the YOUTUBE capture to record it which was VERY easy and VERY fast, but it cut off the last 8 seconds or so. I don't have time to fix it right now, so I thought I'd just leave it. Here it is

OTRA

2009-01-23T10:00:00.000-08:00

You might think thats spanish for "other" but its not. Its an acronym for something I often run into: "On the Road Again" Yes that's right. Since it happens so often I figured I'd shorten it. I'm OTRA. Well, in a few days. Today I headed back to Astoria where I have been subletting since I got back from my last tour. Its been a great situation for me, and I have liked living here. Astoria is in Queens but its a quick train ride to midtown-- only about a 15 minute commute. A lot of actors live out here. The last month however I have not slept even one night here. In an impromptu attempt to move our relationship to the next level, Constantine and I have tried "living together" for the last month. The quotes are there because you're not really "living" with someone when you still have your own apartment to fall back on if things don't go the way you want them to. But I must say that overall its been quite successful. We have had the occasional SNAFU but that aside, I think it's been a positive thing. Taking a relationship to the next level can be risky though, as expectations tend to rise with more commitment. But you have to take those risks, right?

So today I'm back packing up my things to get ready to ship myself off to Chicago. I have decided to ship my big computer for my time there since I think it will be nice to have it since I will be in one place for so long. So I'm writing this last blog post on here (then I'll be laptopping it) and then sending it off to my apartment in Chicago! I am also filling up my suitcases and getting myself all ready for Tuesday. Our Addams Family reading presentation is at 3pm. After it ends, I will calmly go and get my bags, get in a cab and go to La Guardia for a 9:00pm flight. The next morning I will be at rehearsal bright and early in Chicago for Mary Poppins.

And just like that I'll go from being a ghoulish ancestor to a cheeky chimney sweep. That's showbiz kids.

Robert Louis Stevenson gets jiggy

2009-01-21T20:37:00.000-08:00

When I was young my mom had us do choral readings. We all sort of made fun of it at the time, but none of us have forgotten those poems. For anyone who doesn't know, a choral reading is a group reading of a poem or other text, done with voices in chorus not set to music. Some lines would be done as solo lines, in groups, or omnes, like this:

Ill try to get one of the tapes of us doing the reading because its pretty brilliant. There are a lot of family rumblings going on that are extremely funny. My older brother Stuart is constantly disrupting and making fun of everything, my brother Guy is following him all the way in all his misbehavior, I am trying to micromanage EVERYONE into behaving, and in so doing am being a crazy nazi. Its a lot. ANYWAY, one of the choral reading sets we did was "3 poems by Robert Louis Stevenson." (we said this in chorus so I remember it). I'm blanking on the 3rd, but the 1st and 2nd were poems about our shadow, and sitting on a swing, respectively. Well the other day I stumbled on this poem by R.L. Stevenson, and I thought how funny it would have been to do this one as kids.

"You Looked So Tempting In the Pew"

You looked so tempting in the pew,
You looked so sly and calm -
My trembling fingers played with yours
As both looked out the Psalm.

Your heart beat hard against my arm,
My foot to yours was set,
Your loosened ringlet burned my cheek
Whenever they two met.

O little, little we hearkened, dear,
And little, little cared,
Although the parson sermonised,
The congregation stared.

Pretty steamy eh? Robert Louis was feeling it! I am thinking I should maybe find a few more poems like this and do an ADULT version of "3 poems by Robert Louis Stevenson".

GOBAMA

2009-01-21T10:54:00.000-08:00

The White House page has listed, among other things, Obama's agenda for civil rights including specifically LGBT Community concerns.

Among them:
Expand Hate Crimes Statutes
Fight Workplace Discrimination
Support Full Civil Unions and Federal Rights for LGBT Couples
Oppose a Constitutional Ban on Same-Sex Marriage
Repeal Don't Ask-Don't Tell
Expand Adoption Rights
Promote AIDS Prevention
Empower Women to Prevent HIV/AIDS

Click here to read more about each. Its awesome that he and his chosen committees have started TODAY to outline their agendas for his term as president. It is comforting to know that there are people who are trying to look out for the civil rights minority groups in this country. GOBAMA!

Aretha's headwear and other Inaug thoughts

2009-01-21T09:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday at the "inaug" this is what Aretha was giving me. It was a real "yes queen" moment. A true true yes queen. You know its a serious affair when it basically looks like Sunday Best but hit with the bedazzler like there is no tomorrow. And one more thing I have to say.. YES GREY TONES!!! Get it girl. Her singing certainly had all the right spirit and soul, she just has a men's falsetto now though instead of a women's belt or mix. But vocal prowess aside, it was a WONDERFUL day.

Barack's choice to have Reverend Rick Warren, an outspoken opponent to gay marriage, deliver the inaug invocation was one questioned by many gay rights groups. However, at the end of the day, many felt that Warren's prayer (which I'll be honest I just couldn't get myself to listen to for some reason) was very inclusive and perhaps represented the beginnings of a dialogue between the gay and evangelical communities. That would certainly be helpful, as many gay people are people of faith, and a reconciliation of spirituality and sexuality in the world might help some trigger such a peaceful dialogue within their own hearts. We really need that. A lot of gay people of faith are still torn, distressed and suicidal. They shouldn't be. I'm not a prophet, but I can tell you that God does not want people to battle and rage against their own natures.

After the Rick Warren scuffles, openly gay Episcopal bishop Rev. V. Gene Robinson was asked to deliver the opening prayer at the Sunday inaug kickoff event, but for some reason this invocation was not televised. Censorship? Spokespeople for the Obama campaign said the choice to ask an openly gay bishop to deliver an invocation at another event was not related to the complaints about Rick Warren or appeasing anyone. According to them, the choice was an independent one, showing that though Barack ostensibly opposed "gay marriage", he is certainly for civil rights and full equality under the law for gay men and women who wish to partner legally. From a political standpoint, many feel that supporting gay marriage might have alienated the people of color base that he was hoping to bring into the voting booths. This hypothesis seemed to prove true, where in California Barack was overwhelmingly elected, yet prop 8 passed. It was later released that demographically, people of color voted for Barack and largely voted to shoot down gay marriage. In his speech though, Barack mentioned gays along with other racial groups, which I think is a huge step forward for this country.

It was such a moving display, wasn't it? It was so amazing to feel so proud of our country again. I feel like we really done good this time. I'm excited by the prospect of beginning a new era in our country, and starting this new era with such unity and such great HOPE.

Just as a final side not I really think people should start saying inaug for short. Its so sensible!! Try using it in a sentence today.

"yeah, I hope not sporadically"

Sickie poo

2009-01-19T17:12:00.000-08:00

I have been around sick people for almost 2 months, and I have been a pillar of health. Until today. Maybe seeing my Constantine through what ended up being a quite grueling tonsillectomy put me over the edge. I'm not sure. But today I am down for the count.

BUT here is the good news. I have my iphone alarm set for 20 minutes. Every 20 minutes a really fierce cut of Jojo's "Too Little Too Late" pours out of my iphone to remind me to drink a glass of water. No one can accuse me of not pushing fluids. "I'm a pusher Cady. I'm a pusher!" Name that quote anyone?!

I feel inside my body the temperature rising to try to take down the virus that seems to be fighting just as hard. My body feels weak because of this immunity battle that is raging within. It won't be long now before the white blood cells seek and destroy. I see them now cascading through my body, overtaking the odious enemy.

Its happening now. I am getting better...

Ok intention set!

Rumi

2009-01-18T19:29:00.000-08:00

The way of love is not
a subtle argument.

The door there
is devastation.

Birds make great sky-circles
of their freedom.
How do they learn it?

They fall, and falling,
they're given wings.

A sensible rant, but with restraint

2009-01-17T21:11:00.000-08:00

On any given weekend night, in any given medium to larger metropolis you will find the people packed in. Into where you ask? Is it meetinghouses? Is it quiet coffee nooks? Is it their living rooms? Not so much. They are packed into the swankiest bar they know of.

Don't judge me for this. I was just in a bar less than 10 minutes ago. This whole culture is so unfamiliar to me that I literally felt like I walked into a space ship populated by aliens sizing me up to see what I'm made of. Here is what I feel. My voice hurts from talking over the pumping loud music. I saw about 6 friends, most of whom I have not seen for months. As I hugged them and said hello and started the conversation, I couldn't help but think it: is this the best place for me to catch up with these people.

Its dark. Its crowded. Its HELLA loud. People are out looking wealthy and happy, even if they are not. They are tipsy from drink. Although I am so grateful to have seen my friends all in one place I can't help but wish I could have been able to see all of them in another context. I know its too much to wish for to have us all meet at a metaphorical campfire and read some Poe while we cuddle, reminisce and roast marshmallows (again, metaphor).

What is it with these bars? What is it that brings these people together from an anthropological standpoint? Historically places like the well or the watering hole become places where people gather. Everyone needs water, right? Everyone needs it every day. What does the swanky bar offer that can be compared to the watering hole. Is it the alcohol? Is it the ability to see and be seen? Is it the opportunity to be a part of a community of like minded people? I am really asking.

The other thing I want to know is this: am I missing something? Are bars the bees knees and I am just missing the boat? My one hunch is that if I drank alcohol more frequently I would probably understand more the appeal of the bar atmosphere. But would that be a good thing?

One remnant of my mormon past is that I am not a frequent imbiber of alcoholic beverages. I'm really not against it in moderation, honestly. I just am not convinced that moderation is what is being practiced here. Am I being judgy? I'm looking for comments.

The Best Romantic Comedy

2009-01-17T20:16:00.000-08:00

Last Chance Harvey. I just saw this film with Constantine tonight. I have to say, it was one of the just simply best movies I have seen in a while. Emma Thompson and Dustin Hoffman. Amazing. That is all I am going to say. Go see it, it is great. They are just such titans of acting.. so truthful, sincere, subtle, and real. When you see it, call me so we can discuss it.

Gay is the new black

2009-01-16T15:53:00.001-08:00

I wasn't as devastated as some LGBT people were about the passing of prop 8 in California. As I have said a million times, I truly don't know what in the world the YES on 8 side is trying to accomplish when gay marriage is already legal in MA and now CT. Particularly from the mormon standpoint. The LDS church is worldwide church! Why fight so hard in California when 2 other states already allow gay marriage, not to mention Canada, several countries in Europe etc. Are the souls of the people living in those states and countries not worth protecting against the evil that gay marriage will bring upon them? Why fight in California and not elsewhere? Or, as Elle Woods would say.. "Why now? Why this sperm?"

I suppose I wasn't devastated because I feel that marriage equality is inevitable. I have heard many people say that history is on our side, and as someone's T-shirt read at a rally I recently attended:

Today I read this press release:

(San Francisco, CA, January 15, 2009)—Today, hundreds of religious organizations, civil rights groups, and labor unions, along with numerous California municipal governments, bar associations, and leading legal scholars collectively urged the California Supreme Court to strike down Proposition 8.

It followed:

In a brief filed on January 14, 2009, the California Council of Churches and other religious leaders and faith organizations representing millions of members discussed the harm Proposition 8 poses to religious minorities.

“Proposition 8 poses a grave threat to religious freedom,” said Rev. Rick Schlosser, Executive Director of the California Council of Churches. “If the Court permits same-sex couples to be deprived of equal protection by a simple majority vote, religious minorities could be denied equal protection as well—a terrible injustice in a nation founded by people who emigrated to escape religious persecution. If the Court permits Proposition 8 to take effect, religious discrimination similarly could be written into California's Constitution.”

I found this to be extremely ironic. One of the things I heard most frequently from members of the LDS church regarding the legality of gay marriage was that marriage equality would eventually diminish the rights of certain religious groups. Particularly those religions who refused to perform gay marriages in their temples and churches. In fact, this was one of the main highlights on the official church video featuring Elder Bednar about prop 8 and why mormons should fall in line and be FOR prop 8. Whether purposeful or not, this was not true. The May overturn of the previously existing gay marriage ban in California clearly stated that no religious organization would be forced to perform gay marriages. The overturn protected the first amendment rights of religions as well as those of queer people wishing to wed their beloved partners of choice. To lead religious people to believe that their rights were in jeopardy was effective, but blatantly dishonest. It is particularly sad to think that this information was available to anyone who wanted to find it. It was not hidden in piles of rhetoric or lawyer-ese. It was clearly stated in the court report.

What is again ironic is that by using a majority vote in California, certain groups were able to remove the rights of a minority group. That is what happened. Um, doesn't that scare churches more than gay marriage??! A mere 51% can take away your right to whatever they choose to take away. Isn't that scary? Particularly the LDS church that has been often so repressed and persecuted. How could they willingly stifle another minority group? How could they forget what it is like to be told that what they believe to be the truth is something abhorrent to a more powerful group of people? Is this what the church wants to do with their growing reputation in America that they have worked so hard to build up? And again.. WHAT DOES IT GIVE THEM? The nebulous but ever-ubiquitous "destruction of the traditional family" has been warded off I suppose. But again I have to wonder, is the world falling apart in Massachusetts? Is it falling apart in Canada? Is the Netherlands a present day inferno; devoid of righteousness?

I have a very good friend who is a convert to the church who called me to ask for my advice. She said to me that all her coworkers were giving her a very hard time about her faith, as well as her stance on proposition 8. She said, "I am actually not opposed to gay marriage, but I just can't stand by and let my religious freedoms become jeopardized." I was like, HUH? Is that what people have been telling you is going to happen if prop 8 doesn't pass? I felt bad for her as a convert especially being put in that position. She was told things that were not true and that made no logical sense, yet made to feel that she had to either support them or go against a loving Heavenly Father. One of my brothers was placed in a similar situation. He felt he had to choose to either support me or support God. God won. But did he? DID HE? (S.D. that's for you)

I don't know how this particular situation will play out. I do believe, however, in that principle called KARMA, or in mormon-ese, the law of the harvest. I'd be more afraid of that than the disintegration of the fiber of society, especially if you are sowing seeds of intolerance and using less than the truth to become more powerful in the world. I can't judge the church leaders who made these decisions, because I don't understand their motives in the least. I do feel though that no one can stop the tide of love and acceptance that is washing over this earth. Not even a "hallowed hand" can. This is our fate as human beings-- to learn all the lessons that will help us to realize the truth: we are all one. We are all connected.