Right to Dream

I have this little known Mariah song in my head right now. Its called, "Right to Dream" and its from her newest venture into film, Tennessee. It played last year at the Tribeca Film Festival if I'm not mistaken. She plays a battered housewife/aspiring singer who joins 2 other nomadic hopefuls on a journey that would change them all. I haven't seen this movie yet, but I definitely will. After Mariah's foray into the phantasmagorical Glitter, well how could I not.



I, like Mariah, have a right to dream. I used to want to live in all of these different foreign countries for a year. I wanted to live for a year in Paris, a year in Beijing, a year in Berlin, a year in Moscow, a year in Rome, and maybe a year in Buenos Aires. I just feel drawn to the idea of experiencing a different world from my own American one. I really created this dream after my mission, when I saw what a soul stretching experience it was for me to live in Mexico for 2 years (I'm goin' to Mexico with my baby ain't NOBODY can take that joy from me..). When I got home I decided I wanted to learn new languages and get to experience new cultures and ideas. My dream really started to take shape when I was cast in an english language production of 42nd Street in Moscow, Russia that was supposed to last 14 months. It was subsequently shortened to 4, but at least I got to live there..

Lately life has caused me to shelf this dream of living abroad. Until this week. This week I finally saw the recent film La Vie En Rose starring the incandescent oscar-winning Marion Cotillard. I particularly love her final song in the movie. Its so triumphant. In any case, it's not perhaps the type of movie that one might expect to inspire such a "dream-revival" as this, for me this movie carried the soul of Paris the way someone in the movie says Edith Piaf's voice does. I want to work on my French again. I want to live in Paris for a year. I want to wear a beret. I want to sing "Viens Jusqu'a moi" while walking through the Tuilleries.

I have a right to dream. Don't I?

Oy vey

I always do this. You guys. What's up with not posting for like 6 months and then doing 3 in one day. What's up with life?

veiled imagination

Isn't it strange when life just randomly leads you into meaningful experiences? Is it stranger when life does it twice? About 4 years ago I went through this phase where I'd go onto the village voice website and find free talkbacks, table readings, book presentations, Nuyorican Poetry slams, you name it. During that time I stumbled into a Barnes and Noble on a snowy day to Azar Nafisi's discussion of her acclaimed book "Reading Lolita in Tehran". This fascinating piece of non-fiction takes place in Tehran, Iran and tells the story of a female literature professor (Nafisi) and several hand picked female students and their experience of reading and discussing forbidden western books in the Islamic Republic of Iran. They read Pride and Prejudice, The Great Gatsby, One Thousand and One Nights, Daisy Miller, and of course Nabokov's Lolita just to name a few. But they didn't just read them. They lived parts of their lives through the books that they were not allowed to live in public. They were forced to hide behind the veil. The issue of veiling in Iranian society is a running theme in the book. In Nafisi's words: "My constant obsession with the veil had made me buy a very wide black robe with kimonolike sleeves, wide and long. I had gotten to the habit of withdrawing my hands into the sleeves and pretending that I had no hands."

Yesterday my friend Craig called and said that he was sitting next to a sign in Barnes and Noble near Lincoln Center stating that Nafisi had written a new book, Things I've Been Silent About. He said she was having a discussion there at 7:30 that evening. It was fate. Azar and I back together again after nearly 4 years.. it just felt right.

I had forgotten this about Ms. Nafisi, but I remembered it the second she began talking about her new book. This woman doesn't stand up and say, "Here's my book. It's about this. I hope you read it." She stoop up and opened a window of light and knowledge to the room. She said so many amazing things I felt like I needed to stop and try to store the information but I felt that if I did I would lose the new information still flying toward me. I do remember how she talked about the way people in the US tend to view Iran and Iraq. She said when Americans hear the words, "Iran" or "Iraq", they think of Saddam, Al Qaeda, Kuwait, illegal arms sales, the twin towers, the veil, and extremists hiding in caves. I wish I could remember exactly what she said, but it was something like this: Iran as we know it used to be ancient Persia. Yet no one thinks of (she named 4-5 persian poets I've never heard of). Iraq used to be Mesopotamia, the cradle of civilization. Yet no one thinks of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. She then went on to say that minimizing Iran and Iraq to those recent stereotypes is the same as minimizing Europe to the Holocaust. It is like minimizing America to slavery.

Finally she talked about what she saw as an antidote to this black and white thinking: imagination. Expand your mind. Explore the possibilities of your world-- even the impossibilities. "Keep reading," she said. This from a woman who was living in a country where she couldn't legally read most western books until she left in 1997. Her words seemed so poignant to me.

Keep reading.

I wish I could make my thoughts more cohesive right now. I felt so moved and so impressed by her ideas. They were at once thought-provoking, powerful, and surprising in their clarity. My friend Craig and I just looked at one another after the talk as if to say, "Wow. We were so lucky to hear her talk tonight."

it starts with the truth

I always love Oprah. I live for her no matter what, but ESPECIALLY right now. Oprah just "came out" to the world with a recent revelation that was both shocking and not. She told the world that she was embarrassed and ashamed because she gained back all the weight that she had painstakingly lost over the previous several years.

Oprah is a huge advocate for telling the truth and letting the cards fall. As part of getting herself and all her viewers back on track she has been doing a fantastic "Best Life" series all week.

Yesterday my favorite financial guru, Suze "jackets" Orman was on to help with the "money day" of the best life week. She starts the episode talking about telling the truth about your financial life. She says that the biggest problem people have is spiraling debt caused by living outside of their means, and also because they are living dishonest lives financially. She tells the audience that she has tallied their collective credit card debt-- which amounts to a whopping 2.25 million dollars. She then asks them all to lean over to their neighbors and each tell the absolute truth about how much debt he/she currently owes to credit card companies.

Suze and Oprah then lay out a 2009 action plan for these tough economic times. As part of that action plan, Suze has released a new book, which can be downloaded for free until next Thursday.

I'm just all about this right now. This idea that telling the truth and letting the cards fall is not a new one, but it is just as cathartic and important as it ever was. Telling the truth about who we are financially, emotionally, spiritually, even sexually and engaging in unabashed HONESTY with those we love is more important than ever.

I'm onboard Oprah. Count me in.

inspired

I have a hard time blogging. I was talking to a good friend the other day and he asked me, have you read this girl's blog lately, have you read that guy's blog lately. I said no. Then he said, "no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to make you a blog person."

But today I feel inspired. This is not a new years resolution. Not that those aren't wonderful. This just isn't one.

I saw a dear friend on new years eve in Denver. She is a fellow actor, and is working on a US touring production. Reconnecting with her on new years eve was so special to me, and I think to her as well. We felt such a kinship and connection even though it has been nearly a year since we last sat down and talked in person. I decided I would visit her blog and hear more of her internal monologue. I felt so inspired.

One of her posts was called love love love. She says that she needed to feel loved, so she called out to the universe and asked for it. Then she goes on to tell the ways in which the universe answered her. They were simple beautiful ways in which she was reassured-- yes. You are loved. You are not alone. I love what she said at the end of the post:



"love love love. i feel it. i feel loved.


i guess all i had to do was ask. that wasn't so hard.


thanks for answering my request. i won't hesitate to ask again."

Nor will I. Thank you for being a good example to me.

New Age Correspondence

RulesStructure911

I have been trying to institute a 12:00 a.m. bedtime for myself over the last month. As an actor who usually doesn't have to go to work until about 7:00 p.m., it is sometimes difficult for me to discipline myself about bedtimes, reasonable wake up times, and productive activities that extend beyond eating and working out. Most actors in touring productions go to bed from 3-4am, wake up around 12-1pm, go find food, get some coffee, maybe do a little email etc., maybe go to the gym or a class, and then it is time for work. When I first started working as an actor, I completely denied myself any attachment to what my best friend Don calls, "actor schedule."

My first out of town job was an incredible travel/learning opportunity for me: 42nd Street in Moscow, Russia. Seeing that this was a great opportunity for me to learn a language and to fully experience another culture for more than the usual week or two-week vacation, I fixed myself on a "missionary schedule" more than actor schedule. Usually our show in Moscow would end about 10:30 pm-- I would rush home, not pass go, not collect 200 dollars, and go directly to bed. I would then wake up at approx. 7:30 am, put some tea on the stove and proceed to study Russian language for about 3 hours. Then I would look in a guide book, pick a museum or interesting local spot, and go there. Along the way I would speak as much Russian as I could with anyone who would talk to me. By the end of our 4 months in Russia (which was supposed to be 10 months but the production closed early because of that terrorist attack on a nearby Moscow theater in November 2002-- another story indeed), I was speaking quite a lot of Russian while most of my cast mates were only able to say vodka, hello, goodbye, and some expletives. After this experience I vowed to stay off actor schedule for as long as I was an actor.

Cut to me last year, me living and working in Las Vegas, NV. I was there for nearly all of 2007, and for nearly all of 2007 I was on actor schedule. Oh it just didn't seem as important anymore to study languages, read history books, visit interesting sites, or go to bed at a reasonable hour. Somehow I let go of that structure that had served me so well in my recent past. I thought that productivity and intelligence were mine to enjoy without any rules and structure to support their longevity and continued presence in my life.

All I can say to sum up 2007 is this: I was so tired all the time! Isn't that ironic?

Cut now to last night. It was midnight and I was crawling into bed in strict observance of my newly reinstated bedtime, and I made a tactical error: I turned on the TV. I landed on an hour-long episode of Nanny 911. I was transfixed. The story was about this woman who had 4 children. While their dad was home, the children behaved perfectly, went to timeout when they were told and did not move until they were allowed to. But the minute the father left for work, the household would literally turn upside down. The children would go crazy. They had no respect for anything, not their toys, not their homes, not even the nanny's hat which they threw over the banister and basically "maria von trapp'd" if you get my reference. Worst of all they had absolutely no respect for their mother. When she would put them into timeout they would just walk away. When she would try to get them to listen they would scream and yell. They would spit in her face, hit her, and do anything they could to thwart her power in the home. Eventually she would just take the smaller ones and force them into a timeout by physically restraining them. When she did that, they would go berserk, bite her, spit on her, and head-butt her as hard as they could. I was so perplexed. What could be done? How are such children to be worked on?

As the days went on in the house the Nanny began to see that the children behave this way because there are literally no rules in the house. There is no consistency with time-outs, there are no talks about behavior and accountability, and there is no real cohesive discipline methodology. As nanny tries to create some rules about time-out, buying these timers that manage the time outs so the children have some structure associated with this disciplinary action, she finds that the mother still continues to try to do time-outs without the timers and without the rules in place. The other thing that the Nanny realizes is that the children behave for their father because they are afraid of him. The oldest child confesses to Nanny that the dad sometimes brings a belt into their rooms and slaps the leather against itself. This is why they behave so well for him, and this is why they are angry and insane when dad is gone. At one point the dad takes the mom out into the front yard and won't let cameras follow, and basically rips her a new one about what a bad parent she is. She comes back in crying and Nanny eventually confronts dad about ruling his house with fear. He is very upset, but eventually agrees to back up mom's authority, and help his children fear him less by spending more time with them. Mom starts to follow the rules herself, causing her children to feel more inclined to do so as well. Pretty soon the structure and the rules that have been created allow the home to operate more harmoniously.

I felt so enlightened by this episode. I began to think about structure in my relationship with my boyfriend, and about my life in general. The default setting of the world is entropy. Scientifically things are always proceeding toward disorder. Does this mean we are doomed to a life of chaos? Of course we are not. We get to choose how we want our lives to go. Most of us borrow structure from our upbringing. We borrow the structure of "truth" which presents us with a set of rights and wrongs by which to govern our lives. We borrow the structure of our religious culture which teaches us how to treat others, and in mormonism that structure teaches us that service and selflessness are the apex of human life. We borrow structure from our social world. Some eco-social worlds have more structure in place than others. But what happens to someone like me when the "truth" that I believed so fiercely in is no longer the truth for me. The reasons for respecting and observing that structure are no longer so important to me, because I no longer believe in their absolute truth. Interestingly enough, I have seen many people walk away from the church and have their lives fall apart. Some members of the church might say, well of course. Wickedness never was happiness. He left the church and God punished him. I personally don't think its that simple.


Rules and structure are important on so many levels. So much of structure is imposed on us by government, religion, tradition, families, and other factors that have come into play in our lives. Growing up is difficult because you suddenly realize that 8:00 bedtime is not a law of the universe. You will not burst into flames if you say a swear word. As we grow up we have to either accept that disorder is a fact of life and do our best with the chaos that is real. OR we can choose to continue to make structures in which to reside in more orderly ways. No one is going to give me a bedtime. No one is going to force me to think of others before I think of myself. No one is going to make me treat my body in a respectful and compassionate way. If our only structure in life is based on the laws of the land, then I think we are missing out on some important growth opportunities. Like those kids on Nanny 911, I think we need structure. I think we need rules. Rules we create are flexible and subject to change. Because in making rules, in a way we are playing the role of God in our own life. We are saying this is allowed and this is not allowed. But we are not God. We are however gods of our own lives, and keepers of this great gift called a soul.

I particularly want to address this post to anyone who is in the process of questioning the church they were raised in. Accepting that the church you were raised in is not the only true church on the face of the earth can really throw for a loop the structure you have trusted and used as a safe environment in which to become productive. As you feel that foundation begin to quiver under your feet-- you may suddenly realize that the only person who was ever holding it in place was YOU. Does this mean that all of it was bad for you? I can't answer that for you. Does this mean it was all good for you? I can't answer that for you either. But what I can say is this- life without rules is chaos. Chaos is not a place where a person can safely thrive. That is my opinion. It is my belief that it is our obligation to look ourselves in the very soul and say: who am I? What do I need to grow, thrive, and fulfill my purpose in this life? Then it is our job to structure accordingly. No one else can make rules for you as effectively as you can make rules for yourself, but it takes courage and fortitude. Maybe it's not easy for me to deny myself "actor schedule." But I don't make the rules so they will be easy for me to follow. I make the rules with my own objective happiness in mind. We won't be perfect, even at our own rules. But we will be trying, and our sincere efforts will be sustained. That I know.

I'll cross the stream, I have a dream

I recently started a new job. I just joined a national tour production, and will be working out on the road for the whole summer. In spite of the fact that I have to be away from my man, I actually enjoy touring. I love being in a new city and getting a chance to explore my external and internal worlds anew. The other thing I LOVE about traveling for work is that it affords me the opportunity to run into people I have not seen in many years. The show has been in San Francisco for the last 2 weeks, which is where my boyfriend's family lives. So not only have I spent the last 2 weeks living in his family's house, I have done so with his wonderful little brother, who has been such a joy to get to know! In addition, I have met aunts, cousins, family friends and many others connected to him and his family. It's been AMAZING. Beyond that, I saw a friend from BYU who is also a gay mormon, but who transitioned out of the church pretty much at the same time that he came out. It was wonderful to catch up with him! Over the next few months I will be seeing a lot of family and friends-- I'm even spending 2 weeks in Salt Lake City which is one of my favorite places. But I am getting away from my main reason for writing this post.

One of the biggest surprises of this trip to San Francisco was that it happened to coincide with a trip that my mother and my beloved aunt were also taking to San Francisco. One of my cousins is moving from the area, so "the moms" are coming to help her, and they have been here all weekend. Now I am never one to ask or even tacitly expect people to see the shows I am in. I figure if people are interested they will come. I never feel offended if people aren't into it, because lets face it not everyone likes musicals! But my family has seen almost all of my shows, and they have often traveled specifically to do so. Well, because my show is going to salt lake near my aunt's house, and then dallas which is pretty close to where my mom lives, they were not planning to see the show this weekend. But they surprised me and decided to come last night-- very spontaneously. After the show, my mom was SO ENTHUSIASTIC! She always likes the shows I do, but this one she LOVED. She is never one to be overly "proud" of me because all pride is bad according to that ezra taft benson talk, so its almost like she can't really be that mom who is proud that her son is doing something that a lot of people would find interesting and impressive. But last night she seemed so thrilled and dare I say it.. proud! It felt really awesome.

This morning I woke up and realized that I had had a dream about my mom. In the dream we were on a beach and we were just together communicating about all that has passed between us (I'm sure anyone who has read this has read her letter to me that was written in January). In the dream, she just said-- we are going to put all this behind us now and just LOVE. I woke up feeling so healed from any enmity that has developed between us. I felt so full of happiness.

Tonight I had dinner with my mom, my aunt, my cousin, and my boyfriend's brother. It was so great. Everyone embraced the new brother and truly welcomed him. At one point I had a few moments alone with my mom and I told her about my dream. She said that maybe it was how proud and happy she had been about my show-- that maybe that had been cathartic for me on some level. We weren't able to go any further than that. I don't really have any huge realization or thesis to share. I just thought it was a meaningful day-- a meaningful step in our journey of love. Feeling that close to her again, even in the dream made me understand that I can still set intentions for my relationship with her that are that specific and that wonderful. I don't have to hold back. I can always go to that place in my mind and feel her love and acceptance, even if she is not 100% ready now to give it. Maybe she never will! That is the beauty of agency though. God doesn't take away her agency, but He also doesn't deprive me of the healing that I have sought. I'm so grateful that I was able to have that healing experience because it has empowered me to show more love to my mom, which I think is what God would have me do.

Indoctrination

With this raid of the Texas polygamist compound all over the news lately, and with the outcome of the 400+ children who were taken into child protective services's custody being largely determined today in court, I have felt my latent fascination with polygamy re-sprouting. About 3 years ago I read every book on polygamy I could get my hands on. I had just visited Nauvoo for the first time since I was a young teenager, and suddenly this concept and the controversy that accompanies it became objects of great interest to me. Because many of the Nauvoo historical sites were left to Emma Smith, or rather because she chose to remain in Nauvoo instead of following Brigham Young and the saints to the west, these sites are largely properties of the Community of Christ church- once the Reorganized LDS church. Interestingly enough, there were many books on polygamy in the visitors center there. I found this interesting because on my tour of these sites the elderly brother who took us through told me in no uncertain terms that he did not believe Joseph Smith was a polygamist. He said that their church held the firm belief that Brigham Young had started polygamy, and had unsuccessfully attempted to convince Joseph Smith to follow his example and officially introduce polygamy into church policy. Consequently, there were many books on the shelf in that visitors center which attempted to present testimony and facts that decry the myth of Joseph Smith being a polygamist. The Community of Christ has preserved the Joseph Smith line as the prophetic dynasty that is called to lead the true church. They follow the bible, the book of mormon and the other canonized scriptures that the LDS church uses. Of greater interest to me is that in the early 1990s women were given the priesthood in the Community of Christ. They are given it by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority the same way that the LDS are given the priesthood. They baptize, preach, administer ordinances, and even lead congregations. In fact, the line of Joseph Smith turned to a critical point in the early 90s when a male prophet could not be found. The person in line was a female, and so she became a prophet. Pretty progressive for a mormon, right? I had not heard this in all my life as a mormon, and I was duly impressed as a part-time feminist. I asked my mom about this and she looked on it with the appropriate degree of disdain. She believes women cannot rightfully hold priesthood of any kind, but she wasn't mad at them because like true LDS believers she must see the Community of Christ as just another vain attempt to access the true authority to save. The fact that they have Joseph and Emma at their root makes them no closer to truth. Because truth is all or nothing. Isn't it?

Of course the FLDS church has its own difficult story. Men choosing to believe that the LDS prophet Wilford Woodruff "sold out" in 1890 by receiving or claiming to receive a revelation about the end of polygamous practice-- or "the principle" as it was commonly referred to, broke off into many and various factions which have survived if not flourished since that day. Now I have read many books about polygamy. There are so many I have not read, but one interesting book I read while still at BYU was this book I found for a dollar at Savers called "More than One." It was all about how even though the current LDS church does not practice polygamy, and in many ways has tried to PR as much distance from the issue and their history as they can, this author shares that this is still very much a mormon principle, and shares letters and journal entries from many women who were involved in polygamy from the mid 1830s-1900. I found this book very moving as an LDS believer (which I very much was at the time). I found myself touched yet perplexed as to why the church would distance themselves from polygamy the way they have, while still allowing men to seal themselves to more than one woman in temple ceremonies in cases of death of a wife or even in cases of lawful divorces that do not go through the process of breaking the temple seal. I was especially confused and quite upset when in the July 2005 Ensign there was a beautiful article about the life of Bathsheba W. Smith, wife of George A. Smith. If you read the article from start to finish, it would appear that Bathsheba was an only wife of a prophet, much like a Marjorie Hinkley was in 2005. What the article omits, is that Bathsheba was very passionate about living "the principle", that she shared her husband with several other wives, and did so in great faith and diligence. In her journal entries, she talks about how firmly and plainly she believes and follows the practice of polygamy as a divine gift given to the world. The Ensign article pulled a lot of quotes from her journal and writings, but omitted anything regarding polygamy. They had to do some creative editing in order to accomplish this. So many of her entries talk about living the principle, even encouraging her husband to follow it to a greater degree! To me, it clearly was one of the vital tenets of her faith in the restored gospel. Yet here in this article which is meant represent the greatness of her life and her faith, no whisper of polygamy is present. If this principle is still important to our theology, why are we ashamed of it? Could it be that we are afraid of scaring off potential converts by embracing our past involvement in the practice, and also owning that we still believe that the principle is an important part of eternal salvation?

The problem with the situation in Texas is this: even though surely these are mostly wonderful mothers with the best intentions, the truth of the matter is that they have been indoctrinated to believe that it is holy and spiritually purposeful to marry of their young women as young as is desired by the men in power. The young girls have been taught that the greatest blessing of their lives is to bear these children, even as children themselves. They have no compass by which to decide that this is abuse of power, that this is abuse of children. Adolph Hitler, one of the most successful indoctrinators in modern history said that,

"The great masses of the people...
will more easily fall victims to
a big lie than to a small one."

Indoctrination is an interesting thing. As LDS people we too have been indoctrinated, but not nearly on this scale. However, we do believe that we must do and be certain things in order to be acceptable and worthy before God. We must perform certain acts willingly if we want to be saved. Even our thoughts and feelings have been infiltrated and are to an extent monitored. We have been taught to sometimes shun common sense and other "of the world" views to uphold what we have agreed to believe to be the "only true and living church on the face of the earth." We've covenanted before God and angels to uphold these teachings, and prior to 1990 we even made signs concerning physical punishments associated with failing to comply. Indoctrination and mind control is actually principle of most religions, at least the ones who are powerful and successful. And make no mistake, Mormonism is powerful. Mormonism is successful. So are many other faiths. What would happen if somehow a megalomaniac like Warren Jeffs were to become our prophet. We are not at such a risk to this because we are not subject to dynastic considerations when choosing leaders, but nevertheless: what would the prophet convince you to do? Would you, like a suicide bomber, go to eternal glory by blowing up an enemy to the church? Would you take a 14-year old wife? Would you send away your son because there are too many men for each follower in the community to have the requisite 3 wives needed to get to heaven? How far would your religious training and beliefs take you? Would you reject your child because they told you that they could not follow the religion you taught them? What are you willing to give up to follow what you have been taught and what you have chosen to believe?

The quote that I read which inspired me to write this post was spoken by Flora Jessop, a woman who escaped from a polygamist compound and now is an activist in saving other women. Having been taught that the polygamist world where she was raised and reared was a literal heaven on earth, she said after leaving that, "The pain got so bad in heaven that I was willing to damn myself to hell to escape it."

Flora Jessop now knows that she is not going to hell for leaving the FLDS community and refusing to follow its principles. I understand Flora's statement though. As I started making my way out of mormonism, I truly believed that I might be making a choice to go to the Telestial kingdom. I have heard many ex-mormons who have been out of the church for YEARS saying the same thing: they are going to the Telestial kingdom but they would rather that then have to live their lives in the church. To me that is powerful.

I would like to say that I, as a human being, was not flourishing in the LDS church. There were moments of true connectedness and wonderful experiences in the church, but overall I felt like my soul was being slowly stripped of any ability to FEEL. For years I tried to tell myself that it was my own wickedness and unworthiness that made me unable to fully connect to my life as a mormon. There was also enough about the church that I loved which allowed me to distract myself from the fact that I was losing my soul not saving it. I believe that now I have a fair attempt at life because I have left the indoctrinated world and choose to see the world with my own eyes, and feel through my own rescued soul.

Leaving the church is not actually the full answer though. Authorities in Texas know that just taking these women and children out of that environment is the very beginning of trying to give them a chance at life. Just getting out without further work can leave a person shattered and alone, with no foundation for finding meaning in the rest of his/her life. Many who are removed from polygamist communities find their way back into the safety of their childhood indoctrination, finding nothing but hopelessness and pain on the other side. The road out of indoctrination will be long and extremely difficult for anyone who endeavors to tread it uncertain pathways. But the bright shining truth of humanity is that a soul never dies. No matter how beaten down we feel, there is always a way to heal, improve, and fully live life. That is the great blessing of life, and also its great hope.

I was tagged!

MoHoHawaii just tagged me with a very fun game.. go here to read about it.

http://mohohawaii.blogspot.com/

1. Pick up the nearest book (at least 123 pages).
2. Turn to page 123.
3. Find the 5th sentence
4. Post the 5th sentence on your blog.
5. Tag 5 people.

Here is mine from Austen's Pride and Prejudice (I am a deeply rooted homo as you can see):

"A promise of secrecy was of course very dutifully given, but it could not be kept without difficulty; for the curiosity excited by his long absence burst forth in such very direct questions on his return, as required some ingenuity to evade, and he was at the same time exercising great self-denial, for he was longing to publish his prosperous love."

Fun. You too can be gay... do you know who the passage is referring to??
I wish I knew who to tag... OK Ill tag Parallel, Elbow, Abelard, Chris, and Vanson.
(Im not even sure they will see this lol but I want to fully comply with the game!!)
Thanks for including me MoHo. xoxo

Your Friendly Neighborhood Gay Mormon

Unfortunate metaphorical rodents of unusual size

I have for some time really deliberated on whether or not I am going to post the most recent letter from my mom. It is very personal, but honestly after some consideration (about 2 weeks worth) I have decided that it may be important for people in this community to see this letter. I would say having your family disown you is the bottom line of coming out and telling your family you don't want to be celibate therefore in the church anymore. This is by far not the bottom line, but I think it's worth reading. This is my mom's letter to me:


Clark,

You have asked me if I can do something. This is what you have said to me:

“I need you to ask yourself.. what does Clark want. What are
Clark’s hopes and fears.. How can I be an ally to Clark on his journey.
This is how I want to be treated by you. Will you do it?”

I have been pondering and thinking, reading and questioning. I have been influenced a great deal by a book I am reading called, The Death of the Grown-up, How America’s Arrested Development is Bringing Down Western Civilization. It is not a church book, and it is not written by a church member, but it is illuminating. Very.

As I have been reading and as I have been deliberating about my feelings about Christmas this year, I have come to some realizations for myself, about my life, what I want, and what I feel, and what I can no longer stand to live with. I actually feel like I have two choices, I can leave this planet, or I can stay and create the kind of life I want for myself and my home.

You may not know this but I have made huge personal concessions to be able to accommodate the people that some of my children have become. I have tried to stay fully invested though, and I have always found that the rewards for my relationship with you have been plentiful. You have always been kind, supportive, caring, respectful, grateful, dependable, independent, and your life has provided us with some very fun and enjoyable experiences. But even with you and me there has been a shift. I don’t think it was intentional. I don’t think I am the cause of it though. I feel that I have remained the same and that you are the one that has changed. Maybe you feel good about that change. Maybe it was the “YOU” that has been waiting so long to come out.

I see that you have chosen a path for yourself. That is perfectly viable. You are so free to do that without any conditions on my part. You are, as you say, 31, well almost.
You call this your “Peaceful Path.” I hope that it is peaceful for you. And I understand that anyone that is creating a peaceful path for themselves will do everything that they can to protect that “peacefulness.” Of course. But in your effort to protect that peacefulness, I have been given some very clear messages from you. Last September on the way to the airport, you told me clearly that I was not to be your God, or your conscience. Now you tell me that I am not to be your confidant, as you will be taking your problems to your peer group, who I guess understand you better and who I am sure will totally support your ideas. That will continue to maintain your peace. So what is left for me in my relationship to you. Oh yes, MOM. But wait, MOM is a parent, and parents have responsibilities, even to their adult children. When I think of the ideal parent I think of our Heavenly Father and I know that He is not only perfect in his parenting, but also that He loves us unconditionally. I think we understand unconditional love differently. He loves us unconditionally, but He will let “no unclean thing into his presence.” What kind of love is that? He loves us unconditionally, but He is the one who caused the flood that completely cleansed the earth from all wickedness. He will be the one that burns the wicked with fire when it consumes the whole earth.. Wow, what kind of unconditional love is that?

I think your kind of unconditional love means not saying what I think because it will hurt you, not being who I am and standing up for what I absolutely and unshakably know is correct, and not allowing those who are as you say you are “in apostasy” to tell me what to say or when to say it. I am under a personal command from my Heavenly Father to “Be courageous. Be ready and willing always to accept the challenges in membership in thy Father’s kingdom in testimony and thy reward shall be joy and exaltation in thy Father’s kingdom.” Never in all my imaginings about my own family did I think that I would ever need that courage with my own children. Life is interesting.

If you don’t like what I have to say, if you wince when you see an email from me, if you are afraid of the truth because it causes you to tremble under the consciousness of your own guilt, I cannot help that. We can either have a true relationship or a very shallow one, and I feel us moving quickly in that direction, but I refuse to give anyone permission to tell me what I can say and when.

I love you Clark, but I have to tell you that so many people have commented to me about how dark your countenance was this Christmas. They have told me that you have lost the light in your face, the sparkle in your eyes. They say that you are still the same sweet, kind person but that magnetism, that charm, those gifts that you held as long as you were trying to live the gospel are gone. It makes me want to weep. But I have learned an interesting thing from it, if a person is trying to live the gospel and failing pretty badly, the Spirit stays with me and continues to bless them. The Lord is very merciful with our weakness and our failings. It is not until one turns oneself over completely to the adversary and begin to work in behalf of his kingdom, tell many that this is not the Savior’s church, and you don’t have to live it, that the Spirit finally departs.. Oh how Satan must be rejoicing over you. Stripped of your best spiritual gifts and the ability to bring people to the Savior, you are now an enemy to the Savior’s church. You are now an unmissioanry, telling your gay friends, “Don’t feel bad if you leave the church, it’s not the Lord’s church anyway.”

This is the Savior’s church, His ONLY church on earth. Take one member away from it and you have moved from the right side to the wrong side and there is only one leader of the wrong side. Only one.

Now I have said what I want to say. I will continue to say it as often as I want. I will continue to be who I am, namely about the best MOM on the planet earth because I am willing to hurt with truth one of the dearest, sweetest, smartest, and most valiant lost spirits that I have ever known in my ENTIRE life.

I think I know your hopes and fears. I would love to be an ally on your journey, but I cannot support false ideas, lies, and open rebellion to the Lord’s church. That would not be an ally as I see it. I would be the worst friend you ever had. Some day I hope you will be able to thank me for standing steadfast and immovable when it was one the hardest, most wrenching choices I’ve ever had to make. That is true love. That is the greatest love of all."

Well that's the letter folks. I don't really know what to say after 2 weeks with this letter. At this point I feel as if there is really nothing left to say to my mom on this matter. We are speaking at our normal frequency (about once a week) but we are not talking about this issue currently. I have just decided to shelf this for the time being and move forward with our relationship in ways that does not involve this topic. She has likewise not moved to reintroduce the topic. I think the most difficult thing for me to stomach about this letter is that my mom thinks that my feeling bad when I get this kind of letter from her has to do with my "guilty conscience"! I wish I could explain to her in a way that she could understand that my conscience is 100% at peace-- I just feel bad because I feel like on a really basic level my own mother is rejecting my authentic journey on this earth, and is thereby rejecting a piece of me. ONE of the other things that bothers me is that I TRULY feel like if I had just gone on the way I was for the past 5-6 years before I got a boyfriend: which was me going to church every sunday and trying as hard as I could to be chaste but having a random encounter with some guy every 2-3 months and then suicidally agonizing over my failure to "measure up", I TRULY feel like as far as everyone was concerned I would still have that "light" about me and would not be "darkened" as so many people in the ward apparently noticed. I wonder if them noticing this darkness has anything to do with the fact that they all know I have a boyfriend lol. The force is strong within you young one. Self-fulfilling prophesy much? Anyway, I am not trying to be nasty. I'm just venting now.

The point of me posting this letter is manifold. First of all, I think this is a common response from LDS parents. My mom particularly appeared to be very accepting of my homosexuality as long as I stayed in the church. The cost of staying in the church to me emotionally and I STRESS spiritually did not seem to matter much to her. I know I am probably sounding like a broken record, but I am sick of being used as a lab rat on the gospel proving ground-- a hamster on a wheel. I feel as if my mom wanted me to stay in the church and be a perfect gay mormon so that she could have validation for the veracity of the gospel and the LDS church. IE if clark is willing to go against who he is sexually, emotionally, and yes even spiritually for the faith that I have instilled in him, then not only is the church proven to be true-- I also also proven to be a faithful administrator of this truth-- AKA a good mother. This gay thing is so powerful, everyone agrees on that. If we can get these gay people to put themselves on the altar, and also get young women who are willing to marry them to do the same, then we will have solved this pesky "gay problem" that most religious faiths are currently facing. The mormon church will officially corner the market on corporate truth. Who can argue? You changed gay people!! YOU MUST BE THE TRUE CHRUCH. Where do I sign up for this miracle??

I am back to what I have always believed. Truth needs no buttress. Truth is truth. It stands regardless of who stands for or against it. We don't need lab rats to prove the gospel works or doesn't work. We don't need hamsters running on their wheel for their entire lives to validate our goodness as parents or children. If the gospel works for you-- I TRULY CELEBRATE YOU! I truly celebrate your journey. If the gospel has proven to be true in your life and brings you all the joy you could ask for and the promise of joy to come, then GO FOR IT! Who am I to say you are wrong. Truth is truth and only YOU can interpret truth within your own microcosm. But before I close the topic, I have to make a shameless plug for "Satan's team" here. I want you to think twice about what you accomplish for your eternal soul, or the eternal soul of the woman you marry by placing yourself or allowing her to unknowingly place herself on this truth proving altar. Is God really asking us to do this? Does He need us to do it? Who does it benefit? Is it about eternal truth, or is this just collateral damage for a religion in transition? As for my mother's truth and its potential intersection with mine, only time will tell whether those truths will create acute or obtuse angles, or none at all.

Live Your Life and Don't Get Stomped by Giants

I have recently been corresponding with a young man who is going through a moment that I think bears some attention. I think there are some important lessons here for us all. He writes:

"My main struggle hasn't been my sexuality per se, but with falling in love with someone in the church who I believe is also gay but who is hell bent on trying not to be. This person prides himself on being my best friend but he's spent his whole life running from what's clearly inside him that he's just never able to let anyone really get close to him. We share an apartment together as well, and it's a minor miracle that he and I have gotten as close as we have. I'm really the only one he ever has been close with, until recently that is.

He met a girl who's 23 (he's 30 this month) this past September and he claims he's head over heels in love with her, so much so that they've set a wedding date. They're scheduled to be married in the spring of this year. I've been in agony over this, and I know I shouldn't but it's tough not to be. I really feel a connection with him and I know he does with me but he's so brainwashed by the church that he's determined to take this path. I'm at my wit's end. In the meantime, I have to "pretend" I'm ok with this. He wants me to be best man at the wedding (he has no idea of my feelings for him, although so many others who know of my sexuality say it's written all over my face, as are his feelings for me, which aren't nearly as overt). I just recently came out to him, hoping it would strike a chord in him and get him thinking about his own sexuality, but instead he posted on facebook the absolute next day that he was "definitely in love with Kim (who is his fianceé).

What advice would you give me? I feel like I may be losing him to his new wife because of the f*cking Mormon guilt trip that's placed on him. It's things like this that make me feel so bitter towards the church, and I don't want to feel that way. I have so many people who are Mormons that I care deeply about and turning on the church or having negative feelings towards it feels like I'm turning on them as well."

Because I have been recently moving, I wasn't able to respond for a couple of weeks. Recently I did respond asking him to catch me up on what was going on so I could send him my thoughts if he still wanted to confer. He added:

"The situation at hand hasn't changed that much except that his time away has increased more and more. During the time he is around, he has been more snappish and short with me for some reason for which I can't explain. When I have called him up on it, he tries to tell me that "it's how I'm receiving what he's saying and not how it's delivered" (a regurgitated, recycled Mormon saying that members use when they're called up on something that they can no longer substantiate, something I'm sure you're well aware of). When that doesn't work, he'll say he's just under stress with all the wedding plans. Whatever...

At one point he stated that his relationship was a gift from Heavenly Father and it took all of my will to not ask him why this relationship from God has him acting in a way that's not Christlike. Interesting irony, no?

What's more, my temple recommend expired this past July and I've made no efforts to get it renewed. Nor have I kept up with my tithing since then (finding out about how the church spends its tithing/offerings put a stop to that, for sure). The thing is, when he first asked me to be best man, he wanted me there for his sealing as well (why is it that I can't type "sealing" without rolling my eyes?) and I came clean as to my current temple status. He encouraged me to talk to the bishop and I haven't made plans yet to do so, although I will at some point. Either way I'm caught in between because I would like to be there at his important moment because I love him but I also don't want to be there to witness his sealing to someone else. I should be the one he's being betrothed to.

Interestingly enough, when I mentioned the sealing just this past weekend, he seemed more indifferent than before about my presence there, as if it would be no skin off his teeth if I wasn't there. I don't know if it's because he really feels that way or if it's because, knowing what he knows now, he doesn't think I'd ever get back into the temple and is just resigned to the fact that I won't be there."

I responded:

"This is a lot. I completely understand what you are feeling, but I have never been in this exact situation to be honest. I have had MANY friends get married to women, but never anyone that I was in love with-- I did know a guy who I had a crush on and he sort of admitted he was gay and it was hard for me to see him dating these insipid girls who were running around BYU, I wished he was dating me of course, but by the time he actually got married it was years later and I had gotten over my crush.

Here is the truth-- you can't stop him from doing this and if you try it will only make him push you away. I will tell you from experience that some of these guys do this and then realize what a mistake it was and end up getting divorced in less than 5 years. I have seen some go as long as 8, and I have seen some that are still going on today. Some seem to be succeeding greatly in the marriage, though to be honest its impossible to tell what is really going on in another person's marriage. A lot of guys in our situation need to do this for their own sense of "effort". If a gay guy is going to leave the church at some point, it is certainly more powerful to the haters to say-- 'I WAS MARRIED FOR X number of years and I know it was wrong for me. Don't tell me this and that because I tried it and it didn't work.' One of my closest friends (actually the guy who encouraged me to make my video blog) is just getting out of a pretty sticky divorce. He was married for about 3.5 years to a woman. So here's the thing. He knows on some level what you feel for him. He is going to have to push you away a little bit at least in order to make this marriage happen-- in order to "receive this gift from God" if you will. If you pit yourself against this marriage you will lose. You can't stand up against the pressure the the culture of mormonism and the guilt/fear rhetoric that we grew up in and expect to win. No matter how much he loves you back, he has to choose the church right now. If you decide to embrace this and be a supportive friend even though you think it is a mistake, then you both benefit. He gets to continue to have a gay friend that he can confide in, and if his marriage does dissolve or go under, you will be there to help him pick up the pieces. My friend needed a lot of help and comfort, and I was able to be there! I wasn't in love with my friend, so maybe you are saying it was probably easier for me to stand by him. The truth is he really separated himself from me during the year he got married. After he was settled into things he got back in touch with me. I would like to help you get through this, but you have a lot of choices, and none of them are easy!

Now the last thing I want to say is this-- we need to talk about YOU. Now I don't know to what extent, but you need to realize that continuing to focus yourself on him and his life does your life a disservice. If you can move forward on your own path (a much wiser one than your friend is taking in my opinion).. dating, exploring, etc. and searching for someone who is available and ready to love another man, then you will feel even more free to be there for your friend in his marriage. Let him do this-- he clearly craves this fight that he is drawing to himself. You will be happier if you move yourself forward and focus on what you can do to create the life you want. As much as you feel for him, there is a disconnect in loving someone who is not ready to love you back.. or someone who is unwilling to acknowledge their love for you in this case and is marrying someone else. DONT fall into the trap of basing your self-esteem or your attractiveness on whether or not he chooses you. That would literally be like saying-- Im going to let a giant stomp on me and I'll hate myself if he crushes me. Thats a self defeating behavior. Whatever you may want from this-- he is going to choose this marriage because HE NEEDS THIS MARRIAGE. Don't pit yourself against this desire of his because you will make yourself the loser in the situation. Let him do this-- be his friend-- and focus on YOUR LIFE and how you can start today to create the one you want. If you go to the temple or not-- set the intention today that you will start to move your own life forward. When we are living our life, we feel a lot less affected by the choices of others. Truly living has a powerful effect on the human spirit. We are not immune to the sticks and stones of the world, but we are certainly more prepared to let them bounce away harmlessly."

I would also like to add that it can be so easy for us-- those in and out of the church-- to start to feel bitterness toward the church. I believe that we are being marginalized as gay men and women in the church. While new statements saying "We honestly don't know why people are gay" have become more prevalent in talks and press releases from church leaders, the fact remains that we are not able to be fully embraced in the church as gay people if we are pursuing a same sex relationship, or even if we are legally and lawfully married to a same sex spouse. If we keep our sexuality and our feelings in check, we are at least allowed to sit at the back of the bus. Maybe that's enough. I don't think so. ALL THAT BEING SAID, we have to live our lives in a way that does not allow our frustration to turn to anger and our anger to bitterness. Of course we are frustrated! We are not the only ones who feel marginalized and ignored. People feel frustrated EVERY DAY by things in their lives. We always have the choice. Real power or fake power. Fake power to me: taking our frustration, embarrassment and fear and moulding it into a sword of anger and bitterness and then swinging wildly at anything in our path. Real power to me: taking our frustration, embarrassment and fear and feeling it-- sharing it in a spirit of love and compassion-- and releasing it to the Light when the time comes. Emotions pass through us to teach. If we hold onto them and use them as sources of power they stop teaching us and start infecting us. Be teachable and be then able to release when the time comes. Don't curse the dark room, light a candle.

I believe that the true balm to every ailment in this life is living our life happily. If we go after what we want in our short time on earth, we will always feel that we are engaged in something meaningful and authentic. What I want is not what you want. Only YOU can be the one to pursue authentic LIFE and LIVING.

Letters

2 days ago my mom sent me a review of Carol Lynn Pearson's book, "No More Goodbyes." It pointed out what the reviewer saw to be many inconsistencies, untruths, and misinformation. Since she read the entire book which was difficult for her (she found it to be very anti-mormon and "insidious"), she asked me to read this article though she thought it would be difficult for me. It was, but perhaps not in the way she assumed it would be.

After reading it, I felt very sad and demoralized. It was not because of what this lay reviewer had written, it was because my mom continues to pressure me after all the talks and letters we have shared. I feel like we have found a common ground and a mutual respect, and then out of nowhere she descends again to "help" me. I told her briefly how I felt and she asked in response to elaborate on my feeling demoralized and upset about her sending the review. This was my response:


" I almost don't want to tell you this, because I don't want you to feel bad or feel like you can't share things with me, but sometimes when you send me a letter about this issue, or for instance today when you sent me the review of this book, I just start to feel so hopeless, and I feel again like I wish I were dead. I don't entertain thoughts of actually killing myself, but I instantly start thinking-- maybe I should just start praying for death so I don't have to live in this life anymore which is clearly causing so much stress for my parents. Maybe I'm just not strong enough yet to face your disapproval of my life. I think I just value your feelings about me a lot (you are my mom!), so feeling like you just don't like what I'm doing and you don't seem to understand why I'm choosing to follow a more peaceful path for myself just makes me feel very demoralized and hopeless. I guess I just had this fantasy that if I came to peace with myself that you and dad would see that peace within me and say-- wow he is clearly more at peace in his life.. and that is what really matters. But your criteria is different-- it doesn't seem to matter at all that I prayed for death while I was in full fellowship-- while being worthy to enter into the literal presence of the Lord, in my quiet moments I hoped to die and felt disconnected from my own life on a deep level. It just wasn't my life and I don't know what else to say. I feel so much more engaged in my life now. I am where I feel at peace and happy and whole. Maybe you want me to stay in the church and continue to accept a broken reality for the rest of my life. But I don't want my whole life to be spent fighting that fight. I would rather fight other fights in my life-- fights that I connect with. The fight of being a celibate gay mormon, or the fight of being a gay mormon married to a beautiful woman are just not the things I want to fight for. I can select the battles I choose to fight in my life, but I can't really choose which battles I feel compelled and passionate to fight. I feel like I am just saying too much, but I also don't feel like I'm even scraping the surface.

I just want to have faith that I can help you understand me, if that is your wish.

When I start to think about death, I remember that everything in life is an invitation. When I begin to feel that invitation to die, I remember that I have made a commitment to myself to live out my life in full. Though we have been dealing with this for 10+ years already, I feel a lot of what I am feeling is very new. I know that the firmness of my current position must be difficult for you after the hundreds and hundreds of hours that you have spent counseling and praying on my behalf. I truly am sorry to disappoint you and make you feel uneasy about me. But Mom believe me when I say that I really do feel that I searched every corner of my own universe to try to find a way to make the Church work for me. I teetered back and forth and bounced back from the brink of apostacy to give it "just one more go" probably about 5 times. I really did everything I could for the first 30 years of my life to be a mormon. I don't regret those efforts. But I just couldn't make it work. I tried harder than many of the people I know.. I used my mind body and heart to try to find a way to be happy and fulfilled in the church. But it just did not happen. That seed just did not grow and blossom and flourish within me. I'm sorry about this, mostly for you who I feel has given so much to me, and also is so committed to the gospel. I know that the gospel is your life, so it must feel like a slap in the face for me to say that it is not my whole life.

I just really hope that you can love me with all your heart. I would like us to be close throughout our lives. I want you to know I honestly do respect you, even though I don't currently share 100% of your beliefs. I thank you for shaping me into a person who cares about others, and who has a soft and compassionate heart. Does any of this make any sense at all?"

Her response to this letter essentially that she didn't believe that I was happy as I am presenting myself. She reminded me of all the difficult times I had had in my year and a half relationship, and how I mentioned to her on occasion that I felt trapped in that relationship and again sometimes wished to die. (this wishing to die is a habit that I truly hope to bury). She then asked me if I wanted her perceptions of my life as it is now, and her view of my current choices. This was my response:

"I would love to discuss my life with you at some point, but with all due respect I don't feel right about having your feedback at this time. The truth of the matter is this, we all see what we want to see in life. My relationship with C presented me a new set of personal challenges that I never could have imagined. Perhaps I resorted back to some of my old hopeless and wishing for death feelings during moments of our relationship. But things are very different for me inside my body. They are safer and better, though still not perfect. But I know everyone that lives on earth whether they have the gospel or not is here to grow and face challenges. I feel like I have accomplished so much and become such a strong and wise person but somehow its of little value to you. (at least in compared to what you seem to want me to be) I know you love me and that you mean well, but I think you need to learn to celebrate who I am now. There is a lot of good about me and that is what I'd like you to focus on for now-- at least in front of me. Self improvement in this life never ends, and I depend on the observations of others to help me, but I think I am going to turn this role over to Don, Craig, Constantine and a few others. I think you want to see me as unhappy so you can validate your idea that I need to be in the church to be happy. Maybe that's you but its not me mom.

I want to trust you.. but I get nervous inside when I see an email from you in my inbox. That seems silly because 99% of your emails are just a quick question or a hello and family info that I love to hear. But that 1% when I feel that my hard earned values and the happy authentic full life I am trying to create (not perfectly sometimes) is under siege, I just have to take cover from you. I don't want that kind of relationship with you! I don't want to worry what is coming next from you. I want to hear from you often and just know that you are going to love me for exactly what I am. Im almost 31 mom. This is my life right now. I want your love, your friendship and as much support for me as you can muster. I need you to appreciate all that I am and not focus on what I have not yet accomplished. I know this question of religion is everything to you, so this will be a challenge. But I really have faith that you can do this. We have so few real allies in this life. I need you to be an ally-- a protector. I need it today. I hope you can understand what I am asking and why.

In conclusion I just want to reiterate-- I love you. I trust that you love me. I want our relationship to be one of unconditional love. I need you to celebrate what I am. I need you to learn to be happy for me. I need you to ask yourself.. what does Clark want. What are Clark's hopes and fears.. how can I be an ally to Clark on his journey. This is how I want to be treated by you. Will you do it?"

Going Deeper with My Newly Empowered Mother

All my life my mother has been exemplar. She has always been and continues to be a living example of Christ-like attributes and Relief Society praiseworthy charity. I have always found her to be a very inspiring figure in the garden of my life. When I came out to my parents during the summer of 1995, my mother, though confused and visibly shaken, quickly became one of my greatest allies in my battle with homosexuality. She seemed to accept my situation as very real, and never treated me in a way that made me feel like a lesser member of our family because of my issues.

As the years passed, years on my mission, years in college, and now years since college, she has always remained open and accepting... sort of. There was always a lingering pressure present in our relationship. There was a pressure to stay close to the church at all costs. As long as I did that; as long as I was the kind of gay mormon that she would be if she were a gay mormon, I would know without a doubt that she stood beside me through thick and thin.

My mom always felt very strongly that I would be released from the trial of homosexuality. Every time she mentioned this idea, I would respond with something like, mom-- what about all the other men who struggle with this? They are not being released from this, why would you think that I will be? She would always say, I don't know why I feel this way, and I don't know about all the other men who struggle with this, I just feel very clearly that you will suffer for a season with this, and then be released and allowed to move on with your life. I never really felt this way about homosexuality. Even when I felt the worst about myself as a person for being gay, I never thought it was something that the Lord would take away. Maybe I never really believed that the Lord "made" me this way. I don't know now what I thought all the time-- to be honest I don't know what I think NOW all the time, so its hazy looking back. (Isn't it always?)

To be completely fair and impartial (and I'm trying as hard as I can believe it or not), there were times when I felt like the Lord would indeed remove this "curse" of homosexuality from me. But it never really came about. Or maybe the Lord was prepared to remove the "curse" of homosexuality in a different way than I could have envisioned from where I stood in that moment. But that's actually another story.

So back to my mom. In the fall of 2006, I booked a job near our home, and it was a great opportunity for me to work and live at home for about 6 weeks. At the time, I was nearing the 1 year mark in my relationship with my boyfriend, who is also an actor. Any time either of us is away with a show, we always make a point to visit at least once every 3-4 weeks, and of course see the show that the other is in. This was a production of West Side Story, and since I would be doing it for 6 weeks, of course we would have a visit sometime while I was home. I went to my mom very openly and said-- how do you feel about my boyfriend coming to stay here for 2 nights while I am home? I promised her that we would not engage in any sexual activity in her home, and suggested that this might be a great way to include my boyfriend more into our family, since that is something I OF COURSE want. My brothers have brought girlfriends to family functions for years, even non-member ones, and all have been accepted and even embraced by my family and most of all by my mother. She said she would talk to my dad about this, and that maybe we should all sit down and discuss it so as to have a meeting of minds. After this conversation, it became clear to me that it made my mom really uncomfortable to even consider this, and out of respect for her and her home, I just decided to drop it and I got a hotel room for my boyfriend and I so we could fornicate in peace.

Now there is one more thing you should know about my mom and me. All through my life I have carefully observed the way my mom treated herself and others. My mom always put others before herself-- in a way that is both unselfish and sometimes pathological. I think sometimes my mom sacrificed her own well being in order to please others. As a result, I had a mom who gave a lot to others, but I also had a mother who had a lot of sadness and grief and fear just below the surface-- deep enough to hide from some, but not nearly deep enough to hide from a child who was watching and trying to emulate her every thought and action. My mom was the kind of person that would do something wrong for herself if it was something another person wanted. Of course this had limits-- big ones. My mom would never jeopardize anyone's safety and would never ever give in to anything that wasn't righteous. So she would allow herself to be walked on as long as it wasn't breaking any shadow of a commandment. If the women in the relief society hadn't finished something and they called my mom to bail them out, she would do it even if she was in labor and had 4 nagging children on her coattails. She would run herself ragged a lot of the time in order to "do her duty." As I got older, as I became less codependent through therapy and information (many helpful books), I would pass them along to my mother and encourage her to become a more empowered and a more happy individual. I would explain that her vitality is often diminished by her treatment of herself, and that in order to be of true service, one must have a full cup-- one must be on higher ground in order to assist others in an authentic symbiotic way. Otherwise someone may be feeding on another's generosity and/or weakness.

Cut to 1 week ago just before I left after a lovely holiday with my family, wherein we welcomed our first niece/granddaughter into our family. The day before leaving town, my mom took me to lunch and a movie. We love seeing movies together and we had a really great time together, as we always do. On the drive home I just frankly said "Mom, how are things going to work with me and the family. Someday I am hopefully going to have a husband and children, but before that happens I am definitely going to have boyfriends that I want to include in our wonderful family." I explained to her that my brothers were able to bring girlfriends to family functions and holidays, and that I wanted the same treatment as my brothers-- I did not want to face discrimination in my own family if possible. I told her that I thought it would be a double standard to allow them to invite someone but not me. (and just FYI my oldest brother had a girlfriend of 4 years and he is not active in the church, so my parents were aware that he was not upholding the law of chastity and they still embraced his girlfriend as one of their own.) I then asked my mom if I was being too confrontational. She said not at all, that she was happy that I was bringing it up. Then she said-- Clark, for years you have encouraged me to do what is right for me, even if it denies someone else what they want. When you wanted to invite your boyfriend home a year ago, I agonized over it. I really wanted to find a way to accept him into my home, but I could not find a way to feel good about it. After I tried and tried, but could not come to terms, I considered just telling you to invite him against my own feelings. Then I realized that this is MY HOME. I have worked for years to build this home, and I refuse to feel uncomfortable in my own home. I'm not sure I will always feel this way. But right now I just don't want it. Maybe in a year I will change my mind. Don't hesitate to ask me again-- maybe I will be able to work out in my mind and heart a way to accept this-- but for now, the answer is no.

This was the most blunt I think my mom has ever been with me about the intersection of our lives. On one hand I was so disappointed to think that I would not be able to be part of our family the way I want to. But any feelings of disappointment I had were overshadowed by feelings of happiness for my mom and the direction her journey has taken. I am so happy to see a person now who is taking her own feelings into consideration and not just doing what others want.. even if I am the one who loses something I want.. I still embrace this change whole-heartedly. The other residual effect which has been slowly coming over me is a feeling of freedom and independence that up to now had eluded me. The last thing my mom said to me during our conversation was this: You are doing what you feel is best for you in your life-- I am going to do what I feel is best for me in mine. At first glance this seems like something which could create distance between us. Maybe it will. But maybe it will be a real starting point for our family to become something even greater than it is today.