I'll cross the stream, I have a dream

I recently started a new job. I just joined a national tour production, and will be working out on the road for the whole summer. In spite of the fact that I have to be away from my man, I actually enjoy touring. I love being in a new city and getting a chance to explore my external and internal worlds anew. The other thing I LOVE about traveling for work is that it affords me the opportunity to run into people I have not seen in many years. The show has been in San Francisco for the last 2 weeks, which is where my boyfriend's family lives. So not only have I spent the last 2 weeks living in his family's house, I have done so with his wonderful little brother, who has been such a joy to get to know! In addition, I have met aunts, cousins, family friends and many others connected to him and his family. It's been AMAZING. Beyond that, I saw a friend from BYU who is also a gay mormon, but who transitioned out of the church pretty much at the same time that he came out. It was wonderful to catch up with him! Over the next few months I will be seeing a lot of family and friends-- I'm even spending 2 weeks in Salt Lake City which is one of my favorite places. But I am getting away from my main reason for writing this post.

One of the biggest surprises of this trip to San Francisco was that it happened to coincide with a trip that my mother and my beloved aunt were also taking to San Francisco. One of my cousins is moving from the area, so "the moms" are coming to help her, and they have been here all weekend. Now I am never one to ask or even tacitly expect people to see the shows I am in. I figure if people are interested they will come. I never feel offended if people aren't into it, because lets face it not everyone likes musicals! But my family has seen almost all of my shows, and they have often traveled specifically to do so. Well, because my show is going to salt lake near my aunt's house, and then dallas which is pretty close to where my mom lives, they were not planning to see the show this weekend. But they surprised me and decided to come last night-- very spontaneously. After the show, my mom was SO ENTHUSIASTIC! She always likes the shows I do, but this one she LOVED. She is never one to be overly "proud" of me because all pride is bad according to that ezra taft benson talk, so its almost like she can't really be that mom who is proud that her son is doing something that a lot of people would find interesting and impressive. But last night she seemed so thrilled and dare I say it.. proud! It felt really awesome.

This morning I woke up and realized that I had had a dream about my mom. In the dream we were on a beach and we were just together communicating about all that has passed between us (I'm sure anyone who has read this has read her letter to me that was written in January). In the dream, she just said-- we are going to put all this behind us now and just LOVE. I woke up feeling so healed from any enmity that has developed between us. I felt so full of happiness.

Tonight I had dinner with my mom, my aunt, my cousin, and my boyfriend's brother. It was so great. Everyone embraced the new brother and truly welcomed him. At one point I had a few moments alone with my mom and I told her about my dream. She said that maybe it was how proud and happy she had been about my show-- that maybe that had been cathartic for me on some level. We weren't able to go any further than that. I don't really have any huge realization or thesis to share. I just thought it was a meaningful day-- a meaningful step in our journey of love. Feeling that close to her again, even in the dream made me understand that I can still set intentions for my relationship with her that are that specific and that wonderful. I don't have to hold back. I can always go to that place in my mind and feel her love and acceptance, even if she is not 100% ready now to give it. Maybe she never will! That is the beauty of agency though. God doesn't take away her agency, but He also doesn't deprive me of the healing that I have sought. I'm so grateful that I was able to have that healing experience because it has empowered me to show more love to my mom, which I think is what God would have me do.

Indoctrination

With this raid of the Texas polygamist compound all over the news lately, and with the outcome of the 400+ children who were taken into child protective services's custody being largely determined today in court, I have felt my latent fascination with polygamy re-sprouting. About 3 years ago I read every book on polygamy I could get my hands on. I had just visited Nauvoo for the first time since I was a young teenager, and suddenly this concept and the controversy that accompanies it became objects of great interest to me. Because many of the Nauvoo historical sites were left to Emma Smith, or rather because she chose to remain in Nauvoo instead of following Brigham Young and the saints to the west, these sites are largely properties of the Community of Christ church- once the Reorganized LDS church. Interestingly enough, there were many books on polygamy in the visitors center there. I found this interesting because on my tour of these sites the elderly brother who took us through told me in no uncertain terms that he did not believe Joseph Smith was a polygamist. He said that their church held the firm belief that Brigham Young had started polygamy, and had unsuccessfully attempted to convince Joseph Smith to follow his example and officially introduce polygamy into church policy. Consequently, there were many books on the shelf in that visitors center which attempted to present testimony and facts that decry the myth of Joseph Smith being a polygamist. The Community of Christ has preserved the Joseph Smith line as the prophetic dynasty that is called to lead the true church. They follow the bible, the book of mormon and the other canonized scriptures that the LDS church uses. Of greater interest to me is that in the early 1990s women were given the priesthood in the Community of Christ. They are given it by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority the same way that the LDS are given the priesthood. They baptize, preach, administer ordinances, and even lead congregations. In fact, the line of Joseph Smith turned to a critical point in the early 90s when a male prophet could not be found. The person in line was a female, and so she became a prophet. Pretty progressive for a mormon, right? I had not heard this in all my life as a mormon, and I was duly impressed as a part-time feminist. I asked my mom about this and she looked on it with the appropriate degree of disdain. She believes women cannot rightfully hold priesthood of any kind, but she wasn't mad at them because like true LDS believers she must see the Community of Christ as just another vain attempt to access the true authority to save. The fact that they have Joseph and Emma at their root makes them no closer to truth. Because truth is all or nothing. Isn't it?

Of course the FLDS church has its own difficult story. Men choosing to believe that the LDS prophet Wilford Woodruff "sold out" in 1890 by receiving or claiming to receive a revelation about the end of polygamous practice-- or "the principle" as it was commonly referred to, broke off into many and various factions which have survived if not flourished since that day. Now I have read many books about polygamy. There are so many I have not read, but one interesting book I read while still at BYU was this book I found for a dollar at Savers called "More than One." It was all about how even though the current LDS church does not practice polygamy, and in many ways has tried to PR as much distance from the issue and their history as they can, this author shares that this is still very much a mormon principle, and shares letters and journal entries from many women who were involved in polygamy from the mid 1830s-1900. I found this book very moving as an LDS believer (which I very much was at the time). I found myself touched yet perplexed as to why the church would distance themselves from polygamy the way they have, while still allowing men to seal themselves to more than one woman in temple ceremonies in cases of death of a wife or even in cases of lawful divorces that do not go through the process of breaking the temple seal. I was especially confused and quite upset when in the July 2005 Ensign there was a beautiful article about the life of Bathsheba W. Smith, wife of George A. Smith. If you read the article from start to finish, it would appear that Bathsheba was an only wife of a prophet, much like a Marjorie Hinkley was in 2005. What the article omits, is that Bathsheba was very passionate about living "the principle", that she shared her husband with several other wives, and did so in great faith and diligence. In her journal entries, she talks about how firmly and plainly she believes and follows the practice of polygamy as a divine gift given to the world. The Ensign article pulled a lot of quotes from her journal and writings, but omitted anything regarding polygamy. They had to do some creative editing in order to accomplish this. So many of her entries talk about living the principle, even encouraging her husband to follow it to a greater degree! To me, it clearly was one of the vital tenets of her faith in the restored gospel. Yet here in this article which is meant represent the greatness of her life and her faith, no whisper of polygamy is present. If this principle is still important to our theology, why are we ashamed of it? Could it be that we are afraid of scaring off potential converts by embracing our past involvement in the practice, and also owning that we still believe that the principle is an important part of eternal salvation?

The problem with the situation in Texas is this: even though surely these are mostly wonderful mothers with the best intentions, the truth of the matter is that they have been indoctrinated to believe that it is holy and spiritually purposeful to marry of their young women as young as is desired by the men in power. The young girls have been taught that the greatest blessing of their lives is to bear these children, even as children themselves. They have no compass by which to decide that this is abuse of power, that this is abuse of children. Adolph Hitler, one of the most successful indoctrinators in modern history said that,

"The great masses of the people...
will more easily fall victims to
a big lie than to a small one."

Indoctrination is an interesting thing. As LDS people we too have been indoctrinated, but not nearly on this scale. However, we do believe that we must do and be certain things in order to be acceptable and worthy before God. We must perform certain acts willingly if we want to be saved. Even our thoughts and feelings have been infiltrated and are to an extent monitored. We have been taught to sometimes shun common sense and other "of the world" views to uphold what we have agreed to believe to be the "only true and living church on the face of the earth." We've covenanted before God and angels to uphold these teachings, and prior to 1990 we even made signs concerning physical punishments associated with failing to comply. Indoctrination and mind control is actually principle of most religions, at least the ones who are powerful and successful. And make no mistake, Mormonism is powerful. Mormonism is successful. So are many other faiths. What would happen if somehow a megalomaniac like Warren Jeffs were to become our prophet. We are not at such a risk to this because we are not subject to dynastic considerations when choosing leaders, but nevertheless: what would the prophet convince you to do? Would you, like a suicide bomber, go to eternal glory by blowing up an enemy to the church? Would you take a 14-year old wife? Would you send away your son because there are too many men for each follower in the community to have the requisite 3 wives needed to get to heaven? How far would your religious training and beliefs take you? Would you reject your child because they told you that they could not follow the religion you taught them? What are you willing to give up to follow what you have been taught and what you have chosen to believe?

The quote that I read which inspired me to write this post was spoken by Flora Jessop, a woman who escaped from a polygamist compound and now is an activist in saving other women. Having been taught that the polygamist world where she was raised and reared was a literal heaven on earth, she said after leaving that, "The pain got so bad in heaven that I was willing to damn myself to hell to escape it."

Flora Jessop now knows that she is not going to hell for leaving the FLDS community and refusing to follow its principles. I understand Flora's statement though. As I started making my way out of mormonism, I truly believed that I might be making a choice to go to the Telestial kingdom. I have heard many ex-mormons who have been out of the church for YEARS saying the same thing: they are going to the Telestial kingdom but they would rather that then have to live their lives in the church. To me that is powerful.

I would like to say that I, as a human being, was not flourishing in the LDS church. There were moments of true connectedness and wonderful experiences in the church, but overall I felt like my soul was being slowly stripped of any ability to FEEL. For years I tried to tell myself that it was my own wickedness and unworthiness that made me unable to fully connect to my life as a mormon. There was also enough about the church that I loved which allowed me to distract myself from the fact that I was losing my soul not saving it. I believe that now I have a fair attempt at life because I have left the indoctrinated world and choose to see the world with my own eyes, and feel through my own rescued soul.

Leaving the church is not actually the full answer though. Authorities in Texas know that just taking these women and children out of that environment is the very beginning of trying to give them a chance at life. Just getting out without further work can leave a person shattered and alone, with no foundation for finding meaning in the rest of his/her life. Many who are removed from polygamist communities find their way back into the safety of their childhood indoctrination, finding nothing but hopelessness and pain on the other side. The road out of indoctrination will be long and extremely difficult for anyone who endeavors to tread it uncertain pathways. But the bright shining truth of humanity is that a soul never dies. No matter how beaten down we feel, there is always a way to heal, improve, and fully live life. That is the great blessing of life, and also its great hope.

I was tagged!

MoHoHawaii just tagged me with a very fun game.. go here to read about it.

http://mohohawaii.blogspot.com/

1. Pick up the nearest book (at least 123 pages).
2. Turn to page 123.
3. Find the 5th sentence
4. Post the 5th sentence on your blog.
5. Tag 5 people.

Here is mine from Austen's Pride and Prejudice (I am a deeply rooted homo as you can see):

"A promise of secrecy was of course very dutifully given, but it could not be kept without difficulty; for the curiosity excited by his long absence burst forth in such very direct questions on his return, as required some ingenuity to evade, and he was at the same time exercising great self-denial, for he was longing to publish his prosperous love."

Fun. You too can be gay... do you know who the passage is referring to??
I wish I knew who to tag... OK Ill tag Parallel, Elbow, Abelard, Chris, and Vanson.
(Im not even sure they will see this lol but I want to fully comply with the game!!)
Thanks for including me MoHo. xoxo

Your Friendly Neighborhood Gay Mormon

Unfortunate metaphorical rodents of unusual size

I have for some time really deliberated on whether or not I am going to post the most recent letter from my mom. It is very personal, but honestly after some consideration (about 2 weeks worth) I have decided that it may be important for people in this community to see this letter. I would say having your family disown you is the bottom line of coming out and telling your family you don't want to be celibate therefore in the church anymore. This is by far not the bottom line, but I think it's worth reading. This is my mom's letter to me:


Clark,

You have asked me if I can do something. This is what you have said to me:

“I need you to ask yourself.. what does Clark want. What are
Clark’s hopes and fears.. How can I be an ally to Clark on his journey.
This is how I want to be treated by you. Will you do it?”

I have been pondering and thinking, reading and questioning. I have been influenced a great deal by a book I am reading called, The Death of the Grown-up, How America’s Arrested Development is Bringing Down Western Civilization. It is not a church book, and it is not written by a church member, but it is illuminating. Very.

As I have been reading and as I have been deliberating about my feelings about Christmas this year, I have come to some realizations for myself, about my life, what I want, and what I feel, and what I can no longer stand to live with. I actually feel like I have two choices, I can leave this planet, or I can stay and create the kind of life I want for myself and my home.

You may not know this but I have made huge personal concessions to be able to accommodate the people that some of my children have become. I have tried to stay fully invested though, and I have always found that the rewards for my relationship with you have been plentiful. You have always been kind, supportive, caring, respectful, grateful, dependable, independent, and your life has provided us with some very fun and enjoyable experiences. But even with you and me there has been a shift. I don’t think it was intentional. I don’t think I am the cause of it though. I feel that I have remained the same and that you are the one that has changed. Maybe you feel good about that change. Maybe it was the “YOU” that has been waiting so long to come out.

I see that you have chosen a path for yourself. That is perfectly viable. You are so free to do that without any conditions on my part. You are, as you say, 31, well almost.
You call this your “Peaceful Path.” I hope that it is peaceful for you. And I understand that anyone that is creating a peaceful path for themselves will do everything that they can to protect that “peacefulness.” Of course. But in your effort to protect that peacefulness, I have been given some very clear messages from you. Last September on the way to the airport, you told me clearly that I was not to be your God, or your conscience. Now you tell me that I am not to be your confidant, as you will be taking your problems to your peer group, who I guess understand you better and who I am sure will totally support your ideas. That will continue to maintain your peace. So what is left for me in my relationship to you. Oh yes, MOM. But wait, MOM is a parent, and parents have responsibilities, even to their adult children. When I think of the ideal parent I think of our Heavenly Father and I know that He is not only perfect in his parenting, but also that He loves us unconditionally. I think we understand unconditional love differently. He loves us unconditionally, but He will let “no unclean thing into his presence.” What kind of love is that? He loves us unconditionally, but He is the one who caused the flood that completely cleansed the earth from all wickedness. He will be the one that burns the wicked with fire when it consumes the whole earth.. Wow, what kind of unconditional love is that?

I think your kind of unconditional love means not saying what I think because it will hurt you, not being who I am and standing up for what I absolutely and unshakably know is correct, and not allowing those who are as you say you are “in apostasy” to tell me what to say or when to say it. I am under a personal command from my Heavenly Father to “Be courageous. Be ready and willing always to accept the challenges in membership in thy Father’s kingdom in testimony and thy reward shall be joy and exaltation in thy Father’s kingdom.” Never in all my imaginings about my own family did I think that I would ever need that courage with my own children. Life is interesting.

If you don’t like what I have to say, if you wince when you see an email from me, if you are afraid of the truth because it causes you to tremble under the consciousness of your own guilt, I cannot help that. We can either have a true relationship or a very shallow one, and I feel us moving quickly in that direction, but I refuse to give anyone permission to tell me what I can say and when.

I love you Clark, but I have to tell you that so many people have commented to me about how dark your countenance was this Christmas. They have told me that you have lost the light in your face, the sparkle in your eyes. They say that you are still the same sweet, kind person but that magnetism, that charm, those gifts that you held as long as you were trying to live the gospel are gone. It makes me want to weep. But I have learned an interesting thing from it, if a person is trying to live the gospel and failing pretty badly, the Spirit stays with me and continues to bless them. The Lord is very merciful with our weakness and our failings. It is not until one turns oneself over completely to the adversary and begin to work in behalf of his kingdom, tell many that this is not the Savior’s church, and you don’t have to live it, that the Spirit finally departs.. Oh how Satan must be rejoicing over you. Stripped of your best spiritual gifts and the ability to bring people to the Savior, you are now an enemy to the Savior’s church. You are now an unmissioanry, telling your gay friends, “Don’t feel bad if you leave the church, it’s not the Lord’s church anyway.”

This is the Savior’s church, His ONLY church on earth. Take one member away from it and you have moved from the right side to the wrong side and there is only one leader of the wrong side. Only one.

Now I have said what I want to say. I will continue to say it as often as I want. I will continue to be who I am, namely about the best MOM on the planet earth because I am willing to hurt with truth one of the dearest, sweetest, smartest, and most valiant lost spirits that I have ever known in my ENTIRE life.

I think I know your hopes and fears. I would love to be an ally on your journey, but I cannot support false ideas, lies, and open rebellion to the Lord’s church. That would not be an ally as I see it. I would be the worst friend you ever had. Some day I hope you will be able to thank me for standing steadfast and immovable when it was one the hardest, most wrenching choices I’ve ever had to make. That is true love. That is the greatest love of all."

Well that's the letter folks. I don't really know what to say after 2 weeks with this letter. At this point I feel as if there is really nothing left to say to my mom on this matter. We are speaking at our normal frequency (about once a week) but we are not talking about this issue currently. I have just decided to shelf this for the time being and move forward with our relationship in ways that does not involve this topic. She has likewise not moved to reintroduce the topic. I think the most difficult thing for me to stomach about this letter is that my mom thinks that my feeling bad when I get this kind of letter from her has to do with my "guilty conscience"! I wish I could explain to her in a way that she could understand that my conscience is 100% at peace-- I just feel bad because I feel like on a really basic level my own mother is rejecting my authentic journey on this earth, and is thereby rejecting a piece of me. ONE of the other things that bothers me is that I TRULY feel like if I had just gone on the way I was for the past 5-6 years before I got a boyfriend: which was me going to church every sunday and trying as hard as I could to be chaste but having a random encounter with some guy every 2-3 months and then suicidally agonizing over my failure to "measure up", I TRULY feel like as far as everyone was concerned I would still have that "light" about me and would not be "darkened" as so many people in the ward apparently noticed. I wonder if them noticing this darkness has anything to do with the fact that they all know I have a boyfriend lol. The force is strong within you young one. Self-fulfilling prophesy much? Anyway, I am not trying to be nasty. I'm just venting now.

The point of me posting this letter is manifold. First of all, I think this is a common response from LDS parents. My mom particularly appeared to be very accepting of my homosexuality as long as I stayed in the church. The cost of staying in the church to me emotionally and I STRESS spiritually did not seem to matter much to her. I know I am probably sounding like a broken record, but I am sick of being used as a lab rat on the gospel proving ground-- a hamster on a wheel. I feel as if my mom wanted me to stay in the church and be a perfect gay mormon so that she could have validation for the veracity of the gospel and the LDS church. IE if clark is willing to go against who he is sexually, emotionally, and yes even spiritually for the faith that I have instilled in him, then not only is the church proven to be true-- I also also proven to be a faithful administrator of this truth-- AKA a good mother. This gay thing is so powerful, everyone agrees on that. If we can get these gay people to put themselves on the altar, and also get young women who are willing to marry them to do the same, then we will have solved this pesky "gay problem" that most religious faiths are currently facing. The mormon church will officially corner the market on corporate truth. Who can argue? You changed gay people!! YOU MUST BE THE TRUE CHRUCH. Where do I sign up for this miracle??

I am back to what I have always believed. Truth needs no buttress. Truth is truth. It stands regardless of who stands for or against it. We don't need lab rats to prove the gospel works or doesn't work. We don't need hamsters running on their wheel for their entire lives to validate our goodness as parents or children. If the gospel works for you-- I TRULY CELEBRATE YOU! I truly celebrate your journey. If the gospel has proven to be true in your life and brings you all the joy you could ask for and the promise of joy to come, then GO FOR IT! Who am I to say you are wrong. Truth is truth and only YOU can interpret truth within your own microcosm. But before I close the topic, I have to make a shameless plug for "Satan's team" here. I want you to think twice about what you accomplish for your eternal soul, or the eternal soul of the woman you marry by placing yourself or allowing her to unknowingly place herself on this truth proving altar. Is God really asking us to do this? Does He need us to do it? Who does it benefit? Is it about eternal truth, or is this just collateral damage for a religion in transition? As for my mother's truth and its potential intersection with mine, only time will tell whether those truths will create acute or obtuse angles, or none at all.

Live Your Life and Don't Get Stomped by Giants

I have recently been corresponding with a young man who is going through a moment that I think bears some attention. I think there are some important lessons here for us all. He writes:

"My main struggle hasn't been my sexuality per se, but with falling in love with someone in the church who I believe is also gay but who is hell bent on trying not to be. This person prides himself on being my best friend but he's spent his whole life running from what's clearly inside him that he's just never able to let anyone really get close to him. We share an apartment together as well, and it's a minor miracle that he and I have gotten as close as we have. I'm really the only one he ever has been close with, until recently that is.

He met a girl who's 23 (he's 30 this month) this past September and he claims he's head over heels in love with her, so much so that they've set a wedding date. They're scheduled to be married in the spring of this year. I've been in agony over this, and I know I shouldn't but it's tough not to be. I really feel a connection with him and I know he does with me but he's so brainwashed by the church that he's determined to take this path. I'm at my wit's end. In the meantime, I have to "pretend" I'm ok with this. He wants me to be best man at the wedding (he has no idea of my feelings for him, although so many others who know of my sexuality say it's written all over my face, as are his feelings for me, which aren't nearly as overt). I just recently came out to him, hoping it would strike a chord in him and get him thinking about his own sexuality, but instead he posted on facebook the absolute next day that he was "definitely in love with Kim (who is his fianceé).

What advice would you give me? I feel like I may be losing him to his new wife because of the f*cking Mormon guilt trip that's placed on him. It's things like this that make me feel so bitter towards the church, and I don't want to feel that way. I have so many people who are Mormons that I care deeply about and turning on the church or having negative feelings towards it feels like I'm turning on them as well."

Because I have been recently moving, I wasn't able to respond for a couple of weeks. Recently I did respond asking him to catch me up on what was going on so I could send him my thoughts if he still wanted to confer. He added:

"The situation at hand hasn't changed that much except that his time away has increased more and more. During the time he is around, he has been more snappish and short with me for some reason for which I can't explain. When I have called him up on it, he tries to tell me that "it's how I'm receiving what he's saying and not how it's delivered" (a regurgitated, recycled Mormon saying that members use when they're called up on something that they can no longer substantiate, something I'm sure you're well aware of). When that doesn't work, he'll say he's just under stress with all the wedding plans. Whatever...

At one point he stated that his relationship was a gift from Heavenly Father and it took all of my will to not ask him why this relationship from God has him acting in a way that's not Christlike. Interesting irony, no?

What's more, my temple recommend expired this past July and I've made no efforts to get it renewed. Nor have I kept up with my tithing since then (finding out about how the church spends its tithing/offerings put a stop to that, for sure). The thing is, when he first asked me to be best man, he wanted me there for his sealing as well (why is it that I can't type "sealing" without rolling my eyes?) and I came clean as to my current temple status. He encouraged me to talk to the bishop and I haven't made plans yet to do so, although I will at some point. Either way I'm caught in between because I would like to be there at his important moment because I love him but I also don't want to be there to witness his sealing to someone else. I should be the one he's being betrothed to.

Interestingly enough, when I mentioned the sealing just this past weekend, he seemed more indifferent than before about my presence there, as if it would be no skin off his teeth if I wasn't there. I don't know if it's because he really feels that way or if it's because, knowing what he knows now, he doesn't think I'd ever get back into the temple and is just resigned to the fact that I won't be there."

I responded:

"This is a lot. I completely understand what you are feeling, but I have never been in this exact situation to be honest. I have had MANY friends get married to women, but never anyone that I was in love with-- I did know a guy who I had a crush on and he sort of admitted he was gay and it was hard for me to see him dating these insipid girls who were running around BYU, I wished he was dating me of course, but by the time he actually got married it was years later and I had gotten over my crush.

Here is the truth-- you can't stop him from doing this and if you try it will only make him push you away. I will tell you from experience that some of these guys do this and then realize what a mistake it was and end up getting divorced in less than 5 years. I have seen some go as long as 8, and I have seen some that are still going on today. Some seem to be succeeding greatly in the marriage, though to be honest its impossible to tell what is really going on in another person's marriage. A lot of guys in our situation need to do this for their own sense of "effort". If a gay guy is going to leave the church at some point, it is certainly more powerful to the haters to say-- 'I WAS MARRIED FOR X number of years and I know it was wrong for me. Don't tell me this and that because I tried it and it didn't work.' One of my closest friends (actually the guy who encouraged me to make my video blog) is just getting out of a pretty sticky divorce. He was married for about 3.5 years to a woman. So here's the thing. He knows on some level what you feel for him. He is going to have to push you away a little bit at least in order to make this marriage happen-- in order to "receive this gift from God" if you will. If you pit yourself against this marriage you will lose. You can't stand up against the pressure the the culture of mormonism and the guilt/fear rhetoric that we grew up in and expect to win. No matter how much he loves you back, he has to choose the church right now. If you decide to embrace this and be a supportive friend even though you think it is a mistake, then you both benefit. He gets to continue to have a gay friend that he can confide in, and if his marriage does dissolve or go under, you will be there to help him pick up the pieces. My friend needed a lot of help and comfort, and I was able to be there! I wasn't in love with my friend, so maybe you are saying it was probably easier for me to stand by him. The truth is he really separated himself from me during the year he got married. After he was settled into things he got back in touch with me. I would like to help you get through this, but you have a lot of choices, and none of them are easy!

Now the last thing I want to say is this-- we need to talk about YOU. Now I don't know to what extent, but you need to realize that continuing to focus yourself on him and his life does your life a disservice. If you can move forward on your own path (a much wiser one than your friend is taking in my opinion).. dating, exploring, etc. and searching for someone who is available and ready to love another man, then you will feel even more free to be there for your friend in his marriage. Let him do this-- he clearly craves this fight that he is drawing to himself. You will be happier if you move yourself forward and focus on what you can do to create the life you want. As much as you feel for him, there is a disconnect in loving someone who is not ready to love you back.. or someone who is unwilling to acknowledge their love for you in this case and is marrying someone else. DONT fall into the trap of basing your self-esteem or your attractiveness on whether or not he chooses you. That would literally be like saying-- Im going to let a giant stomp on me and I'll hate myself if he crushes me. Thats a self defeating behavior. Whatever you may want from this-- he is going to choose this marriage because HE NEEDS THIS MARRIAGE. Don't pit yourself against this desire of his because you will make yourself the loser in the situation. Let him do this-- be his friend-- and focus on YOUR LIFE and how you can start today to create the one you want. If you go to the temple or not-- set the intention today that you will start to move your own life forward. When we are living our life, we feel a lot less affected by the choices of others. Truly living has a powerful effect on the human spirit. We are not immune to the sticks and stones of the world, but we are certainly more prepared to let them bounce away harmlessly."

I would also like to add that it can be so easy for us-- those in and out of the church-- to start to feel bitterness toward the church. I believe that we are being marginalized as gay men and women in the church. While new statements saying "We honestly don't know why people are gay" have become more prevalent in talks and press releases from church leaders, the fact remains that we are not able to be fully embraced in the church as gay people if we are pursuing a same sex relationship, or even if we are legally and lawfully married to a same sex spouse. If we keep our sexuality and our feelings in check, we are at least allowed to sit at the back of the bus. Maybe that's enough. I don't think so. ALL THAT BEING SAID, we have to live our lives in a way that does not allow our frustration to turn to anger and our anger to bitterness. Of course we are frustrated! We are not the only ones who feel marginalized and ignored. People feel frustrated EVERY DAY by things in their lives. We always have the choice. Real power or fake power. Fake power to me: taking our frustration, embarrassment and fear and moulding it into a sword of anger and bitterness and then swinging wildly at anything in our path. Real power to me: taking our frustration, embarrassment and fear and feeling it-- sharing it in a spirit of love and compassion-- and releasing it to the Light when the time comes. Emotions pass through us to teach. If we hold onto them and use them as sources of power they stop teaching us and start infecting us. Be teachable and be then able to release when the time comes. Don't curse the dark room, light a candle.

I believe that the true balm to every ailment in this life is living our life happily. If we go after what we want in our short time on earth, we will always feel that we are engaged in something meaningful and authentic. What I want is not what you want. Only YOU can be the one to pursue authentic LIFE and LIVING.

Letters

2 days ago my mom sent me a review of Carol Lynn Pearson's book, "No More Goodbyes." It pointed out what the reviewer saw to be many inconsistencies, untruths, and misinformation. Since she read the entire book which was difficult for her (she found it to be very anti-mormon and "insidious"), she asked me to read this article though she thought it would be difficult for me. It was, but perhaps not in the way she assumed it would be.

After reading it, I felt very sad and demoralized. It was not because of what this lay reviewer had written, it was because my mom continues to pressure me after all the talks and letters we have shared. I feel like we have found a common ground and a mutual respect, and then out of nowhere she descends again to "help" me. I told her briefly how I felt and she asked in response to elaborate on my feeling demoralized and upset about her sending the review. This was my response:


" I almost don't want to tell you this, because I don't want you to feel bad or feel like you can't share things with me, but sometimes when you send me a letter about this issue, or for instance today when you sent me the review of this book, I just start to feel so hopeless, and I feel again like I wish I were dead. I don't entertain thoughts of actually killing myself, but I instantly start thinking-- maybe I should just start praying for death so I don't have to live in this life anymore which is clearly causing so much stress for my parents. Maybe I'm just not strong enough yet to face your disapproval of my life. I think I just value your feelings about me a lot (you are my mom!), so feeling like you just don't like what I'm doing and you don't seem to understand why I'm choosing to follow a more peaceful path for myself just makes me feel very demoralized and hopeless. I guess I just had this fantasy that if I came to peace with myself that you and dad would see that peace within me and say-- wow he is clearly more at peace in his life.. and that is what really matters. But your criteria is different-- it doesn't seem to matter at all that I prayed for death while I was in full fellowship-- while being worthy to enter into the literal presence of the Lord, in my quiet moments I hoped to die and felt disconnected from my own life on a deep level. It just wasn't my life and I don't know what else to say. I feel so much more engaged in my life now. I am where I feel at peace and happy and whole. Maybe you want me to stay in the church and continue to accept a broken reality for the rest of my life. But I don't want my whole life to be spent fighting that fight. I would rather fight other fights in my life-- fights that I connect with. The fight of being a celibate gay mormon, or the fight of being a gay mormon married to a beautiful woman are just not the things I want to fight for. I can select the battles I choose to fight in my life, but I can't really choose which battles I feel compelled and passionate to fight. I feel like I am just saying too much, but I also don't feel like I'm even scraping the surface.

I just want to have faith that I can help you understand me, if that is your wish.

When I start to think about death, I remember that everything in life is an invitation. When I begin to feel that invitation to die, I remember that I have made a commitment to myself to live out my life in full. Though we have been dealing with this for 10+ years already, I feel a lot of what I am feeling is very new. I know that the firmness of my current position must be difficult for you after the hundreds and hundreds of hours that you have spent counseling and praying on my behalf. I truly am sorry to disappoint you and make you feel uneasy about me. But Mom believe me when I say that I really do feel that I searched every corner of my own universe to try to find a way to make the Church work for me. I teetered back and forth and bounced back from the brink of apostacy to give it "just one more go" probably about 5 times. I really did everything I could for the first 30 years of my life to be a mormon. I don't regret those efforts. But I just couldn't make it work. I tried harder than many of the people I know.. I used my mind body and heart to try to find a way to be happy and fulfilled in the church. But it just did not happen. That seed just did not grow and blossom and flourish within me. I'm sorry about this, mostly for you who I feel has given so much to me, and also is so committed to the gospel. I know that the gospel is your life, so it must feel like a slap in the face for me to say that it is not my whole life.

I just really hope that you can love me with all your heart. I would like us to be close throughout our lives. I want you to know I honestly do respect you, even though I don't currently share 100% of your beliefs. I thank you for shaping me into a person who cares about others, and who has a soft and compassionate heart. Does any of this make any sense at all?"

Her response to this letter essentially that she didn't believe that I was happy as I am presenting myself. She reminded me of all the difficult times I had had in my year and a half relationship, and how I mentioned to her on occasion that I felt trapped in that relationship and again sometimes wished to die. (this wishing to die is a habit that I truly hope to bury). She then asked me if I wanted her perceptions of my life as it is now, and her view of my current choices. This was my response:

"I would love to discuss my life with you at some point, but with all due respect I don't feel right about having your feedback at this time. The truth of the matter is this, we all see what we want to see in life. My relationship with C presented me a new set of personal challenges that I never could have imagined. Perhaps I resorted back to some of my old hopeless and wishing for death feelings during moments of our relationship. But things are very different for me inside my body. They are safer and better, though still not perfect. But I know everyone that lives on earth whether they have the gospel or not is here to grow and face challenges. I feel like I have accomplished so much and become such a strong and wise person but somehow its of little value to you. (at least in compared to what you seem to want me to be) I know you love me and that you mean well, but I think you need to learn to celebrate who I am now. There is a lot of good about me and that is what I'd like you to focus on for now-- at least in front of me. Self improvement in this life never ends, and I depend on the observations of others to help me, but I think I am going to turn this role over to Don, Craig, Constantine and a few others. I think you want to see me as unhappy so you can validate your idea that I need to be in the church to be happy. Maybe that's you but its not me mom.

I want to trust you.. but I get nervous inside when I see an email from you in my inbox. That seems silly because 99% of your emails are just a quick question or a hello and family info that I love to hear. But that 1% when I feel that my hard earned values and the happy authentic full life I am trying to create (not perfectly sometimes) is under siege, I just have to take cover from you. I don't want that kind of relationship with you! I don't want to worry what is coming next from you. I want to hear from you often and just know that you are going to love me for exactly what I am. Im almost 31 mom. This is my life right now. I want your love, your friendship and as much support for me as you can muster. I need you to appreciate all that I am and not focus on what I have not yet accomplished. I know this question of religion is everything to you, so this will be a challenge. But I really have faith that you can do this. We have so few real allies in this life. I need you to be an ally-- a protector. I need it today. I hope you can understand what I am asking and why.

In conclusion I just want to reiterate-- I love you. I trust that you love me. I want our relationship to be one of unconditional love. I need you to celebrate what I am. I need you to learn to be happy for me. I need you to ask yourself.. what does Clark want. What are Clark's hopes and fears.. how can I be an ally to Clark on his journey. This is how I want to be treated by you. Will you do it?"

Going Deeper with My Newly Empowered Mother

All my life my mother has been exemplar. She has always been and continues to be a living example of Christ-like attributes and Relief Society praiseworthy charity. I have always found her to be a very inspiring figure in the garden of my life. When I came out to my parents during the summer of 1995, my mother, though confused and visibly shaken, quickly became one of my greatest allies in my battle with homosexuality. She seemed to accept my situation as very real, and never treated me in a way that made me feel like a lesser member of our family because of my issues.

As the years passed, years on my mission, years in college, and now years since college, she has always remained open and accepting... sort of. There was always a lingering pressure present in our relationship. There was a pressure to stay close to the church at all costs. As long as I did that; as long as I was the kind of gay mormon that she would be if she were a gay mormon, I would know without a doubt that she stood beside me through thick and thin.

My mom always felt very strongly that I would be released from the trial of homosexuality. Every time she mentioned this idea, I would respond with something like, mom-- what about all the other men who struggle with this? They are not being released from this, why would you think that I will be? She would always say, I don't know why I feel this way, and I don't know about all the other men who struggle with this, I just feel very clearly that you will suffer for a season with this, and then be released and allowed to move on with your life. I never really felt this way about homosexuality. Even when I felt the worst about myself as a person for being gay, I never thought it was something that the Lord would take away. Maybe I never really believed that the Lord "made" me this way. I don't know now what I thought all the time-- to be honest I don't know what I think NOW all the time, so its hazy looking back. (Isn't it always?)

To be completely fair and impartial (and I'm trying as hard as I can believe it or not), there were times when I felt like the Lord would indeed remove this "curse" of homosexuality from me. But it never really came about. Or maybe the Lord was prepared to remove the "curse" of homosexuality in a different way than I could have envisioned from where I stood in that moment. But that's actually another story.

So back to my mom. In the fall of 2006, I booked a job near our home, and it was a great opportunity for me to work and live at home for about 6 weeks. At the time, I was nearing the 1 year mark in my relationship with my boyfriend, who is also an actor. Any time either of us is away with a show, we always make a point to visit at least once every 3-4 weeks, and of course see the show that the other is in. This was a production of West Side Story, and since I would be doing it for 6 weeks, of course we would have a visit sometime while I was home. I went to my mom very openly and said-- how do you feel about my boyfriend coming to stay here for 2 nights while I am home? I promised her that we would not engage in any sexual activity in her home, and suggested that this might be a great way to include my boyfriend more into our family, since that is something I OF COURSE want. My brothers have brought girlfriends to family functions for years, even non-member ones, and all have been accepted and even embraced by my family and most of all by my mother. She said she would talk to my dad about this, and that maybe we should all sit down and discuss it so as to have a meeting of minds. After this conversation, it became clear to me that it made my mom really uncomfortable to even consider this, and out of respect for her and her home, I just decided to drop it and I got a hotel room for my boyfriend and I so we could fornicate in peace.

Now there is one more thing you should know about my mom and me. All through my life I have carefully observed the way my mom treated herself and others. My mom always put others before herself-- in a way that is both unselfish and sometimes pathological. I think sometimes my mom sacrificed her own well being in order to please others. As a result, I had a mom who gave a lot to others, but I also had a mother who had a lot of sadness and grief and fear just below the surface-- deep enough to hide from some, but not nearly deep enough to hide from a child who was watching and trying to emulate her every thought and action. My mom was the kind of person that would do something wrong for herself if it was something another person wanted. Of course this had limits-- big ones. My mom would never jeopardize anyone's safety and would never ever give in to anything that wasn't righteous. So she would allow herself to be walked on as long as it wasn't breaking any shadow of a commandment. If the women in the relief society hadn't finished something and they called my mom to bail them out, she would do it even if she was in labor and had 4 nagging children on her coattails. She would run herself ragged a lot of the time in order to "do her duty." As I got older, as I became less codependent through therapy and information (many helpful books), I would pass them along to my mother and encourage her to become a more empowered and a more happy individual. I would explain that her vitality is often diminished by her treatment of herself, and that in order to be of true service, one must have a full cup-- one must be on higher ground in order to assist others in an authentic symbiotic way. Otherwise someone may be feeding on another's generosity and/or weakness.

Cut to 1 week ago just before I left after a lovely holiday with my family, wherein we welcomed our first niece/granddaughter into our family. The day before leaving town, my mom took me to lunch and a movie. We love seeing movies together and we had a really great time together, as we always do. On the drive home I just frankly said "Mom, how are things going to work with me and the family. Someday I am hopefully going to have a husband and children, but before that happens I am definitely going to have boyfriends that I want to include in our wonderful family." I explained to her that my brothers were able to bring girlfriends to family functions and holidays, and that I wanted the same treatment as my brothers-- I did not want to face discrimination in my own family if possible. I told her that I thought it would be a double standard to allow them to invite someone but not me. (and just FYI my oldest brother had a girlfriend of 4 years and he is not active in the church, so my parents were aware that he was not upholding the law of chastity and they still embraced his girlfriend as one of their own.) I then asked my mom if I was being too confrontational. She said not at all, that she was happy that I was bringing it up. Then she said-- Clark, for years you have encouraged me to do what is right for me, even if it denies someone else what they want. When you wanted to invite your boyfriend home a year ago, I agonized over it. I really wanted to find a way to accept him into my home, but I could not find a way to feel good about it. After I tried and tried, but could not come to terms, I considered just telling you to invite him against my own feelings. Then I realized that this is MY HOME. I have worked for years to build this home, and I refuse to feel uncomfortable in my own home. I'm not sure I will always feel this way. But right now I just don't want it. Maybe in a year I will change my mind. Don't hesitate to ask me again-- maybe I will be able to work out in my mind and heart a way to accept this-- but for now, the answer is no.

This was the most blunt I think my mom has ever been with me about the intersection of our lives. On one hand I was so disappointed to think that I would not be able to be part of our family the way I want to. But any feelings of disappointment I had were overshadowed by feelings of happiness for my mom and the direction her journey has taken. I am so happy to see a person now who is taking her own feelings into consideration and not just doing what others want.. even if I am the one who loses something I want.. I still embrace this change whole-heartedly. The other residual effect which has been slowly coming over me is a feeling of freedom and independence that up to now had eluded me. The last thing my mom said to me during our conversation was this: You are doing what you feel is best for you in your life-- I am going to do what I feel is best for me in mine. At first glance this seems like something which could create distance between us. Maybe it will. But maybe it will be a real starting point for our family to become something even greater than it is today.

The responses

Honestly I am surprised at how many people have contacted me as a result of my youtube offering. Suddenly people are pouring out their stories and their experiences to me like I have known them for years. It has been a truly humbling experience to hear what so many young men have been through on their journey as gay children of our Heavenly Father. Several people have also taken the time to write and share their disapproval of my testimonial. I have had a few people tell me that I am using voice for evil and not for good-- and I even had a comment recently tell me that I should make a nude video. Maybe I will-- maybe not.

Every time I get a response, I feel quite affected by it. When people write to thank me, I feel sincerely humbled and grateful that what I have to say struck a chord with someone else. When someone writes to tell me that I am doing harm, I feel genuinely hurt and sometimes a little confused. I am not impenetrable by any means, and I think I make my humanity glaringly obvious. Though it is hard to have others vehemently oppose my hard earned self awareness, I think its a really important part of sharing. Just because I have come to what I feel is a beautiful sense of peace and self-acceptance, that doesn't mean that others will feel that my peace is their peace. As zealous as I am about gay men and women having a full and happy life with a same-sex partner if they choose to, there are others who are perhaps more zealous about my reality being a false one (and this isn't my nose it's a false one!! anyone know that quote??).

The good thing about my current stance is this: For myself, I left no leaf unturned on the path that I have traveled. While I was in the church, I truly gave it my all to try to find a way to make myself feel whole and complete within that paradigm. Of course those that disapprove of my current position will always be able to say, "you didn't try hard enough Clark." Be that as it may, I know I did try hard enough. That is why, though it isn't easy to face the words of people who don't like what I've chosen to do, nevertheless I feel fully equipped to do so. As I simmer and stew on the words of others, both the words of support and the words of disapproval, I always come back to my center in a short time. I realize that I know what I know, and I can't deny what I know.



Overall its been enriching and quickening having openly expressed myself. I hope that anyone who can benefit from this blog and others like it will be guided to find it. I truly hope that people who are slowly accepting the invitation to die will reconsider and instead accept the invitation that is likewise extended: the invitation to fully live.

The Entire Video Blog

I have just decided to post this in its entirety. I know its a lot (60 minutes) but its in 10 minute chunks. If you are interested, dive in. It might be fun for you. Or not. :)

My video blog

Some of you may have seen my video blog that I have been posting on youtube for the past month or so. This is the final installment!

No to Soul Chemo

Do you know what happens when a person gets cancer? In some cases of early detection, the malignant tumor may be removed before it has spread. If the tumor was indeed isolated and discreet, this may be the end of that person's battle with cancer. Sometimes there are clusters of tumors, all malignant, but perhaps localized, and thus again there is a possibility of removing them and keeping the cancer from spreading throughout the body. Sometimes cancer seems to be gone, but then another tumor appears, and again we remove it and hope for the best. But then, there are cases where the cancer has spread into the lymph nodes, and then eventually the whole body is filled with cancer. In most cases certain genes have mutated and instead of creating healthy whole cells, they code for production of cancerous cells. After cancer has spread throughout the body, there is not much that doctors can do. They often give the person afflicted with cancer a certain amount of time to live.

One way of fighting cancer at this advanced stage is chemotherapy. "Chemo" is basically injection of dangerous chemicals that primarily attack rapidly dividing cells. Oncogenes (mutated genes that cause cancer) code for such cells, and thus chemo chemicals attacks them. However, the genes that code for hair growth and intestinal lining are similar. In other words, chemo takes certain systems in your body to within an inch of death with the hope that in killing almost everything, you kill a lot of the cancerous cells. Of course it stands to reason that you will also kill healthy cells in the process. Your hair will fall out and your stomach and intestinal lining will be obliterated. Some individuals even have a port (shunt) put into their bodies: basically an opening where the chemo can be dumped in directly, often in agressive doses. In the film "Wit" Emma Thompson's character is undergoing intense chemotherapy and radiation and therefore she has literally no immune system. She is placed in complete isolation, almost even from her doctors. This is to protect her from simple opportunistic colds or flus, which in her weakened state would kill her. At one point she muses, "I'm not isolated because I have cancer. I'm isolated because I am being treated for cancer." People who are being treated for cancer in this way often seem to be on the brink of death. Well, thats the point. We are almost killing them hoping to get rid of the bad stuff inside. At the same time we hope enough of the good can survive.

If you have ever watched period films, you might have seen doctors treating patients in a similar way when they fall victim to some serious malady. A medical practice called bloodletting existed from antiquity all the way into the late 19th century. The idea was the same: bringing the person even closer to death in hopes that enough of the bad blood would come out to allow the infirm person to recover. Again, good blood was also seeping mercilessly out, but again thats collateral damage.

Many men and women today react to their homosexuality in a similar way to someone being diagnosed with cancer. We have been told directly and indirectly that homosexuality is akin to murder in its seriousness, and that it is a spiritual killer. The church needs to watch out for feminists, intellectuals and homosexuals. Homosexuality is an aberration, a veritable spiritual cancer. In fact when repressed, I see homosexuality as often having a cancerous effect. The more you try to ignore it, the more powerful it becomes. Ignoring cancer will get you killed. Ignoring your homosexuality can make you feel so out of touch with yourself that you no longer feel like a person at all. That's why we are all here now blogging. Even those that are married and fully devoted to the church are making a point of reaching out to this online blogger community so that they can have some contact. We have to admit it. We are gay. Or if you prefer to follow the ambiguous and reductionist vernacular of many anti-gay groups, we have SSA. Gay would mean that we can't do anything about it. And that's wrong. We can change, right?

The big lie that I want to decry is this: homosexuality is a spiritual cancer. That is a lie. I'll tell you what is cancerous-- being treated for homosexuality. Like Emma Thompson in Wit.. we are not isolated and confused because we are attracted to people of the same gender. We are isolated and confused because we are trying to not be attracted to people of the same gender. Cancer will eventually kill your body. Homosexuality will not kill your spirit. If allowed to flourish, cancer will put you in a coffin. If allowed to flourish, homosexuality continues to be exactly what it always was: the emotional and physical desire to couple with a person of your same gender. Nothing less, nothing more.

I have spent 30 years believing that "giving in to my homosexuality" would lead to my spiritual death. I believed that if I did not take an active effort in trying to control the spread of my homosexuality to all areas of my life, that it would literally kill my spirit. As I got closer and closer to the edge, as I became that frog cooking ever so slowly in warming water, as I gradually became "past feeling", as I (insert your favorite fear tactic here), I became terrified of what I would lose when I did fall over the cliff and become that boiled frog and become that past feeling ex-nephite who was now a son of perdition.

Reader, I want to share something with you. I fell. I boiled. I changed. I can't believe what I found. My spirit is alive and thriving. I am whole. I am grateful. I am humble before God. I'm spiritually quickened. I'm connected to the Savior! What I was so afraid of losing was my connection to the Savior. I'm shocked. I thought I would have to choose one or the other. Gay or Mormon. That is true in a way. I guess I really can't be fully Mormon anymore. I'm not allowed to be with a man in any way (even in a legal and lawful union) and still be temple worthy. But what I realize now is that my connection to mormonism was mostly a need to feel connected to the Savior. And I feel Him in my heart in this very moment. I finally decided that I am not going to be a celibate gay mormon. I'm going to be me. I'm not even sure what that is yet, but I know what it's not. I will not be marginalized. I will not be celibate. I will be respected. I will be heard. I will be loved.

All sexuality is a gift. Homosexuality is beautiful. I hope that each of us will look inside and see beauty, not cancer. I pray that none of us will bring ourselves to the brink of death or beyond in the hope of killing his/her homosexuality. We are so beautiful. When will we learn to stop destroying ourselves? I hope that day is today. Today is our day of life.

FROM THE PULPIT

FICTIONAL SCENARIO #2: An average white man stands up and slowly edges out of his pew during fast and testimony meeting. He smiles as he passes the rows on the way up to the pulpit. He clears his throat, looks out at a young woman in the audience, smiles and then begins to speak. "Good morning brothers and sisters. I've come before you today to share something really important to me. About 8 months ago I left the church. I moved out of my apartment and started living with my girlfriend. I just came here today to tell you how happy I am! Alma tells us that wickedness never was happiness. I guess if that is true than living with my girlfriend is not wicked. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

QUELL THE WHITE NOISE AND LISTEN AT LAST

I found myself completely awestruck by what I was hearing. My best friend from college was saying words that I had so longed to hear for nearly a decade: you have the most amazing nail beds.. JUST KIDDING. He called me yesterday just to share some of the things that were going on in his mind. He said something like: for the first time in my life I find myself not worrying about the future. In some ways I have this feeling that my life is over.

Take that at face value and it might be a little bit confusing. He is saying he is not worrying about the future-- most of us would agree that is GREAT, but then he feels his life is over-- thats NOT GREAT. Or wait a moment.. is it?

My friend is someone who can do everything. He is handsome and winsome and takes everything he attempts to do by storm. In college everyone was a victim of his talent and brilliance. Let's call him Dr. Doolittle. Not because he talks to the animals mind you, although he probably could if he tried. A month after joining the vocal performance major, the faculty would call him into an office to say things like: you know we have about 150 full time students in this program. Of those 150 students, we think about 3-5 have a chance to actually make it in the opera world. We want you to know that you are one of those 3-5 students. You have just joined the major, but we feel so strongly about your potential. My friend would walk away feeling satisfied and happy that he received such validation from these renowned professors, but he also started to feel nervous. Do I really want to be an opera singer? Now that they love me so much what are they going to expect of me??

Inevitably my friend would spend the rest of the semester showing up late for rehearsals and classes, perhaps arrive a little unprepared with his german aria, and in whatever other way he could, he would try to dissapate the pressure by disappointing the faculty as much as he could. He did all of this largely subconsciously. When they stopped caring about his progress, he would change majors. Take the above scenario, and transfer it to the new major he chooses: Graphic design. There is a new star in the program people would soon say, but just as suddenly that star would begin to fade, or at least move out of view. Then English, then Russian, then Classics.. and on and on it went.

I would stay up late talking about the future with my friend, as college students are known to do. Over the years I probably had over 20 conversations with him about his career, and what he wanted out of life. I began to see his talent as a handicap in some ways. If this guy could only do one thing well he wouldn't be able to bounce about so. He would have to focus because there would be no choice. (OMG Satan's Plan?!?) My other friends and I would often discuss him and say things like-- this is a bigger issue than just career. This guy does not know how to be happy! Every time things start to go well for him, he sabotages the chance to be happy for some reason unknown to even himself.

My recent ex was very similar in many ways. The minute we resolved one problem that seemed like the ultimate crisis, another equal or greater crisis would arise in its place. After about a year of living in total crisis mode, I started to check out of the relationship. I started to feel like my boyfriend was creating problems because he didn't know how to feel like a whole person without a struggle. There was always so much white noise going on in his life. Sounds created only to create noise-- with no message: only a wall of sound. I would often talk to him about this hypothesis and he usually fervently disagreed with my diagnosis and for pity's sake would I stop psychoanalyzing him. Sometimes I stopped.

Imagine the reaction of all of our friends when Dr. Doolittle came forward with his newest career du jour: medicine. After already finishing nearly 3 majors at BYU, having a degree in Russian, and being accepted to NYU in the Russian Literature Masters program, he would go back to undergrad for 2 years to do the medical prerequisites. He would then most likely have to wait another year and apply for schools. Everyone said-- oh here he goes again. Another career-- more white noise to drown out the voices. Something inside me said that this was different. This is actually what he had always wanted to do but was too scared to try. Something from within him was trying to quell the white noise.

My friend is now in his third year of medical school. He is doing a pediatrics rotation currently. He did his 2 years of prereqs, took the MCAT, got an amazing score, waited a year to apply and was accepted to an amazing school: all to the chagrin of the white noise. What would happen to his life without the constant stress of a new career and an unsettled spirit?

When the white noise stops, what DO we hear instead? What is it that we have been drowning out? My friend told me yesterday that he had been thinking a lot about his Jr. High and High School years. He said that he was thinking back to those times when he had no self esteem whatsoever, and he found himself reliving small seemingly insignificant disappointments from his past. Little things like a passing comment to a teacher that had been taken in the wrong way which caused him a lot of shame during his whole senior year. Or like answering a certain question wrong on a test and getting a lower letter grade that semester. What do these vague memories from the past hold within their sordid narrations? What started the white noise? And why is it suddenly gone?

Is his life over because the white noise has become obsolete for him? In a way yes. His life of finding meaning only through unhappy struggle and confusion seems to be over indeed. But maybe you, gentle reader, will not see this as a positive occurance. Maybe he won't be so driven to spend what little free time he has volunteering. Or maybe he won't learn a new language this year. Maybe he won't call his mother as much as she would like him to. Maybe suddenly having more self esteem makes him a less productive individual. One thing is for sure though: a new person seems to be emerging. It looks like a happier person. It looks like a more peaceful person. It looks like our Doctor is more capable of loving.


Regardless of what it is we don't want to hear, the white noise is not the enemy. I think it protects us from things we are not ready to face, and that is why it exists. It is my conviction that one day we will all be perfected. Slowly the universe, GOD, or the collective consciousness all draw us toward perfection. Even our defense mechanisms are our temporary friends. But as with Dr. Doolittle, there comes a day when they are no longer needed, and like scales from our eyes they shall fall away. We are already reborn.

THAT MAN IS ME

FICTIONAL SCENARIO:
A man stands up in front of a room full of his peers, one onlooker coughs, then another. A 9 month old toddler crawls away from her father who is holding a blow up book with pictures of Jesus inside-- the father bends over at the waist to avoid making a stir and goes after the crawling child. A woman with white hair clears her throat and swallows loudly. The man standing before them speaks.
"Good morning brothers and sisters. I stand before you today, humbled to be in your presence. I feel so unworthy to stand before you today. I just love and admire you all so much even though I don't really know many of you yet. Thank you so much for being so welcoming to my family and me in the short time since we moved here. When the bishop called me, I knew it was to give a talk, so I screened that call.. (nervous chuckle from the audience). But of course I decided to call him back, and that's why I stand before you today. I spent all week working late, so I didn't really have a chance to prepare this talk, so BEAR WITH ME."

BEAR WITH YOU???? Are you for real? You mean that I have to sit here and give you my undivided attention with an opener like that? Gag me with a spoon. How am I supposed to engage in what you are telling me when you have clearly told me that you are not only unprepared for this oration, but beyond that you are unworthy to stand before me. What? You are not!

It reminds me of Pride and Prejudice when Darcy proposes to Elizabeth Bennet the first time. He tells her basically that he has struggled in vain but it is no good, his feelings will not be repressed. He asks her to marry him telling her that while he does this he also realizes that proposing to her is most decidedly against the wishes of his family, friends and last but not least against his own better judgement. In her reprimand she asks him how this proposal could ever induce her to marry him. How could you possibly expect me to accept you when you told me that you were asking me against your own better judgement?? How can I care to listen to anyone who says BEAR WITH ME?

Peoples of the blogger community, I'm just going to come right out and say it-- I can tarry no longer: BEAR WITH ME: I am a really bad blogger.

WOW! I can't belive how relieved I feel. Having that out in the open is just an amazing feeling. I could have waited until national coming out day.. which is coming up all you closets out there.. but I think now is the time to get this all out in the open.

Elbow is a close friend and cohort of mine, and he encouraged me to write a blog. I love elbow with every fiber of my being, so I of course agreed. He told me that he thinks I have a lot to say that would be interesting to people. But here I am, a bad blogger with a head full of ideas. So starting from right now I am setting a completely different intention for myself, as Clark the blogger. I'm going to give myself full permission to be a stream of consciousness blogger. Where are all my stream of consciousness bloggers-- where are the ward members who give stream of consciousness talks-- lemme hear you say HEY (HEY echo). BORING TALKS IN THE MOTHER FRIKKIN HOUSE!!! I feel like if I don't have the pressure of being totally focused every time I write, then the chance of me being a good blogger, or at least a prolific one, will be much greater. Yeah, so basically I am giving the world full permission to completely ignore my blog because I have started it with the universal turn off: BEAR WITH ME. I am unworthy to write this blog. Who says these kind of things? I do apparently. THAT MAN.. IS ME.

That little stream of consciousness inside me breaks forth into a joyous refrain: I'm small I know but wherever I go the grass grows greener still. Singing singing all the day, give away oh give away. Singing, singing...