Monday, April 28, 2008

I'll cross the stream, I have a dream

I recently started a new job. I just joined a national tour production, and will be working out on the road for the whole summer. In spite of the fact that I have to be away from my man, I actually enjoy touring. I love being in a new city and getting a chance to explore my external and internal worlds anew. The other thing I LOVE about traveling for work is that it affords me the opportunity to run into people I have not seen in many years. The show has been in San Francisco for the last 2 weeks, which is where my boyfriend's family lives. So not only have I spent the last 2 weeks living in his family's house, I have done so with his wonderful little brother, who has been such a joy to get to know! In addition, I have met aunts, cousins, family friends and many others connected to him and his family. It's been AMAZING. Beyond that, I saw a friend from BYU who is also a gay mormon, but who transitioned out of the church pretty much at the same time that he came out. It was wonderful to catch up with him! Over the next few months I will be seeing a lot of family and friends-- I'm even spending 2 weeks in Salt Lake City which is one of my favorite places. But I am getting away from my main reason for writing this post.

One of the biggest surprises of this trip to San Francisco was that it happened to coincide with a trip that my mother and my beloved aunt were also taking to San Francisco. One of my cousins is moving from the area, so "the moms" are coming to help her, and they have been here all weekend. Now I am never one to ask or even tacitly expect people to see the shows I am in. I figure if people are interested they will come. I never feel offended if people aren't into it, because lets face it not everyone likes musicals! But my family has seen almost all of my shows, and they have often traveled specifically to do so. Well, because my show is going to salt lake near my aunt's house, and then dallas which is pretty close to where my mom lives, they were not planning to see the show this weekend. But they surprised me and decided to come last night-- very spontaneously. After the show, my mom was SO ENTHUSIASTIC! She always likes the shows I do, but this one she LOVED. She is never one to be overly "proud" of me because all pride is bad according to that ezra taft benson talk, so its almost like she can't really be that mom who is proud that her son is doing something that a lot of people would find interesting and impressive. But last night she seemed so thrilled and dare I say it.. proud! It felt really awesome.

This morning I woke up and realized that I had had a dream about my mom. In the dream we were on a beach and we were just together communicating about all that has passed between us (I'm sure anyone who has read this has read her letter to me that was written in January). In the dream, she just said-- we are going to put all this behind us now and just LOVE. I woke up feeling so healed from any enmity that has developed between us. I felt so full of happiness.

Tonight I had dinner with my mom, my aunt, my cousin, and my boyfriend's brother. It was so great. Everyone embraced the new brother and truly welcomed him. At one point I had a few moments alone with my mom and I told her about my dream. She said that maybe it was how proud and happy she had been about my show-- that maybe that had been cathartic for me on some level. We weren't able to go any further than that. I don't really have any huge realization or thesis to share. I just thought it was a meaningful day-- a meaningful step in our journey of love. Feeling that close to her again, even in the dream made me understand that I can still set intentions for my relationship with her that are that specific and that wonderful. I don't have to hold back. I can always go to that place in my mind and feel her love and acceptance, even if she is not 100% ready now to give it. Maybe she never will! That is the beauty of agency though. God doesn't take away her agency, but He also doesn't deprive me of the healing that I have sought. I'm so grateful that I was able to have that healing experience because it has empowered me to show more love to my mom, which I think is what God would have me do.

3 comments:

Silus Grok said...

What an amazing gift!

J G-W said...

Cool dream!

I had one very similar, years ago when I was getting ready to come out to my mom. In the dream, we were sitting in the living room. I told her I was gay, and she very calmly told me that she knew that already. When I asked why she had never said anything to me, she said she didn't know how to bring it up without embarrassing me. It was a very loving, beautiful, calm feeling, in which I felt totally accepted and loved...

Dave said...

So I just saw Mamma Mia in Las Vegas last month and the title of your post reminded me of something so I looked it up and the title is a line from an Abba song! Were you in Mamma Mia when you were in Vegas?