Lately I have been really living my life. I mean full out. I think because I have a VERY dear friend who is in my same company I just have someone there at all times who I can play with and joke with and laugh with at any given moment. So I've been at my most unleashed lately. I just kind of say what I am thinking and usually a lot of people think its pretty funny. But yesterday I had a moment where it didn't pay off. I was talking with the hair supervisor about getting a haircut, and he told me that he would have loved to help me then, but he had to do an annoying double color treatment on one of the other chorus boys in the cast. This particular boy has fully bleached out platinum Brigitte Nielson hair. I mean just Abba Gold hair. It actually looked cute on him, because he has the personality to match it.. larger than life. So, pretty soon the hair guy starts talking a little trash about this guy's look, "'I mean that hair! Thats one of those moments where you're like, HONEY where was your momma to tell you NOT to do that!" I just chucked and said, "right?" on my way out the door and lo and behold that platinum hair was just staring me in the face. I froze and said to myself, OH NO. I can't believe I participated in that conversation. True, I didn't say the mean thing, but I didn't disagree with the mean thing. He was on his phone, so I wasn't positive that he had heard it. But I literally spent the entire evening feeling bad, and thinking about this poster:
Its a solemn reminder to all of us. Watch out for people passing tar your way. It could be hot, and before you know it you could have dirty fingernails. If you see some hands right next to your hands with tar in them, don't keep your hands there! Oh yeah, and there could also be feathers, which would be REALLY bad. But seriously though, knowing that what I said or didn't say really hurt someone's feelings made me so sad and so ashamed of myself. I spent the entire evening unable to shake the feeling that I had willingly hurt another person. That is SO against what I want to be that it just made me feel terrible.
The next day I walked into work wholly prepared to apologize profusely for being a part of that conversation. I was determined to make things right and take responsibility for my behavior. But he walked right up to me and started chatting with me, which told me that he had NOT heard the comment at all. I decided it would be worse at that point to apologize then to just let it go and allow it to be a lesson to me only. I guess I needed to remember that even if I'm living my life without filtering what I say, I need to remember not to participate in anything that could be hurtful to anyone if overheard. Easy? NO. Important? Vital.
"I want to be kind to everyone, for that is right, you see. So I say to myself remember this: kindness begins with me."