Honestly I am surprised at how many people have contacted me as a result of my youtube offering. Suddenly people are pouring out their stories and their experiences to me like I have known them for years. It has been a truly humbling experience to hear what so many young men have been through on their journey as gay children of our Heavenly Father. Several people have also taken the time to write and share their disapproval of my testimonial. I have had a few people tell me that I am using voice for evil and not for good-- and I even had a comment recently tell me that I should make a nude video. Maybe I will-- maybe not.
Every time I get a response, I feel quite affected by it. When people write to thank me, I feel sincerely humbled and grateful that what I have to say struck a chord with someone else. When someone writes to tell me that I am doing harm, I feel genuinely hurt and sometimes a little confused. I am not impenetrable by any means, and I think I make my humanity glaringly obvious. Though it is hard to have others vehemently oppose my hard earned self awareness, I think its a really important part of sharing. Just because I have come to what I feel is a beautiful sense of peace and self-acceptance, that doesn't mean that others will feel that my peace is their peace. As zealous as I am about gay men and women having a full and happy life with a same-sex partner if they choose to, there are others who are perhaps more zealous about my reality being a false one (and this isn't my nose it's a false one!! anyone know that quote??).
The good thing about my current stance is this: For myself, I left no leaf unturned on the path that I have traveled. While I was in the church, I truly gave it my all to try to find a way to make myself feel whole and complete within that paradigm. Of course those that disapprove of my current position will always be able to say, "you didn't try hard enough Clark." Be that as it may, I know I did try hard enough. That is why, though it isn't easy to face the words of people who don't like what I've chosen to do, nevertheless I feel fully equipped to do so. As I simmer and stew on the words of others, both the words of support and the words of disapproval, I always come back to my center in a short time. I realize that I know what I know, and I can't deny what I know.
Overall its been enriching and quickening having openly expressed myself. I hope that anyone who can benefit from this blog and others like it will be guided to find it. I truly hope that people who are slowly accepting the invitation to die will reconsider and instead accept the invitation that is likewise extended: the invitation to fully live.
9 comments:
Holy Grail! Holy Grail! Holy Grail!
GOOD JOB!!! I wasn't sure if anyone would.. but of course you didn't let me down. Well we did put on the nose.. and the hat, BUT SHE'S A WITCH!
Those who think one "didn't try hard enough" really piss me off for their ignorance.
I've certainly bloodied my knuckles and bruised my head on Christ's door. Now I may be pushing on that rock that's not supposed to be moved though the effort is supposed to strengthen me (I'm sure you've heard both of these analogies). I think I take too many breaks for that rock to really work (said in a bitterly ironic tone).
Keep enjoying your life but if you don't mind I'm going to stand about 30 feet over there...you seem to be a lightning rod of sorts and there's definitely a storm overhead. ;)
I love the Internet. It used to be you had to own television stations, communications satellites and publishing companies like the LDS Church does in order to have your message heard. Now you can just create a blog or upload to YouTube.
Clark, I admire the forthright way in which you contribute to the discussion. Whether you are "right" or not doesn't matter-- you simply describe from your perspective the world as you found it. Who can argue with that?
Clark, I do so like you. Though I would so rather see you as that bright, gangly and cute Spirit-filled Elder, thank you for steering those of us who are desparing away from suicide. I cannot discount the good you may do. If you won't be with us (in the Church, bearing the Priesthood, gay and in the way, married to a woman and a father) stay near at least. You are infectiously likeable and too sweet to bear losing.
I, for one, have really enjoyed watching your video blog and find so much in it that I relate to. I think each individual has to find their own peace, and whether others understand it or not is beside the point. I am glad you seem to have found yours.
You seem very intelligent and insightful, and while I haven't agreed 100% with everything you've said, I certainly have enjoyed hearing your point of view and definitely applaud your right to share it.
Thanks for sharing.
Clarkquin! I just love you so much..."I swear on my daughters life!" You are doing good. Your love and trust that is exhibited through your web interactions are a testimony that you are seeking truth as only you can. This is your path and all you can do is live and live in a way that brings you happiness and complete satisfaction.
I'm very proud of you and know that the Lord is pleased with your honesty, and with your desire for service. Thank you for being YOU!
Clark,
I just thought I'd tell you that, in the midst of working through, (suffering through) the consequences of having deceived someone into marriage with a gay man (because I wanted a daughter that bad, ultimately), I have experienced my moments of envy of you. At least you did not deceive anyone into a marriage arrangement, and you were honest with yourself very early on.
I fear the repercussions in my life, in my wife's life, and even in my baby's life as she adores her gay father, a fact which may lead her to marry someone just like me. All pains aside it is worth it for me to have her, but on one level I envy you not having done so. I wish I could have been more honest with myself and K from the start. Where were you when I was 19?
I guess what I'm saying is, I'm not that good, regardless of whatever appearance there may have been, and you're not that bad, regardless of whatever standards you've been judged by others (myself included).
Mind you, I love my wife and our daughter, but everything has its consequences, and my actions carry deep and heavy consequences, too.
I wish you happiness, and I hope others who are gay and in the way will do the same for you and others.
Man is it hard to sojourn where there is no trail blazed.
BUT there has been a trail blazed, parallel mormon, but nobody is listening . . . nobody in the church at least.
Those who choose to not marry I consider to be extremely UNSELFISH. My husband wanted children, too, and then he abandoned them when they were 10. I worked very hard to establish a relationship with them and him--and it has paid off. He NOW sees their value, but even he says to me, "I lost so much . . . I lost so much."
Those who choose to not marry a woman are the ones to be applauded.
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