Ok so I was walking home from work today and I decided to take a quick walk toward lake Michigan just to take in the brisk air coming in off of the water. As I was standing on the shore, I heard a rustling at my feet. I looked down and froze in my steps, because there was a rattlesnake right there. I was just starting to slowly move away, when the snake began to speak. "Can you help me" the snake pleaded. Its so cold here. I am old and dying, and all I want to do is have one more margarita in Boys Town." Completely put off by this troll snake I spat back, "First of all, QUEEN, you are way too old and scaly to hang out with me. I have the common sense to use moisturizer, and the common sense to not get stranded somewhere on the shore of one of the Great Lakes. Secondly, you are a snake! If I even pick you up I know you will bite me and kick my A to the curb at your first opportunity. So basically, NO. I won't help you. I suggest you find a leather bar somewhere closer and live out the rest of your days with your own kind." The snake slyly retorted, "No I swear I am not like that. I just tots need to get to boys town and I promise I will not bite you. Just take me Britney Spears 'Slave for you' style up past Lincoln Park and just drop me off at the corner. I'll manage from there." Well, I guess I was weak. I felt bad for the old betch. I guess I gave in to peer pressure. I picked that reptile up and started walking.
As we walked the snake was so chatty cathy! It was really annoying. He kept name dropping, "Oh I totally lived next door to Brangelina for 6 months before I came here. Oh me and the Olson twins tots designed this really fierce vintage crop top a while ago but we had a falling out.. over post-its LOLOLOL." Ug. So obnoxious. Matters got worse when he DEMANDED we stop at Starbucks so he could get a warm drink. He was SO rude to the barista demanding specifically a 7 pump non-fat chai latte extra hot. He made that poor girl make it 3 times and was finally satisfied when she burst into tears. I thought to myself this is IT I'm never picking up a gay snake AGAIN!
Finally, just as I was approaching the bar that Snakezoid wanted to go to, he coiled back and bit me right in the areola! It hurt so much that I just cried out in my falsetto, "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?! You swore you wouldn't bite me. You skanky skanky tramp!" The snake just slithered away, and after a moment turned back, flipped his weave over his shoulder and said, "You knew what I was when you picked me up." I screamed back, "Yeah I did you F'ing snake! Now wait up I'm going with you! I had no idea you were into biting or I would have invited myself sooner."
And with that, the snake and I rode off into the sunset together and got married in Connecticut.