Wednesday, February 4, 2009

A faith demoting story

Ok so I was walking home from work today and I decided to take a quick walk toward lake Michigan just to take in the brisk air coming in off of the water. As I was standing on the shore, I heard a rustling at my feet. I looked down and froze in my steps, because there was a rattlesnake right there. I was just starting to slowly move away, when the snake began to speak. "Can you help me" the snake pleaded. Its so cold here. I am old and dying, and all I want to do is have one more margarita in Boys Town." Completely put off by this troll snake I spat back, "First of all, QUEEN, you are way too old and scaly to hang out with me. I have the common sense to use moisturizer, and the common sense to not get stranded somewhere on the shore of one of the Great Lakes. Secondly, you are a snake! If I even pick you up I know you will bite me and kick my A to the curb at your first opportunity. So basically, NO. I won't help you. I suggest you find a leather bar somewhere closer and live out the rest of your days with your own kind." The snake slyly retorted, "No I swear I am not like that. I just tots need to get to boys town and I promise I will not bite you. Just take me Britney Spears 'Slave for you' style up past Lincoln Park and just drop me off at the corner. I'll manage from there." Well, I guess I was weak. I felt bad for the old betch. I guess I gave in to peer pressure. I picked that reptile up and started walking.

As we walked the snake was so chatty cathy! It was really annoying. He kept name dropping, "Oh I totally lived next door to Brangelina for 6 months before I came here. Oh me and the Olson twins tots designed this really fierce vintage crop top a while ago but we had a falling out.. over post-its LOLOLOL." Ug. So obnoxious. Matters got worse when he DEMANDED we stop at Starbucks so he could get a warm drink. He was SO rude to the barista demanding specifically a 7 pump non-fat chai latte extra hot. He made that poor girl make it 3 times and was finally satisfied when she burst into tears. I thought to myself this is IT I'm never picking up a gay snake AGAIN!

Finally, just as I was approaching the bar that Snakezoid wanted to go to, he coiled back and bit me right in the areola! It hurt so much that I just cried out in my falsetto, "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?! You swore you wouldn't bite me. You skanky skanky tramp!" The snake just slithered away, and after a moment turned back, flipped his weave over his shoulder and said, "You knew what I was when you picked me up." I screamed back, "Yeah I did you F'ing snake! Now wait up I'm going with you! I had no idea you were into biting or I would have invited myself sooner."

And with that, the snake and I rode off into the sunset together and got married in Connecticut.

The End.

2 comments:

Wyatt said...

How many times have we referenced the real story and oddly enough that phrase never gets old: 'you knew what I was when you picked me up.' LOL!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you wrote this!!!!!

I love you, tranny! Talking on the phone yesterday was some serious therapy for me. I thought about it later and even though most the time I wasn't even talking, it's just insane to think how different relationships fulfill different needs and yours is definitely a medicinal one in nature fore me.

Thank you!

PS I'm so happy for you and the snake, it seems like you're perfect for each other, and as long as he starts to moisturize I think you guys will be OK.

Besos.

Svenska & Sheaux said...

I agree, as long as you really feel happy... and moisturized.